Tag: letter to noone

Ruby Tuesday’s Tricycle.

1. SOTD: Duality – Slipknot.

I push my fingers into my eyes…
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache…
But it’s made of all the things I have to take…
Jesus, it never ends, it works it’s way inside…
If the pain goes on…
Aaaaaaaah!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I’ve waited last, my time’s elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I’ve wished for this, I’ve bitched at that
I’ve left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I’ve gotta say what I’ve gotta say
And then I swear I’ll go away
But I can’t promise you’ll enjoy the noise
I guess I’ll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You’re left with me ’cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I’m not gonna make it!

Pull me back together
Or separate the skin from the bone
Leave me all the Pieces, and then you can leave me
alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it’s made of all the thing I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it’s way inside
If the pain goes on,
I’m not gonna make it!

All I’ve got…all I’ve got is insane…
All I’ve got…all I’ve got is insane…
All I’ve got…all I’ve got is insane!
All I’ve got…all I’ve got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it’s made of all the thing I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it’s way inside
If the pain goes on,
I’m not gonna make it!

2.Thoughts: I am tired. I cannot wait for this to be over.

I grew tired of doing it before the rubbish truck dumped its load on my bare feet
I grew tired of picking up your scrambled egg of a life and trying to placate it into shape

I grew tired of grinding my teeth
I grew tired of your familial gratings

I grew tired of walking, running, hurtling towards the centre of the earth
I grew tired of wanting the fences to fall down, and being thrust into building them
I grew tired of being pulled in two, three, four and five again.

I am tired of hearing your name
I am tired of hearing you scream my name, whisper it, defame it
I am tired of your verbal backbiting, your social backsliding

I am tired of sitting in the quiet night listening to your screaming
I am tired of my opinions being dissected and trampled
I am tired of your appearance, disappearance
I am tired of your sniping, stupid commentary on events.

I am tired of your moaning to come inside, go without, be within and be more closed, more open, more like me, more like you
I am tired of your criticisms, supposed witticisms and above all, your entire “ism” (whatever that may be)

I am tired of all the neverending garbage you seem to have left in your wake
I am tired of wading through it and trying to find peace

I am tired.
So I sleep.
So glad
I am no longer
under
any obligation to you.

3. Please stay with me in this red space.

I’ll be here, chasing cars, working hard and getting on by. You forget, I’m invincible.

“Nice shirt. Pity about the rest of you”.

A letter I will never send, to someone I will never know.

Dear ***

You don’t know me. In fact, we have never met and, circumstances aside, I doubt neither coincidence nor brute force, strong will or begging will make such a meeting occur.

That said, I believe I know more about you than you would be comfortable with. I have shared your dreams, read your letters and held your hand through time travel. I have relived and revived and revisited all the places that still haunt you, even though you fear
admission of them, to anyone. Least of all, her.

You see, ***, all she ever wanted was to love you. I quote something I read once, which I know, resonated with her: “Asleep, you are curled like a question mark. I want to be the only answer you’ll ever need”.

And she did, she let you in, you let her love you, and through the inhalation and exhalation of life, you were where she began.

You see, ***, I don’t write this letter in anger towards you for spurning a memory again.

I thank you for this closure you have finally offered, but moreover, i want to thank you for letting her begin.

Were it not for you, ***, I do not know how the commonality that exists between myself and the person we hold common, would have blossomed so quickly and magnificently as it had. If she had been boxed in or labelled before she’d begun, I wonder if she would ever had begun at all.

I don’t doubt in any way that it was our destiny to have commonality but, maybe the texture of it would have been a little different. I thank you for the texture – the warm comfort of home that I feel with
her, and the spectacular ease with which I know we can and do resonate.

It was you who taught her to be brave. And ***, it was her who taught me to be brave, even when the world crashes into the sky and the moon collides with the sun. So, I thank you, a million times, for this.

I don’t write this to shout at you. I write this to thank you for all that you were and all that you were not. I thank you for the guidance you have shown to me, as I begin again in life. It is through our common person’s wisdom and courage, that I, have been able to begin again. To believe again. To unashamedly purge and rise again. And to not give up.

Dear ***, I thank you for your closure. I thank you for being brave enough, finally, not to shut out, as you have done to her for so many years, and so many years before that, when you and her were in much closer life proximity than you are today – geographical distance aside.

I have seen your face in turmoil. I have seen your face in joy – photographs are more telling than you think. I have watched as she cried to be let in, and revelled in running free of it all. I believe your closure is best, as hard and as stabbing as it is to her dreams.

You have reminded me and I believe, her, that the pursuit of happiness has nothing to do with how far you run, or how high you jump, but that the pursuit of happiness is all about coming home.

Goodbye, ***. I wish you all the joy and turmoil that makes you free. That makes you live.

And I thank you for letting the person we hold common, live.

With respect and my honour,
Cath

a letter to noone

i am not responsible for your pain and how you let it affect your life.

I respect that you feel you have your process, and want to experience life and healing and whatever else it is you feel you need. In the same way, I hope you respect my process.

I have never, ever believed that anyone could heal me except myself. It comes from within.

Like it should.

/end of letter to noone