It’s pretty obvious that something’s on my mind.
So, when I couldn’t sleep last night and Larcy somehow just KNEW, and called me, and got me talking about it, it got me thinking.
What’s underneath this crap? What’s underneath your lack of willingness to participate when not so long ago, you were more than willing? What changed?
I’ll tell you what changed.
It wasn’t me, it wasn’t me being happy.
It was your inability to be happy for me without it being controlled by you.
You see, king of your universe, you only actually cared when there was something in it to gain for you.
And when it came down to it, what you wanted was me.
Me that was convenient.
Me that was kind. Too kind.
Too kind because I did not want to be cruel.
Me that cleaned up your messes and never asked once for you to help. God forbid I ever should.
And the moment you finally realised that I was not in the equation
– kudos, that only took you a few years to notice –
you decided to lash back and sadly, it’s not me that hurts here.
It’s not me you hurt and leave feeling alone.
I stopped you doing that years ago.
You could never handle me standing up and saying something. Yet it was always something you told me you admired me for.
I remember once, I had to stand up in front of some people and say something.
I asked you to be there.
You knew about it, had a full brief and I was so very excited and scared shitless.
When I had to stand up, I looked up, and you were not there.
When I later asked you where you were, you told me you didn’t think it was that important because it was not important to you.
It amazes me that even in another life, for another person you claim to love, you repeat the same statement in so many ways.
You’re doing to her what you did to me.
It’s just not important to you. It doesn’t matter. As we both know, car paint is way more important to the functioning of your universe.
One day, and I don’t mean this as a threat but actually as a simple statement of fact, you will be the one to lose.
I feel a loss today for someone I love. But not for me.
Again I feel a strange sense of liberation from having to be the one to make excuses for you.
A blunt and sweet withdrawal of my support for your issues that are clearly far more important in your head.
I realise time and again, that I’ve always been making excuses for you. And in some way, you always told me not to. Funny that, because you always wanted me to.
Grand Dissonance, indeed.
Today, I finally listen. Today, I finish excuses and mollycoddling and the gentleness you have always had from me. Even my kicks in your arse have been gentle.
I don’t write this in anger, I write this in the most unemotional way I have ever written. I give it to you straight, blunt and without a raise in my voice.
To it, in response, you will tell me it’s me that has the problem. To it, you will tell me to calm down and that I am taking far too much upon myself and trying to make you take it too. To it, you will tell me you’re too busy dreaming about the things that do not matter to a little girl’s heart to pay attention to her missing you.
To it, you will say what you always say. And to me, it rings hollow as always.
But then, it will never matter to me ever. But to someone else, it will.
Every day when I try and think about what I’m teaching her, I hope there is a lesson in every day, to help her along.
The lesson underneath that you teach is “I love you, but you don’t matter enough for me to be there”.
Grand Dissonance, indeed.
That’s not love. That’s convenience.
Newsflash. People don’t come from a convenience store.