I realise I haven’t blogged in a while. You mentioned it to me the other day and well, you know how it is. You know how strung between thin lines of work I have been, and have understood when I’ve needed to shout about it. You’ve held my hand when I didn’t know what else to do, and you’re always there.
Always with me. My life thus far has never been about constants. My life thus far has always been about the chop and change of circumstance, and maniacal scramble towards getting things done that hopefully matter but, sometimes leave me feeling a little kicked in the teeth.
Enough with the whining about why I haven’t written. Let’s get to the good stuff.
Every day. Every single day, I am simply and fantastically awed by you. You. You, my constant. No matter what, and no matter when, you’re there. You see, I didn’t expect that. At every turn, both during this amazing year and before then, you were constant. You’ve become the person I know I can lean on, believe in and laugh with, without concern about whether or not I’ll dribble tea down my chin.
You’ve loved me right through losing my mother. You’ve loved me right through facing up to some of life’s horrible demons. You’ve loved me straight past my sometimes crazy ways. You’ve loved me for them, in spite of them. You’ve loved me when I feel I cannot do enough. And you’ve loved me right through my over-functioning. You love me even though I can’t navigate my way through the kitchen without the aid of a map and a flashlight. Heh.
You do things that make me explode with pride. You do them so well, you sometimes intimidate me. You make me shake just knowing that in that swell of pride of just knowing you, you’re also the person who knows all my secrets. In that moment of pure joy where you’ve succeeded at something that I know you put all your energy into, I know how much of yourself you give. All of it. Always.
You’ve taken me aside, put my head straight. Given me perspective when I could not see it myself. You’ve let me love you back in any and every way I can. You’ve loved me right through insomnia and weirdly, because of you, I sleep better than I ever have before.
You’ve opened up my world. A world I believed, so firmly, that was well-rounded and protected. You’ve made me see that it is possible to have a safe place that you don’t have to shut everyone else out of. You’ve reminded me of what’s important. That it’s not about how much power I give to something, it’s how much of me I put in.
You’ve danced with me whenever we can. Whether we’re waiting for dinner, or shopping, or just getting up to get something. You dance with me and you make me smile.
A smile that swims straight through me. It can’t be tempered or tamed. It bursts, without direction. Sometimes it becomes the frothing giggles and I can’t stop but to feel the intense relief of knowing that I can laugh without worrying when it will turn into a frown.
You’ve let me stop worrying. Suddenly my frown lines are not permanent fixtures. It’s been hard for me to let go. So hard. But you’ve let me let go, and squeezed my hand to let me know I’m alright.
I never expected you. That still gets me every single time I think about it. You were the unexpected early Christmas present that is my gift every day. You’ve blessed me more than I can count.
You’re in pictures with me. Sometimes I just stare and think “Hello, this is my life. Life check. Your boyfriend is hot and is with you. Life check. Awesome”.
You’re okay with me crying. Whether I’m crying because I’m sad, touched by something or crying from happiness. You deal with my big emotional responses to events, people, pictures, words. You love me for them, even though they’re sometimes bigger than I can put into words.
You share with me. We divulge the minutiae of our days with extreme detail and I feel a part of your every move. Even the most banal parts of my day, I can tell you. You let me explain the problem at hand, without trying to immediately fix it. You know, more than anyone, more than even myself, that I can get through things without being fixed.
And then. And then if that was not enough. There’s the secret club of two that I am only sometimes invited to. The secret club of two, comprised of my life’s greatest surprises and ultimate joys. This is the part where I fall apart into a puddle of happy tears whilst typing this. This is the part where I wish, every day, that I could show my dad, like a silly schoolgirl, you. The secret club of two where my heart rests.
You know, the first morning you woke up early and played with Cam so that I could sleep in. You remember that? I know you do. When I awoke, I listened. You two were talking, still new in your affection for each other but, already unbridled in your adoration. I listened and swooned. You were playing and talking so sweetly, that half of my heart did not want to disturb the beautiful experience of just listening to you.
And the best part? The best part is that it just keeps getting better. You’re there for her, whenever and however. You’re celebrating her every success, and not afraid to help her with direction in life. You’re understanding when she cries and you listen to her fantastic stories of mermaids under the sea. Remember that time we went down to the beach? And you, whilst we were walking on the pier, pretended to spot a mermaid? That sits with me every day. You tap into the fairytales of her mind, and let her live that world through and through. I mean, really, how many times have you played the part of the handsome prince to her playtime meanderings? Is it 605 thousand times or 606 thousand times?
We’re at dinner, just the three of us and we’re talking about the wonders of the world. You’re teaching her about things I didn’t even know existed. You’re teaching me about things I nonchalantly used to ignore.
You’re loving both of us, and you’re not scared to. Not at all.
My love. My unexpected love. My absolute, fearless and wonderful love. All I have are the words…
You made my heart come home. Happy Anniversary. I love you. X