Tag: grace

A letter from the Universe, for those hard days.

Dear Cath,

You’re really not having it great are you? You’re a great wallower, you. The dying swan act you do so well gets you nowhere, remember?

That said, your Martha Plimpton from 200 Cigarettes impersonation is outstanding.

Which is why we decided to play that funky soundtrack for you.

So you see, whilst you were standing there in your tulle prom skirt and bjork hair, a song played.

It was the start of the 80s soundtrack you needed. George Michael really did say it best when he said “you gotta have faith”.
He probably also says alot of things like “you gotta have nice public bathrooms” too but, hey, we’re not listening to that part today.

So, when you finally cracked a joke and made an ABBA song into a good commentary on how winners really do take it all (but, where is the exact question…hah) we knew we had the start of your shell cracking. Just a little peek.

True, you’re not doing fabulously. Sleep is evasive and work is very consuming right now. But, you’ll get by.

Like Will said to you last night – “i’m so proud of you. you’re still doing things”.

You’ve refused to stagnate, even though that’s all you feel like doing.

cathpic098You’ve a new home, a new and beautiful tattoo upon your arm to remind of your grace in life.

Your grace in life, hard-won and fiercely protected.

Your grace in life that you find in the friends who buoy you and hold your hand even when your fist is clenched tightly into a ball of steel.

Your grace in life that you find in people who still think you’re funny when you’re crying.

Your grace in life that you find when you wake up to see your beautiful daughter smiling at you and saying “mama, i love you so much”.

When you realise, time and again, that there are some essential tunes missing from that grand five-disc cd set of Will’s of 80’s classics… it doesn’t detract from it’s awesomeness.

Sure, Wham is not imprinted upon it’s silver surface and there is no Human League to be found, but, it’s still a brilliant collection of songs that will get you through.

Songs that will make you smile, sometimes even when you don’t want to.

So, you see, Cath. Maybe your grand five-disc cd set of life right now does not have every song you think should be there, but it’s still good.

So good. So good even when you do not realise it.

Those songs don’t stop playing just because that Alison Moyet solo number is not with it. They keep playing anyway. And they’re just as beautiful.

In just the same way, your grace in life continues without skipping.

No matter where you are, or whatever you’re missing.

Stay proud. Stay open. We know it’s hard but stay open even though your heart is closed.

Remember, Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush said it: “don’t give up, you have friends”.

With feathers,

The Universe

***

Dear Universe

Thanks for being the dj. Keep sending the feathers. 🙂

Cath

Will and Grace – A Decade. Part 1

Once upon a time there was a girl with a curl

– Stop me if you’ve heard this one before –

This girl with a curl had a very good friend

A previous love curved far back into her annals of life

Embedded in her every day.

A previous love that fell in love with a man of a red horse

Coupled with a penchant for polka dots and fishnets

One day, these two lovers, they went away. Far away.

Travelled far to a country of green

And thus began the emails with which Will and Grace would vent their spleen.

One day over a bean bag, table of glee,

They sat and counted out smokes by three,

And so the merry man would return,

To the country to where they felt free.

He came home, A house went pron, and they got it on like a scone

(no, not THAT on)

We lit a lot of candles, danced a million nights away…

Then she got sprogged up and, let’s remember, he is gay.

(so, no, scotch that rumour…waha…)

And under a bright sun, and a night light of blue,

They did the big block, her and you.

Never throw your hand down, William.

26 letters of demographic data

.26 letters of demographic data.
.for the end of 27 years.
.for the beginning of 28 years.

(thanks to franklywrankles for the original idea that spawned this)

As I said to Will this morning whilst commiserating with him via text message about some of the strange places out there in the BWW (Big Wide World), the day of the great life think month has begun. It does not scare me as much as it has in previous years.

The sun rose this morning, making it’s little rainbow island of cloud along the horizon. Orange and blue and black inbetween. A little yellow spreading out towards the buildings.

And, there I was, smiling. Listening to someone notsosmallanymore talk about how she IS wearing her gumboots to school and “no, i am not wearing that shirt today mommy, it’s the same as emma’s and I can’t wear the same shirt as her! She’s my friend and I love her but no, that would suck a bit”.

I sat there, smiling at the sunshine, smiling at this person who, three years before, was still within my belly, making me ginormous and watermelon-like. And trust me, people, I have photos you will never see, I was massive. If you think I walk funny now…

Anyway, I digress. I was listening to Cameron and pondering the usual “Holy crap. Three years and now you’re telling me what you think your wardrobe should consist of!” thoughtbrain. And there it was, unaccountably and unexpectedly, the great prebirthday month-think had begun. The part where I send Will this message: “I think it’s time for me to evaluate the year”.

I will, definitely, be wearing the tiara this year. 🙂

It’s funny, really. If you had told me, on this day, one year ago, that I would be any of the 26 things below, I would never have believed you….

a. Living with Shebee. Seriously. Dudes. This rocks my world.

b. Loving Mommyhood every day more and more and more and more until I could actually burst.

c. Relatively healthy and continuing. (actually, on that score, ALOT healthier, lest we forget the HOLY SHIT ITS A KIDNEY INFECTION AND BJORK COPIES ME incident of last year)

d. More open to sharing the MommyMe with the world (I never thought that would happen, to be honest. I even remember saying to Buddy once, “SocialCath and MommyCath just don’t mix”. It turns out, I was wrong. They’re really the same person now). I’m not afraid of letting people join in the craziness of domestic life with Cath anymore. Chocolate and Donkeys inclusive.

e. Missing Larcy as much as I do. I would never have been able to tell from that crazy Everton/Man United game, that, from that, would spring so much resonation.

f. Entirely free of certain previously influential forces that come in the shape of people.

g. That I’d be dancing in the rain with the most beautiful man in the whole world.

h. More powerful, and willing to use it for myself. And I say that without ego. It used to take me a year to get over a seemingly personal affront. The time it takes me to get past something grows shorter. I’m realising what should be significant and what should be ignored.

i. Not feeling guilty for calling a Time Out when I need CathTime.

j. An aunty again. I am so blessed with love from the little girls in our family. Aunty Caff, indeed.

k. Still living where I live and loving it. With its idiosyncracies and crazy people (not just the ones that live within the walls).

l. Wiser. I thought I’d learnt enough. Turned out, life had a few lessons it had for me still. And that, not only, would I be saddened by them, but, in retrospect, am so glad they happened. Even if it did leave me lying on the lounge floor again.

m. Learning more and more about resilience from my child. The wisdom of a nearly three-year old is unparallelled, people. Seriously, let’s put the pre-schoolers in government. We’d do a lot better, I think.

n. Finally realising that I have been “missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete”. Finally realising the rapture of every day. Every second. Every “little smile” and every rainbow sunshine.

o. Somehow, finally, getting beyond the cloud of self-doubt that has pervaded me for so long. So so so long. I’m not saying that I am without self-doubt, I believe it can drive me sometimes to do better, climb higher and be more. But, I am saying, that it’s not reigning me as much as it once did.

p. That my best friends may not be on the telephone every day. But that they do exist. This not having to be seen; to see; to be; all the time routine, is really very liberating.

q. That I wouldn’t be on Facebook. That’s a big one for me.

r. Sumup of the above two points – the learning to live my life without having to exhibit it all the time. Holy God, is that maturity on some level? I just find honest, direct communication much more meaningful nowadays. Holy God, that is some semblance of maturity.

s. I didn’t think that would happen.

t. Even more so, I didn’t think that it would happen and, not only would I be happy about it, but exhilarated and liberated by it.

u. Less afraid of being open. Truly open. And finding it, also, liberating and exciting.

v. Having Gladys. I was so sure I was doomed to a life of going to work in unironed pants. I never knew the richness she would bring to my life, that goes well beyond my ironed pants.

w. Able to feel strong and not feel the need to shut people out to do so. Does that make sense? It does to me. To be able to feel strong in a room of people is new to me. To be able to feel strong not in a room of people is also new to me. Does that make any sense at all? Do I care? No.

x. Learning and realising and living the theory that the little steps really are the big ones. I always kept my eye on the big steps and felt unaccountably unable to take them. So I wouldn’t take any. I realise now how silly I was in some instances.

y. Realising that everyone can teach you something. Yes, even the people ignoring you.

z. That, truly, the people in my life are the ones who want to be here. That being vulnerable with them is okay. That they’re okay with me being vulnerable, and that they know I’m okay with them being vulnerable.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 more thankful than ever.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 with a fuller heart.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 without bitterness.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 with less telephone numbers stored on my phone.

If you had told me a year ago that my life would be simpler and funnier.

If you had told me a year ago that this year would be 1996 again.

If you had told me a year ago that I would be dancing more every day than I ever have.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 holding the hand of someone I had not yet met, and that they would be the most supremely beautiful man in the world…..

I would never have believed you.

But, trust me, I believe you.

william and gracie ride again.

*humping friday’s leg*

11 hours and 10 minutes, will.

God, i love your smses:

to will: ok. that’s it. weeking come quickly.
from will: i.know.
to will: 30 hours until we are fluent.
from will: lol. are you counting down. it’s the final countdown da da daa da. do do dodooo
to will: yes. bad hair and all. we will be islands in the stream.
from will: are we talking do the big block cheesy music singing best friend blubbing its not the youknowwhat talking 3am phone calling i got my bangle trapped in the door handle?
to will: oh.my.god. yes. pack your first aid kit, alanis cds type of stuff. bangle stuck in doorhandle. we’re going to see fire through the window, it may as well be the other elbow. X
from will: lol. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
to will: ja. there might even be some human leaguing and hangman. who knows. 29 hours. xx

sotd: you’re so great – blur.