it lifted me on a day when i needed to hear something nice.
coming out of the mouth of someone i admire and hold very highly in esteem, it meant a lot to this girl behind her monitor.
i thought i’d share it.
you’re the most beautiful wonderful person i know, maybe being where you are is why you are the person you are
thank you dear.
I’ve just been asked why I blog.
I’ve been berated for it before, and been told that I open myself up to the world for scrutiny and judgement.
If you know anything about me at all, you’d know I don’t care how you judge me, or what you assume of me. Assumptions are the mother of all fuckups. You can come to your own conclusions. I don’t really care what you think. Unless, of course, I am in some way biased towards you, and you’d be surprised really – anyone who does assume things of me generally loses my bias in seconds. You’d be surprised who is on my very short list of people who’s opinions really matter to me.
That aside, why do I blog? I blog because it’s my diary. I blog because I have something to say. When something joys me, irks me, annoys me, finds me, feels me. Mostly, though, it’s because something resonates with me.
On that note though, I’m not just here to respond to things. In fact, the more I grow up and grow older (happy last month of 27 for me today!), the less I find the need to respond, but rather, to acknowledge.
I don’t get off on places or things. I get off mainly on people.
I’m lucky. As I said to Sheena yesterday…I am lucky enough in my life to have only people in my life who are unconditionally here. They are here without assumption, without condition, without expectation. They are only here because they want to be, not because they’re obligated to be, or feel they should be.
In the same manner, I am here not because I have some maligned agenda. I’m not here to use people to get what I want or need- If I can’t get there myself, and I need help, you’ll know about it. But generally, If I can’t get there myself, I lose interest pretty quickly in desiring something. I love the sense of community and unconditionality that exists with each person I have in my life. It doesn’t matter how many times I have stood by them, or they stood by me. It just matters today. There are no scorecards in my relationships with people. Anyone who runs one has been removed from my life, thanks.
I’m here to live my life, love my life and do so unapologetically. As such then, I’ll love who I want to, be who I want to, and don’t expect me to be sorry for it just because you judge it.
So why do I blog? It’s to bring to the fore the fact that I don’t feel alone in the world. To highlight things/events/people that have resonated with me. To capture things that are important to me. whether you like it or not is really not my concern, nor configures any drive in me.
Whether you read it or not holds no water with me. If you do, and you find something that means something to you, or resonates with you in some way, then I am glad and honoured that you do. If you don’t, well, keep reading. Something will come along, I’m sure. If reading my blog leads you to judge, assume or needle weird assumptions of information out of something, then just go away. If you really want to know something about me or want to understand some codespeak that’s ended up here, then ask me directly.
I am just me. All that that encompasses and all that that does not.
I am unapologetic and unmoved. It’s taken be a good long while, and a lot of work to get to this place of mine, where my real world and the one in my head are the same. This place in life where I truly feel myself.
If you think I’d give up myself for you, you’d be wrong. If you demand an explanation of me as to why I feel myself, well then, you know nothing about me. If you think I should apologise for being happy, well, perhaps you should go and make yourself happy and really I couldn’t be arsed to listen to your whining. I won’t hear you. And if you question my sanity or alleged agenda and actions, well, I have this great big ignore button installed. it’s bright and red and I press it without much concern.
And I’m going to keep writing, thank you.
SOTD (thanks Eve D): I’m still standing – Elton John (twee, I realise, but, hey, it worked for me this morning!)
C: i’m just not used to the unconditional, the unexpectational.
S: so when do you think you’ll be used to it?
C: soon. i’m getting there.
S: good. 🙂
C: skck4t. 🙂
good morning monday.
inkafair!
i was recently asked why i say i have commitment issues.
truth is, i do. but not with commitment itself, or the notions of exclusivity and exploration but, rather, actually, this is gonna be a shocker folks – it’s just not been asked for in the right way for me, in many cases.
i don’t speak only in the typical, relationship sense. i mean it in any sphere of life.
currently, though, i find that its the people who ask commitment of me in atypical ways that have stuck around and that i want to stick around. they are the people to whom i am willing to commit time, energy, money, love. truth is, i have two of these things to give in abundance.
energy and love.
time and money, well that’s what we all lack, right?
in my experience with commitment, and hence my alleged commitment issues, it’s always been demanded from me, pulled from me, possibly even swindled. occasionally guilted out of me. i’ve done it too, in the past, but it always ended in an, and i quote “unpleasant manner”.
taking me at face value is far more beneficial than using your assumptions to guide getting what you want out of me. taking me just as i am has proven to be a far more exciting and joyful experience than trying to squish me into what you want me to be. in reflection back, i will always take you at face value. i don’t ride on agenda, or ponder your motives. i’m just going to take you as you are.
my point here is not some longwinded ramble on whether or not i have commitment issues. i think the crux of the matter here is that i don’t – i just have a little off-centre/atypical approach to it.
Further, it’s the people in my life – from those close to me, to my director, who have not only embraced this but moreover, i think, respond to it. they know they can rely on my commitment, because they know it’s
there. when i’ve decided on something, i’m in it, balls to the wall and wearing matching socks.
i will always have their back. they know who they are. i’m immensely grateful for their openness with me, being open to me, and open with me.
i’m honestly happy.
sotd – just like you are – fire through the window.
