There are a number of songs that form the soundtrack to my life. For some crazy-wonderful reason, vh1 has rebranded and refocused…and they now play all those songs. 24 hours a day. It’s as if they went through my music collection and went “Bam, here…have a whole channel, just for you”.
It’s great. It’s making me obsess a little, scared to miss even one music video in case it’s one that makes me go “oooh” and dance around the room. This obsession even leads me to think “mmm, maybe I’ll watch some vh1” at 2am, when I wake up for no reason at all (my insomnia is trying to make a reappearance. I am attempting to shove it back into its corner).
In this plethora of songs, there is one that can make me cry in three seconds flat. It is, surprisingly, this song:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiYF7pUPuFs]
The song itself, has a multitude of meanings, I realise. There are people who believe this is a story of a child who survived trauma, looking back on her life. There are people who believe this song is about unrequited love. Annie Lennox apparently told interviewers that this song was her “letting go of the facades” that certain loves present.
For me, it is all of these things, and more. Annie Lennox actually sums up a fear of mine…one I confront every day and try to live beyond, in many respects of my life. It is:
the language is leaving me.
As a writer, I am paranoid that one day I will…run out of words. I know I have friends who feel this sometimes too, and I love that I can tell them that, and have them say “when you do, I suggest you go outside and find some…because they are there”.
That phrase symbolises running out of things to say to the world, to a friend, to a loved one. To me, it’s akin to death (and we all know I don’t deal with death well), to an ending of things. Whether it be a love, a life or a friendship. When you run out of words to say, or stop talking, things end.
I have felt that language leave me in life. Whether it’s been to a friend, a partner or a life. I have said my final words to my parents, and the language (and they) left. I’ve spoken for the last time to friends, only to have them disappear from my life. I’ve said goodbye to people I loved…where the language left us.
It speaks to my core because of the way I was raised. In my family, communication was key. Whether you were fighting or loving each other, it didn’t matter. What mattered is that you were talking (sidenote – my childhood was noisy).
When the language leaves you, I call it the sticky tongue. It’s when you desperately want to say something but the words are finished. Your mouth is dry and all you can do is stare ahead, hoping the words will return, but internally knowing that the “language is leaving” you “in silence”.
Sometimes, it’s okay to have the language leave you. Sometimes it’s necessary for life to continue forward. Sometimes, it’s growing up…like when your toddler dumps “dada” and starts saying “daddy”. Or when your child always used to call bathtime “badum” and now says “Mom, I would like to go bath, may I have the purple bubbles?”. When the language leaves you then, it’s just growth.
The language is leaving me…sums up so much for me. Like when you go from referring to yourself as “xyz’s girlfriend” and then suddenly you’re not anymore and that way of referring to yourself is gone forever. That language has left you.
It’s also about letting go. Like when you’ve said everything you needed to say, and walk away from a situation. That language leaves you.
Maybe it’s this whole great love of words that is imprinted into my genetics that makes this line so important to me. It’s a touchstone. It sums every change, hurt, liberation or ending in my life… And it’s only five words.
Why am I writing about this today? Because it’s reminded me that just five simple words can change your life.
And those five words, whatever they are, change you.
I’ve had other five-word phrases change my life. (and if you cannot figure out what that phrase was, then you can ask me). Other ones have included: “your father died this morning”/ “I cannot do this anymore”/ “It’s better that you stop”/ “I can’t love you anymore”/ “I’ve lied to you twice”/ “These stupid people can’t drive”/ “Stop what you are doing”/”There’s nothing we can do”/”This is not about you”/”Child appears to have tail”/”It seems chivalry isn’t dead”/”We’re not those people anymore” and…”I have to say no”.
Knowing that five words can change your life, is a frightening but comfortable concept. Just make sure your five words are meaningful.
And if your five word phrase is indicative of an ending, for the sake of the person hearing them, always try to make them kind.
Today, though, my five word phrase is…
I am grateful for you.