things you don’t know about me – the 2013 edition.

Lots of people are doing “well, this is how 2013 was” posts. I’ve decided to end off this year with a post about the year, but that’s not particularly chronological. So, here goes:

1) I was once on a TV gameshow. Don’t ever talk to me about it. It was a horrifying experience. I flunked out after the first question, and am still – to this day – embarrassed by it. I knew the answer, but the pressure of the situation just got to me.

2) Half the time, I’m writing something in my head. The other half of the time, I’m mentally editing it. All of the time, it probably has nothing to do with the person in front of me.

3) This year taught me how to lean. I needed to do it. It went against everything I have trained myself into, over the years, but I leant. Hard. And it got me through. Turns out my prior experiences of leaning and ending up on the floor were just because the leanpost wasn’t stable enough, or willing enough.

4) Gauging by my work outputs this year, across all areas of what I do, and an average amount of how many words I bash out on this here keyboard every day (some days it’s less, some days it’s more…so I averaged it out)…I’ve written over 1000000 words this year. That’s just writing and creating. I’m pretty sure that’s a tame number for many better writers than I am – but, for me, it’s a dream come true. No wonder my poor keyboard is looking like it’s been kicked around a soccer field. I love you, little machine of magnificence.

5) I have absolutely no idea what the next year will bring. This is the first time, ever, that I’ve been excited by that (and by excited, I mean more excited than frightened).

6) I will be 34 next year. The other day, someone told me they’re surprised I haven’t “settled down”. Um, dude, this is as settled as I will ever get. 10 years ago, that Cath would’ve looked at this scene and been like “Yeah, right, that’ll never happen. Does anybody have tequila?” Sometimes I look back at that 24-year old, and smile. She has no idea how much better it gets.

7) I am damn proud of what I have created. None of what I have/live/experience has come easily to me, ever. I’m grateful for that – there is pleasure in this life work. But I am still very shocked when someone tells me I did well at something. Most of the time, I feel unworthy. I don’t think that feeling will ever leave me.

8) I think I’m particularly nervous about the fact that, pretty soon, my kid’s experience of education will outstrip my ability to assist her. I foresee that I will be relying a lot less on my own remembrance of school concepts, and a lot more on Google next year, as I help her with schoolwork.

9) I once wanted to be Christiane Amanpour. In some respects, I still do, but I’m not particularly keen on being shot at while I try and do my job.

10) I don’t like things that sit across corners. Items should be flush with a corner. Don’t be wasting stupid space by trying to be artsyfartsy. Stick it in the corner. Also, I don’t like sitting at round tables. We are not Knights, you are not wearing a chainmail suit. Nobody has a sword, I think.

11) Learning two things this year has made me stronger. The first one – Not everyone is going to like who you are, what you say or what you do. That is okay. In fact, it’s flipping liberating. Carry on.

12) And the second one – Apologising for the way I feel about things is no longer an option. The moment someone tries to tell you how you should feel, or that it’s wrong for you to feel in a particular way, or – worse – tries to make you apologise for your own emotions, taking back your power and owning them becomes incredibly easy. Feel what you feel, all the way through, and – seriously – sod anyone who tries to make you experience any of those three things.

I will look back on this year not as a culmination of events, either sad, bad, glad or mad…but as a year of opportunity. A year where I was forced to grow, and chose to learn. I am so grateful for this year, because it has created in me a spirit that wants to learn, and loves to breathe.

Have a happy new year, everyone. Thank you for reading.