Tag: life

ExMiMeme

Because the illustrious ExMi tagged me. And dudes, always do what she says. Always. Do not mess with this šŸ˜›
Openingā€¦

Do you get regular massages? No. sadly not. Although, I’m absolutely open to anyone offering me more time at the Spa. Feel free. Go ahead. Click that little “send that email” button. Yes, yes, go ahead. šŸ˜›
Do you have an answering machine? Voicemail. Reminds me. Need to change that boring ass message.
What cuss word do you use the most? Yeah. About that. Both of them get me a smacked hand. Hahaha.
Are you underweight or overweight? Currently over. I blame Cape Town and all it’s good food.
Can you see your veins? Yes. A few too many.
Favouriteā€¦
Soap? mmm. currently, it’s the ones Cam makes sculptures out of. For true. Her latest hobby and talent is soap sculptures. Too much fun!
Fruit? Am I allowed to say Avocado? Yes. Am. This fruit is codespeak and if you get the joke, you probably shouldn’t be reading this. Hah.
Candy bar? Peppermint Aero. All of it.
Have You Everā€¦
Eaten a whole bag of potato chips? Yes. Salt and Vinegar, thank you.
Eaten lobster? Not. That’s like ocean roaches, hey.
Climbed a mountain? Yes. I miss the mountains. And, that’s walking up them, hey. Rock-climbing is for Spiderman. I am, unfortunately, not Spiderman
Been skydiving? Not. As per ExMi, I cannot even contemplate a ladder.
Been water skiing? Not intentionally šŸ™‚
Do Youā€¦
Wish you could change something about your life? Right now? No. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Even though some aspects of it are currently grating my proverbial carrot.
Like your nose? Never, ever have. Probably never will.
Like salt and vinegar chips? Yes. See above.
Eat salsa? Yes, please. Just a bit.
Own a boat? No. There’s that whole “would I really want to, anyway?” question.
What Isā€¦
A small thing that people let slide but that actually has dire consequences? Either deal with a situation straight away or build a bridge. I hate denial. It’s a river in Egypt, not a life approach, people! I hate avoidance. It’s a sticky tongued grimace of getting through something, that you’ll never really get through.
Your most macho trait? I lift my own heavy stuff. But, I’m learning to let other people do it for me šŸ™‚
The longest relationship youā€™ve ever had? That’ll be Cam’s dad.
Your most embarrassing thoughts? Oh, tonnes. Tonnes. But I ain’t sharing them on the intertubes. Heh.
Your most shameful moment? Have you met me?
This/Thatā€¦

Bath/Shower? Bath
Markers/Crayons? Markers.
Pens/Pencils? Pencils
Jelly/Cream Cheese? cream cheese
Bagel/Toast? bagel
Finishā€¦
My greatest weakness isā€¦always doing my best to believe in the best of people before believing the worst. Sometimes, that’s a flaw.
I wish I wasā€¦lying in the sunshine with Cam right now.
Three things I wouldnā€™t do for a million dollars areā€¦give up any part of my life right now (even the hard bits); bungee jump and eat anything that Fear Factor thinks is worthy for international broadcast purposes.
The oddest thing Iā€™ve ever put in my mouth isā€¦an inflated balloon. don’t ask. i get dared to do stuff.
Firstsā€¦
Credit card you had? No.
Loan you got was for? Student loan.
Paycheck was for how much? WAHAHHAHAHA. Ah, good times. Skint times, too.
Time you had stitches? I’ve only had stitches once. And I’m not talking about my bajingo on the intertubes either, thanks.
Time you went to the hospital for something? After being born (year 0 of Cath) and next it was to give birth (end of year 24 of Cath).
List everything you ate in the last 24 hours? Cheese sandwich, Mashed potato, a breakfast bar, broccoli, yoghurt and an apple.
Last thing you used a credit card for? Booking flights.
What was your job previous to the one you have now? Office psychotic. heh.
Last thing you celebrated? Shmooshy’s birthday.
Last time you were at a sports bar? Christmas Day Night. Fwah.
Quote for the week:

Cluckhoff: “You fit right in here”
Cath: “Dude, I’m so short I fit in anywhere!”

friday’s randoms

setting new precedents…

Some time this holiday i’m going to reflect on my resolution for 2009.

Remember it? It was “patience”.

and in 2009, i think i learnt how to be patient.

//that doesn’t stop me getting excitable, though. if there’s one thing we know about me, it’s that i get excitable. shurrup. you love me for it//

as for 2010, i’m not copping the usual “survive it” resolution.

i’ve got one better. it’s still forming, mind. have some patience, will you? šŸ˜›

anyway, today, I’m raising a toast to Angel and Glugster. The greatest love story. The love story that has had me crying, yelling and air-punching.

Happy Anniversary my darling friends. May every blessing meet your every sunrise.

And..in other news..

Last night, Gatesface and I caught up on the old dog ‘n bone. Sheena, I miss you fuckbitch. And i love how I still know your every ‘movement’ BWAHAHAH.

Cam is having her Christmas play today. So, I’ll be there.

Shortly after that, I’ll be seeing my boyfriend.

I just heard the collective swoon.

I liked that.

Do it again.

šŸ˜›

inexplicably linked but entirely untangled

and on a random note…I don’t often, in fact, ever, I think, talk about friends lost. tonight i am going to.

do you think that, sometimes, people are just inexplicably linked?

i have a friend. it’s a friend i lost.

the strangest part of losing each other’s friendship is that it was the right thing to happen, for both our lives.

but, last night, i heard this cover version of a song for the first time, and whilst the content of it is seriously romantic, the connotations we both hold for it don’t linger there at all. they linger on some good memories of me in my orange boots and us laughing at each other’s lives. of me moon-walking out of a club one night, after meeting each other again after many years. We’d known each other since very little and once, once this now-gone-friend had saved my little girl soul from crucifying embarassment. I’ll never forget that.

the end came down to…my friend willing my life to change, and me being unwilling to change it at that time. Me willing their life to change, and them being unwilling to change it at that time.

The madness was brought to light, and things changed. We lost each other’s friendship in a mish-mash of aeroplane trips, trans-atlantic instant messages that went wrong, 2am phonecalls we didn’t make anymore and not acting on some pretty strange signs we both saw.

When this song came on last night… I knew. I knew that the time had come to acknowledge the madness, acknowledge that it’s over, honour the time we had and keep moving on. That this friendship is indeed over, and that the fact that we don’t miss each other, says more about just how mad it all really was.

When this song came on, I knew something was up. Something had gone wrong in their lives. The Universe doesn’t send up a flare of this magnitude without good reason.

So, I stopped what I was doing this morning for a second, summoned up all my courage, and typed a short email to this now-gone-friend.

They responded. I had been right. At the exact time that I had heard this song, they, on the other end of the world, in their well-chosen and destined life, had been what we’d have called, mockingly to each other, “having a drama”.

I guess the Universe wanted me to check in. To get over my own self, and just check in.

So I did. And I’m glad I did. We don’t miss each other, we don’t feel any great desire to chat again. We don’t feel the need to continue beyond this email send/receive session. We are okay with the past and that it should stay there. We stunted each other, and have grown beyond our greatest trees of dreams since letting go.

Tonight, though, I am thankful for the time we did have together, for the friendship we did have, and I am thankful that we let it go. Moreover, I am thankful that we were able to check in on each other, without agenda, and without hope of going beyond this little exchange.

So, here’s that song.

Tonight I dedicate to my now-gone-friend. To a dusty, hot freeway and driving so very far for no reason. To a bird that poohed on my head. To coming home from work today to find an anonymous package on my doorstep and knowing that it was going to be okay. To a good little pig in a box that once arrived in my life. A present for Cam, she rode that little pig bike thingum for ages. Now she has grown much too tall for it. I look at that pig and I think, whilst the pig may be of little use now, it’s still a good pig. Heh. I don’t even know if you’re reading this my now-gone-friend. You probably are. Thank you for the time we had together. It’s still a good pig.

This line for you:

“and I dream your dream for you and now your dream is real”

Adieu.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87cLyBR1JTo]

Dear Cameron, On Love

ā€œMom, look, Arielā€™s going to marry Prince Eric and heā€™s defeated Ursula the sea witch and now theyā€™re going to live happily ever afterā€, Cameron said, eyes all-bright and beaming at the prospect of yet another animated fairytale coming to its conclusion of sweethearts and rainbows.

Iā€™m stuck questioning myself in this myriad of fairytales. I have always said that I would raise Cameron honestly. Protected from the nastiness of underbelly of life, as best I could but, honestly nonetheless. So how do I tame this wild belief in fairytales and demon-slaying princes?

The truth is sheā€™s far too young to be jaded by my cynicism. My heart breaks though, when I think of the future. Of teenage crushes and the emotional crushing that beckons beyond that. Of love notes passed under desks and then crumpled into the bin once the infatuation passes.

How do I temper this fairytale mind? I donā€™t live the fairytale life. True, weā€™re happy as our little family of Mama and Cam, prancing around and singing ABBA loudly, whilst pigging out on ice-cream with sprinkles.

But the thing that sticks in my throat, beyond Cameronā€™s DVD collection, is my own collection of love stories and soppy chick flicks. Thereā€™s a moment in Love Actually that sums up the extraordinary thing. Whatā€™s the extraordinary thing, I hear you ask? Itā€™s that moment where that man of your dreams, or flavour of the week, does the extraordinary thing. In Love Actually, itā€™s when Keira Knightley is serenaded by flashcard by her husbandā€™s best friend at her front door. In Bridget Jones, itā€™s when Mark Darcy rescues Bridget from an impending doom in a Thai jail.

Thatā€™s the extraordinary thing. Every great love story has it. Itā€™s when the Prince searches the country, desperate for his glass-slipper mate.

But, to me, the thing is. The thing is, that being swept off your feet often means you lose your ground. Sure, Iā€™ve had my fair share of extraordinary things happen in my life ā€“ I have been incredibly lucky and blessed in that department. But, real love? Enduring beyond the extraordinary thing? Can I really tell my daughter that it does exist?

The truth is that I canā€™t answer that question. To me, the extraordinary thing has to be lived and loved every day. Thatā€™s enduring love. Thatā€™s the love I see between a friend of mine and her husband. Thatā€™s the love I want for my daughter, one day, when I let her out of the house. The extraordinary thing should be every day.

Maybe Iā€™m setting impossible standards for my child. Iā€™d like to think Iā€™m not but, life experience shows me that I might just be. Iā€™d like to think Iā€™m promoting an attitude of not compromising herself for anyone else. Iā€™d like to think I want to set the bar so high, that her prince (or princess, Iā€™m not fussy) is truly worthy of her immense and awe-inspiring love.

They better be. Or else Iā€™m setting my stun-gun to ā€œannihilateā€.

stuff i battle to say

i know, it must seem weird for someone so eagerly verbose to battle to stay stuff but, hey, it’s true…

bear in mind, please, that it’s 23:28, i’ve worked every night this week and i’m not only tired but think the fish have even fallen asleep from boredom, from watching me monitor tanning here. Anyway, here goes:

1. I battle to say no. especially when it means i can help, and even more so if i love you. if i love you, i think you know who you are.

2. That doesnt mean you should feel guilty for asking. i am capable of saying no, and i won’t ever say yes when it means sacrificing something of myself. i have done that for far too long in my life. and when you turn down my offer, i won’t be offended but, i will keep one in credit for you anyway. the offer stands.

3. so, yes, i’ll hang your washing, hold your hand and make you tea, but, no, i won’t do it when i’m in the middle of bathing my kid. i’ll let you know if it’s an issue.

4. on that note, i am learning to say no when i feel taken advantage of. and no, youre not one of those people.

5. when i look around me, im still awed. not even in my wildest imagination did i think i would end up with this much love, such brilliantly funny, understanding and superb people in my life. so, excuse me if i get starstruck on your asses. it’s the way i am.

6. yes, i get scared. out of my mind. i just battle to show it. fear is not something i do well.

7. i’m scared of more things than you know, but i’ll be arsed if i’ll show it to that of which i am fearful. call it stubbornness, or whatever.

8. i have a secret hanging for robbie williams. it has nothing on my secret hanging for mark owen though. wahhah. just thought i’d throw a funny one in for good measure.

9. the concept of you not existing in my life, is anathema to me. pure, Ā unadulterated, grimacing-against-my-own-body, anathema. don’t ever leave. heh. that sounds demanding.

10. Ā this afternoon, when you asked what was on my mind, the truth is…you.

11. there is nothing in the world i would not do for you. scrap that, the universe. and i would do it with joy.

12. i miss you on the strangest days. days when you really should be here, and random days where i look in the mirror at my frown lines (when the hell did those arrive!!??!!) and think “wish i could bitch to you about this”.

13. when you wake up, still rough-eyed and hopping around, you remind me of the greatest thing in life – possibility.

14. you’re cleverer than you know, or will admit to. there’s nothing wrong with modesty, especially when you level it under a veil of cockiness that belies great strength.

15. you’re not mad, you’re human. and truly human means being affected, and emotional. reactive, and easily hurt. Our skins are not born thick. stop apologising for your epidermis and be proud that you’re not afraid of showing it.

16. when i look across at you, and you’re telling me something, i hear my own childhood voice played back at me. it makes my mama love surge up and want to keep you from the world. it also makes me so proud to see you, so strong, and so brave. and so very loving every second of your precious life.

17. i may not have done everything right in my life, but holy hell, i know there are at least two things i have. both of them happened without my intentions at the beginning of the day being set. heaven knows how immensely grateful i am that a little destiny shone it’s glo-worm at me on those two days.

18. i’ve started spring cleaning my house. i knew this was coming. i’ve felt it for three weeks now. call it winter renewals, or hibernation habits, but the aptly named ‘junemo’ time of this year, holds more hard work, but also more hope, than i have ever imagined.

19. you say things i’m thinking at the exact time i’m thinking them, more often than you know. sometimes i worry i have elucidated my thoughts verbally and not heard myself.

20. when you said i didn’t know you anymore, the truth is…it scares you how much you don’t know me anymore. a doomat is something you wipe your feet on, and i shrugged off that liferug a while ago.

21. great things come from little conversations. keep inspiring me, universe.

22. wherever i am, i always want you with me. that sounds selfish and impossible and…i don’t care.

23. even though you’re now a million miles away and probably not thinking about it at all, i’m reminiscing about that day you dragged me out of bed and made me watch the sunrise with you. just because it was beautiful.

24. i know we don’t speak much, but my respect for you and all that you do, grows daily.

25. in twenty days, i will enter the last year of my twenties. considering i first started writing (or what i term anything near decent writing, although a lot of it was so trite and utter crap) at thirteen, i will have been pounding keyboards and chewing pencils trying to find the right words for sixteen years.

26. dudes, at sixteen i already knew this was what i wanted to do with my life. and yes, i mean all of it.

27. i should have answered that question today with the word: “tomorrow”.

28. when you reflect back to me what i have told you, like today when you said “yes mom, i know you miss him but, you’ll see him soon and even when someone is not with you, the love doesn’t change”, it reminds me of how much i love you, how precious you are, and how blessed i am that you chose me to raise you. when you do things like that, i finally feel like i may just be doing an okay job.

29. the day you said i would never finish anything, was the day i resolved to always do so. that included you. in fact, you were first. hah.

30. perhaps it’s less about being strong, and more about being brave enough to say you’re not.

(Glugster - you know why i'm grinning at you whilst i end this post)

stuffs

okay, so…there’s stuff going on. Unfortunately, folks, you won’t be reading about it here or anywhere else in fact. I have some decorum and necessity for that.

But, I just wanted to say… thank you. Thank you for your emails, calls, messages and sunday morning early risings.

It means a lot to me. more than you know. I know my army is strong, and proud. and willing.Ā 

The fact is that i currently oscillate between being okay with it, to wanting to smack things, to wanting to just cry.Ā 

But, I’m strong. I’m strong because i know that things will be okay. Not ideal, but okay.Ā 

I know they will be okay because there is no better army in the world than mine, and i defy anyone to test that theory.Ā 

It already appears someone is. Heh. No matter.

I know you’re there. And it’s what’s keeping me going. Keeping me smiling. Keeping me strong. Keeping me doing this. Keeping me writing this.Ā 

Don’t worry. I ain’t stopping. Ever.

all quiet on the blog front, apologies

just a short one then, before I roar off and go try save the world whilst not pulling my hair out or completely flipping into catatonia:

1. Cameron. She’s become mini me. This morning, she dressed herself, in pants and a skirt (NOOO idea where that came from haha!) and stood in the doorway of our divine kitchen and said: “Mom. I woke up in a very bad mood. I would appreciate your consideration”…. and then stomped off demanding to know where I had put her other shoe. Look, I’m just saying, I thought the world was screwed enough having me around but, as I stood there, quietly corpsing with laughter over the dishes, I thought “ooh boy, Universe, watch yourself”.

2. Thoughts and love go to my friend, K. I’m sorry for your loss.

3. Thoughts and love go out to SheBee’s family. I know your brother is gonna pull through okay. As ExMi said, your kind are hard to remove. ‘strue, hardy you lot are. mwah

4. Massive, massive love to a very brave friend, i’m here and i got your back and those that need an army.

5. yesterday, I sent off an early birthday package. I hope you like it. You’ll know who you are when you get it.

6. I have a new patch of grey hair. Well, hey. There’s a reason they made hair dye. No, I’m not showing it to you. Yes, it will be gone this weekend.

7. I’m so flipping proud of you. You rise above, even when your dough wants to flop. Remember to rest, please. Demand it if you must. I know you’re reading this now.

8. Work is insane. Insane but good.

9. the 27dinner rocked. you awesome peeps, you.

10. it really is the little things. Like random late night marshmallow deliveries. Things like that keep my oft-bruised-by-world heart open.

11. We love the new house. foties soon.

12. Six weeks til Larcy and Bear are back.

šŸ™‚

A listy list because I can…

1. I am… thankful, busy as fuck, and alive.

2. I think… I can’t wait for the weekend. Weddings (not mine), home movings (not mine) and relax-time (mine)

3. I’m singing…nest – bhora. i have no idea why. it’s been stuck in my head for two days.

4. I’m sighing at…my itunes. which has gone belly up and refuses to do anything but stare at me and say “screw you, I shall not play any more ABBA to keep your spirits up chick”

5. I’m concerned about…people who steal. People who steal from good people. Really good people, who give and care. And then they get fucked right over. You, you person I trusted and loved and gave everything I could to, you disgust me. You wittled my faith and took away something very, very precious to someone I care about like family. Quite frankly, fuck you.

6. I love…my daughter, my sent-straight-out-of-heaven friends, my insane-crazy family.

7. I want…another chocolate brownie. (hehe, thank you Sue)

8. I wish for…there to just be an ounce more fairness in the world. Just an ounce would go a far way.

9. I’m getting over…virgin flipping mobile. Refund me, you bunch of incompetents.

10. I’m learning…to forgive you for once again, neglecting to realise what that means.Ā  I can’t always expect you to know, when you really had no desire to do so, and still don’t really. I don’t think you ever really will, and really ever have.

11. I’m listening…to some sweet ass silence in the office for a change.

12. I’m headed for…my login page to get some work done.

Later, peeps.

(yes, thats a 12, and gluggie, well, you know what I’m gonna say :P)