It’s 27 December. Let me just catch that up quickly. Here goes:
1. It means I am 11864 days old. Looking at that number, I suddenly feel VERY young again. That’s it. I’m counting my age in days from hereonwards, not years. I’m done with years. There have been times I have felt the weight of every day this year, but I have felt the light breeze of change much more strongly. It has buoyed me.
2. We changed. We became a family, proper. With shopping lists and a pile of shoes in the corner. We have our own couch spots and we like the way we function. We exist. We have a home (that notion sometimes startles me still)…it is our little sanctuary.
3. There have been parts of this year I did not like. They gave me a sticky tongue and I glared at them like they had just jumped out from behind a curtain. They passed, as they always do.
4. There have been many celebrations this year. From new beginnings to accomplishments achieved, to wonderful little notions of realising that we’re okay. In fact, we’re good.
5. I have lived for my little triangle of people who live on love and exist to show it. My little triangle. My family.
6. I have been overjoyed to have personal dreams come true. I have been very lucky in opportunity this year. Moreso than I ever imagined I would be.
7. Friends. I have always been rich in friends – something which I treasure so much. But, this year, I realised (sometimes with nasty bump and sometimes with a warm embrace…) who the friends of worth are. And that has been hard. I’ve let go of some people, and some people let go of me. I accepted that, and still do. I walk away from this year, in this respect, with no fight, no drama and zero interest in any of it. That was really brought home to me in a big way this year. As for new friends, and people who have pulled closer into my life…I am grateful. I am surrounded by some rather brilliantly-minded, passionate people. Of 2012, I will keep these friends. These people who make me smile, and who are like home to me.
8. I learnt, this year, how insular I can be. I like my little world, my little places in my head. And I don’t feel ashamed of it. It is through my little loop of life that I heal, breathe and be. It’s that that gives me strength and perspective. I’m not apologising for it anymore. I always battled with being upfront and honest, even though I always tried to be. This year, I think I won that battle. I learnt that truth escapes nothing, and those that run from it, are only running from themselves. I got to write about being honest a lot this year, and that brought me closer to being honest to myself. What a marvellous lesson.
9. My daughter has astounded me this year. Her growth, her nature, her unexpected successes in things that are even beyond me. I sometimes forget that she’s not a baby anymore. This year has taught me that. She’s not the baby girl curled into my neck any more. She is the little person learning her place in the world, certain of her likes and dislikes. She is her own person, with a life and friendships beyond what I can control or create. Letting go like this…has been the most difficult part of parenting for me. I battle to let go. I battle with change. I have cried a lot over this, during 2012. But I let it go, and she grows. Of everything in life, it is of her that I am most proud.
10. Love is not the easy path. It is not about grand gestures of confetti and sparklers (although those are great and should be a part of it!). It is the quiet holding of hands at 2am. It is the consideration of another when making decisions. It is the romance of every day, whatever the weather. It is the helping hand and pillow to collapse into at night, when you’ve been out slaying demons and trying to understand the world all day. 2012 taught me that. That constant love, no matter the weather. It is the love that extends beyond me, beyond him, beyond us, beyond her, beyond our life. This life together is love made visible. We work at it, and love it for its creations.
2012 taught me more than I expected. It allowed me to make dreams into reality. It let me learn. It let me create. It let me write. And write. And write some more. It let me heal, more than I expected. It let me live. It let me get perspective.
This year. I end this year grateful.