There’s a thing about friends.

Friends are never sought out, they happen.

They don’t arrive in your life with a sign that says “Hi, I’m your friend. You and I will impart intimate details of our lives, enjoy celebrations together and share some hilarious, some heartwrenching experiences”.

Friends evolve from the occasional hat-tip, to the laughing over a mutual distaste of something (sometimes the best friends are created when you find yourselves in the mutual space of hating certain things together) or a shared love for something. Whether that be crochet, cricket or conundrums, it doesn’t matter.

//An aside – sometimes friendships end. That’s okay//

My point is…I realised in the last few days in conversations with friends, that they know me. They don’t really care about the demographic details of my life but, they do know me. We have varying terms of reference that chart our friendships and a mutual understanding of where the pinpoints meet. That makes me grateful.

I’ve been writing something recently about what life lessons I hope to impart to my child, the strongest ones, the brightest ones and the rules to live by.

It is summed up, as I’ve said before, in this…

Have good friends. 

Looking back on 30

Seriously, I never, ever, ever thought I’d be sitting here, writing to you at 30. I thought by then I’d have been an entirely different person. How weirdly, then, that I am intensely thankful that I am not.

Usually, I’d pick apart a year of my life now. I’d mull it over, glance at the hurts, grin at the joys and grimace at the moments I did not enjoy. This year, though, I’m giving myself a break. I think I deserve that.

Women24 Shirt.

Yes, I have felt like an orphan at times. Yes, I have often wondered, in these exact words: “what on earth am I doing? why? how? is this a plan or a defense strategy?”. Yes, I have totally loved and danced through some wonderful days of sunshine. And yes, I have known great love. I have known amazing, steadfast friends who are more family than acquaintance.

So I look back on 30, and I think…you lucky chick, you. You very lucky chick.

I am thankful for a year where I felt both solid and adrift, all at the same time. I am thankful for some marvellous anchors with which I am held down during the great winds of life. I am thankful for love of all kinds. I am thankful for my little person, who’s more like me every day, and I hope that turns out to be a good thing. I wish her strength and perserverance. I wish her hope and happiness, through all of it. I have felt more of a mother than I ever have before. I think that has a lot to do with no longer having my own and another lot to do with being more confident in my own parenting.

I think I see things more clearly now than I ever have before. I’m not saying I’m some bastion of clarity. Heh. That’s just not possible if you’re me. But I will admit to being able to think more clearly than I ever have, at times. And that it’s a relief to me, in many ways.

Perhaps the greatest thing that I feel is a sense of consistency, both external and internal. I doubt myself less, and I am able to trust more.

Lucky, lucky me. Intensely thankful, me.

Happy Birthday Me.

What I’ve Learnt

1. That your passion must never outweigh your love. Even if you love doing something so much you cannot imagine living without it, don’t forget to come home. I learnt that the hard way, by proxy. Because once upon a time, I was the home. (this is not nostalgic, just fact).

2. That working at 3am can sometimes be good for the soul.

3. Doing it every day is not.

4. That just when you think you cannot, something within you will say “yes, I can”.

5. That there a lot of dumb actions out there, not dumb people. See, thing is, one person may be totally stupid in something you are not, but level that playing field and you’ll see, we all pretty much balance out.

6. There are, however, exceptions to that rule.

7. In life, you will meet the people you are supposed to meet. Whether you like it or not. Haha.

8. That there is a couple who live in my road who have a raging argument just about every night. Last time I was awake at this time and heard it, one of them threw a suitcase out of a window. This time, they are in the road 03h08 throwing linen at each other. I shit you not. Linen.

9. Police do not respond to domestic altercation calls. Neither do security companies.

10. The thing that pains me most of all is that they have a gorgeous boychild. And he witnesses all of this.

11. This is why I chose to be a single mom.

12. You are only ever as happy as you allow yourself to be.

13. Sometimes it’s harder to allow yourself to be happy than it is to make someone else happy.

14. Tall buildings might house huge egos but, there are just people within them, after all.

15. Forgiving someone is a lot easier than forgiving yourself.

16. You will probably do a fair amount of dumb shit in your life. As long as you learn from it, don’t hurt anyone, and don’t carry on doing it, you’ll be just fine.

17. Listening, rather than waiting for your turn to speak (thanks, Marla Singer) will mean you learn something real, rather than just something else about yourself.

18. There is not a lot in the world that can’t be fixed with a hug. The need for human physical interaction is more than you realise, and a lot more than you deny it to be.

19. You can choose to laugh or to cry. If you choose to cry though, you’re probably going to end up doing it alone.

20. There is a car broken down in my road right now. Two very drunk people are trying to push start it whilst the clearly designated driver slash long-suffering girlfriend attempts to steer it. It’s obvious that the pushers are quite boozed. Because they’re pushing it up a hill, not down it, to start it.

21. Sometimes it’s better to let people go ahead and do their dumb shit, than it is to try and help them.

22. Which is why I’m sitting here typing this and not helping push, and obviously direct them the right way around.

23. Your best friends are the ones who will make you laugh in a crisis. Specifically, at yourself.

24. Try not to take it the wrong way when they do it.

25. Because you’ll do it for them one day, and mean it in the same kind of “oh shit, I’m so relieved you’re alive/unscathed/not marrying into a family of gingers” (this is a private joke, sorry, and not intended to offend anyone)

26. The grass is only greener on the other side because there is more manure there. Remember that.

27. The simplest pleasure in the world is a ‘love’ from a child.

28. Children love unconditionally. Never, ever throw conditions on your love for them.

29. You are only what people think you are when you believe them. Don’t let someone else’s perception skew yours.

30. It’s entirely possible that you’re wrong though, but if you need to learn a lesson, you’ll learn it. The hard way or the easy way.

31. No-one’s going to make it easier for you other than you.

32. Aforementioned broken down car now has it’s hood open whilst two rather sloshed boys attempt to fix it.

33. This is one of those dumb things you will probably do in your life, regret it in the morning, laugh about it one day, and then nervously change the subject.

🙂

Good morning, world.