Tag: garry

gratitude.

Honest to blog, blog, whenever I am to experience something hard, something uncomfortable, something that hurts, i know I always have an army behind me.

And yesterday, well, my army was there in full force and war paint. It’s there, everyday, you know, but on the days that I have to be a warrior princess, I know I can count on my army to march directly behind me.

(note to Sheena – I’ve just figured out the ants marching noise. hah).

Anyway, me and my army. Yes, my army. I am so thankful for them.

But, believe it or not, blog, my army isnt even commanded by me. it just is. And moreover, it answers to one much smaller and braver than I. Such a brave little girl with such big curls. The truth is, my Super Mommy Powers are entirely borne from the strength and courage of her.

Thank you, you all know, quite well, who you are. I know you were holding my hand and hers. Thank you.

28 years. A letter to myself.

0 – born. you looked like a frog and kind of like your maternal grandmother in a bad mood.

1 – walking. according to reports, a real personality. keen on playing at early hours of morning. already found your niche and primeval swamp

2 – talking. alot. “you know why catherine is so heavy? because she is full of words!”

3 – preschool. you met karen, vaughn and a litany of people who would smack back into your life 25 years later with aplomb and full of memories.

4 – biting your nails already by this age. stubborn.

5 – began school. at this stage you looked remarkably alot like your daughter does now. on the first day of school, you left your mom at the classroom door and said “i can do it by myself”

6 – your best friends are karen, taryn and daine. at karen’s birthday party, there was the ‘interesting’ pool incident.

7 – you move to a small town with your family and start to hate and love life at the same time. you hate the small town. you love having a swimming pool, although you never get into it properly. this is the year you learn another language.

8 – you move back to the primeval swamp. you are so happy to be home.

9 – you’re at a new school. you meet some of the people who will be around forever. your clearest memory of this year is of the person who will one day become your child’s father standing in class queue, and losing your ring. and of charlene fainting. your best friend is tracy and she’s crazy then, and she’s crazy now.

10 – you begin to rebel and cut up your swimming costume in a fit of I DO NOT WANT TO BE THROWN INTO THE POOL AGAIN DURING SWIMMING LESSONS AT SCHOOL THANK YOU. I WILL LEARN IN MY OWN TIME. You hate a lot that year. You have an awesome teacher though. The cat pees on your homework. Someone you will meet again many years later, will remember this.

11 – you are sat next to your lifelong friend in class. stuff you don’t like starts to come out of the woodwork. You have a good teacher, a lovely heart and a new kitty familiar to get you through. You hate cold places. You teach yourself to swim.

12 – you’re elected prefect. Bart Simpson is king of the world and you have a hoodie to prove it. You have no idea why you’re elected prefect but, you meet someone extremely special and strong this year. She will be a guide and inspiration to you for many days, even on her wedding day. Your best friend is Charlene, and you start noticing boys, boobs and the word “bollocks”.

13 – you begin the dreaded high school. Your best friend is Jo. You do fight alot. You kiss a boy for the first time. Many years later, he is working with your best friend.

14 – you bring home your first ‘boyfriend’. You dump him before he realises how crap you are and dumps you, Jo walks home with you. You really think you are crap. You ditch the alice band. You get dumped on New Years Eve.

15 – you lose your virginity. You hate that statement. You meet Steve. Again. Waha. You start going out and loving the crazy life. You meet Sarah. You do crazy, silly things and enjoy “talking to aliens”. Steve breaks up with you but you’re never far from each other’s side. You meet Kate one night in a freezing cold swimming pool. You start to write.

16 – you’re loving life. You have awesome friends, you have an infatuation we can safely call bruce. (hindsight is so 20/20…), you begin to spend a lot of time with Jose. and Michael. and Matthew. You start to realise that people are different and don’t always respond well when thrown into a room together. One night during a horror movie, Steve catches you beginning to create the future. He is not shocked. You are a little. You try on a million personalities. You keep a few. You write and write and write.

17 – you feel a little lost but, certain to continue trying.  You meet the person who’s name is on his shirt. You lose interest way earlier than anyone else notices. You go to your matric dance, you hate every second. you realise very quickly that you’re there with the wrong person so, you and your partner in crime, Janet, smoke and laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone. Your sister leaves for the UK. You finish school and do well. You have no idea how. Jose dies. You miss your friend from that day on.

18 – you start varsity. deciding that path in life was one of the most exciting times of your life. it was that experience that taught you about your dad and how much he gives a shit. After ignoring him, actively, for many years, you start to rely on him more and more. You meet Graeme. You have a sweet relationship, a true college romance. You meet Garry and Stu. You do well at uni, and finish off first year quite drunk and somewhere in a swimming pool.

19 – You begin second year, a little more sure about life. You start to realise more and more about yourself, what you hate and what you want to keep. You spend more and more time with the people some people deem as ‘inferior’ or ‘rebellious’. You don’t care. You get a part-time job at the video store. You ditch Graeme, you remain close though. You do well, and by the time you finish that year, you’ve decided on a few things. You re-meet a nice boy and spend some time learning about how life truly isn’t about how much you can gain, but about how people matter way more.  You finish your degree and celebrate by stamping your dad’s toe by accident and smoking a cigar.

20 – you spend a lot of time at home with your dad. In hindsight, you love this time. You study, you work (the video store years!), you spend a lot of time having fun, you realise you’re in love with someone who’s loved you since his 7th birthday. The words “once upon a rooftop sat…” resonate alot around your life. Garry and Steve move to Ireland and thus begins the ‘spleenvent’ email series. You get your first ‘real’ job and meet J&R, who become your other parents. You get chickenpox.

21 – You get your first ‘real’ job and meet J&R, who become your other parents. You get chickenpox. You ravish up unemployment with writing. You love sitting in your window writing. You muse and live and love. You get your second ‘real’ job. You get your heart broken. You meet Allan.

22 – You move out of home into the second 6 of your addresses. You love living with Allan. You love the wooden floors, you love the craziness. You attempt to cook chicken and instantly go vegetarian. You love the constant music, the mad neighbours (yes, thats you Neville!) You collapse and are medicated for depression. Your dad celebrates with you with chelsea buns. You quit your job. J&R find you a new one with them. Allan leaves. You move home and hate it. You’re obnoxious and unpleasant. And unsure of yourself. So so so unsure of yourself. You keep writing.

23 – you find a new home, the third six in your domestic addresses. You live with Tam. Life is good, crazy and excellent. You and her get lost a lot. You love life. You’re single. You’re not. You’re single. You’re not. Whatever. it doesn’t matter. Life’s great. You meet Mr K. Life is a great party. You meet Micky and Gabi and a lunacy of wonderful people. Some of them, in later years, turn out to not be wonderful. You lick a girl called Lauren’s face. You laugh. You have no idea how that’ll save your life one day. One night at the Winston, a beautiful blond girl says to you “Nice rack. We’re going to be the best of friends forever”. She is right. Garry comes home to visit and you invent the cigarette game. He decides to come home to the madness.

24 – you love life. You decide you want to be with the person you feel closest to. It’s strange and comfort and warm. You move homes and live with Garry and Galaxian. The GaMaCa R***job House, the first 12 in your domestic address history. You keep writing. You have wonderful people, you still worry about whether or not you’re doing the right thing. You begin to learn about your anger. Your dad has a stroke. You worry.you go to splashy and hate it. your brother gets married to the girl he loves above all.  You write alot.

25 – You have Vic in your life, cash crusaders ‘n’ all. On Christmas Eve, your sister says “i’ll bet you anything you’re pregnant” whilst she’s got you in a change room in a shopping mall, trying on the world’s ugliest pink skirt as an alleged “bridesmaid posssibile outfit”. You go home, you pee on a stick. Your sister “gets the camera”. You phone Garry. Your parents are over the moon. Your brother comes home for the first time in ages. Galaxian does not speak for two weeks. You freak out alot. You stop writing for a long time. Your sister gets married. By the time your parents get home from the wedding, your father is dying.

You spend a lot of time with him when you are pregnant. You can’t write. You have no idea what to do. You keep believing. Somehow. You move back to your third domestic address.

You give birth in an insanely fast way. You meet your daughter. You fall in love. Mother lion love. You want to protect at all costs. This never changes.

Your father dies two days after you fail to recognise him and three weeks after his first grandchild is born. You cannot write. You cannot cry. You just stare. You get left alone alot. It is not anyone’s fault.

26 – you are medicated for depression. You go numb. You start to write again. You write your way right back into life. You do it for you, You do it for her. You do it for her, again and again and again. Your child is electrocuted one day at school. She gets pneumonia. Your mother lion love grows and grows.  You force dangerous things out and lose the person you love the most because you have to, to survive.  you live alone, you try at love again and fail. You don’t know why. You try everything, your Mother lion love keeping you warm at night. You live alone with your little child. You worry. You never sleep. Your Mother lion love keeps you going. Your friends love you the way you need. You are okay. Your niece is born.

27 – you end up in hospital. garry saves your life YET again. you spend five days pondering the meaning of life, solidly, and without interruption. you meet someone. you battle. you finally let go. it’s so sad he cannot stay. your heart is broken so that it can finally work properly – without expectation. you write and write and you cannot stop at all. you are sad, and alone, but okay. you keep writing. lauren arrives at your house with yellow flowers. Your Mother Lion Love and your Friends keep you going. You miss your dad. The sixes and twelves surround you every day. You write like never before.

28 – you meet the first person to ever truly stop you on your best friend’s birthday. you doubt and doubt and doubt yourself, you spend a lot of time wondering. you smile alot. you’re still astounded by them even though you don’t tell them. you try to do something that is the safe option in life. You are so wrong. You are broken again. You learn about getting up. Your second niece is born. Your Mother Lion Love grows. Every single one of your high school friends has children. You keep writing. You live with someone so much like you it’s the comfort you wanted at home all along.

You are brave. You step straight into love. You don’t run anymore. You shout COWS alot. You are so happy. You are unashamedly silly and it’s the warmest room in your house of life.

Your courage is rewarded. You have a crazy life. Busy. Vibrant. Full of love.

You are so blessed.

Happy Birthday.

p.s. SOTD – Incomplete – a line from it: I have been running so sweaty my whole life, Urgent for a finish line,
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

26 letters of demographic data

.26 letters of demographic data.
.for the end of 27 years.
.for the beginning of 28 years.

(thanks to franklywrankles for the original idea that spawned this)

As I said to Will this morning whilst commiserating with him via text message about some of the strange places out there in the BWW (Big Wide World), the day of the great life think month has begun. It does not scare me as much as it has in previous years.

The sun rose this morning, making it’s little rainbow island of cloud along the horizon. Orange and blue and black inbetween. A little yellow spreading out towards the buildings.

And, there I was, smiling. Listening to someone notsosmallanymore talk about how she IS wearing her gumboots to school and “no, i am not wearing that shirt today mommy, it’s the same as emma’s and I can’t wear the same shirt as her! She’s my friend and I love her but no, that would suck a bit”.

I sat there, smiling at the sunshine, smiling at this person who, three years before, was still within my belly, making me ginormous and watermelon-like. And trust me, people, I have photos you will never see, I was massive. If you think I walk funny now…

Anyway, I digress. I was listening to Cameron and pondering the usual “Holy crap. Three years and now you’re telling me what you think your wardrobe should consist of!” thoughtbrain. And there it was, unaccountably and unexpectedly, the great prebirthday month-think had begun. The part where I send Will this message: “I think it’s time for me to evaluate the year”.

I will, definitely, be wearing the tiara this year. 🙂

It’s funny, really. If you had told me, on this day, one year ago, that I would be any of the 26 things below, I would never have believed you….

a. Living with Shebee. Seriously. Dudes. This rocks my world.

b. Loving Mommyhood every day more and more and more and more until I could actually burst.

c. Relatively healthy and continuing. (actually, on that score, ALOT healthier, lest we forget the HOLY SHIT ITS A KIDNEY INFECTION AND BJORK COPIES ME incident of last year)

d. More open to sharing the MommyMe with the world (I never thought that would happen, to be honest. I even remember saying to Buddy once, “SocialCath and MommyCath just don’t mix”. It turns out, I was wrong. They’re really the same person now). I’m not afraid of letting people join in the craziness of domestic life with Cath anymore. Chocolate and Donkeys inclusive.

e. Missing Larcy as much as I do. I would never have been able to tell from that crazy Everton/Man United game, that, from that, would spring so much resonation.

f. Entirely free of certain previously influential forces that come in the shape of people.

g. That I’d be dancing in the rain with the most beautiful man in the whole world.

h. More powerful, and willing to use it for myself. And I say that without ego. It used to take me a year to get over a seemingly personal affront. The time it takes me to get past something grows shorter. I’m realising what should be significant and what should be ignored.

i. Not feeling guilty for calling a Time Out when I need CathTime.

j. An aunty again. I am so blessed with love from the little girls in our family. Aunty Caff, indeed.

k. Still living where I live and loving it. With its idiosyncracies and crazy people (not just the ones that live within the walls).

l. Wiser. I thought I’d learnt enough. Turned out, life had a few lessons it had for me still. And that, not only, would I be saddened by them, but, in retrospect, am so glad they happened. Even if it did leave me lying on the lounge floor again.

m. Learning more and more about resilience from my child. The wisdom of a nearly three-year old is unparallelled, people. Seriously, let’s put the pre-schoolers in government. We’d do a lot better, I think.

n. Finally realising that I have been “missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete”. Finally realising the rapture of every day. Every second. Every “little smile” and every rainbow sunshine.

o. Somehow, finally, getting beyond the cloud of self-doubt that has pervaded me for so long. So so so long. I’m not saying that I am without self-doubt, I believe it can drive me sometimes to do better, climb higher and be more. But, I am saying, that it’s not reigning me as much as it once did.

p. That my best friends may not be on the telephone every day. But that they do exist. This not having to be seen; to see; to be; all the time routine, is really very liberating.

q. That I wouldn’t be on Facebook. That’s a big one for me.

r. Sumup of the above two points – the learning to live my life without having to exhibit it all the time. Holy God, is that maturity on some level? I just find honest, direct communication much more meaningful nowadays. Holy God, that is some semblance of maturity.

s. I didn’t think that would happen.

t. Even more so, I didn’t think that it would happen and, not only would I be happy about it, but exhilarated and liberated by it.

u. Less afraid of being open. Truly open. And finding it, also, liberating and exciting.

v. Having Gladys. I was so sure I was doomed to a life of going to work in unironed pants. I never knew the richness she would bring to my life, that goes well beyond my ironed pants.

w. Able to feel strong and not feel the need to shut people out to do so. Does that make sense? It does to me. To be able to feel strong in a room of people is new to me. To be able to feel strong not in a room of people is also new to me. Does that make any sense at all? Do I care? No.

x. Learning and realising and living the theory that the little steps really are the big ones. I always kept my eye on the big steps and felt unaccountably unable to take them. So I wouldn’t take any. I realise now how silly I was in some instances.

y. Realising that everyone can teach you something. Yes, even the people ignoring you.

z. That, truly, the people in my life are the ones who want to be here. That being vulnerable with them is okay. That they’re okay with me being vulnerable, and that they know I’m okay with them being vulnerable.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 more thankful than ever.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 with a fuller heart.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 without bitterness.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 with less telephone numbers stored on my phone.

If you had told me a year ago that my life would be simpler and funnier.

If you had told me a year ago that this year would be 1996 again.

If you had told me a year ago that I would be dancing more every day than I ever have.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 holding the hand of someone I had not yet met, and that they would be the most supremely beautiful man in the world…..

I would never have believed you.

But, trust me, I believe you.

Song For Friday

SOTD – Sond for the Day. Also known as Song For The Defeated today.

Thank you, Will, for listening when I spleenvented. Thank you for letting me be. For being still whilst I yelled at the injustice I see before me on every level.

Thank you, Bean, for being there.

Thank you, NotKay, for understanding when I all I want is to throw a stapler. See you Friday the 13th, Gah. for a meeting. I’ll pack the stapler.

And for you, I say this: “I see all my childhood toys (with chew marks) in your smile”

The Great Beyond – R.E.M.

I’ve watched the stars fall silent from your eyes
All the sights that I have seen
I can’t believe that I believed I wished
That you could see
There’s a new planet in the solar system
There is nothing up my sleeve

I’m pushing an elephant up the stairs
I’m tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don’t want to stay around
Why can’t we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet

I’m pushing an elephant up the stairs
I’m tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I’m breaking through
I’m bending spoons
I’m keeping flowers in full bloom
I’m looking for answers from the great beyond

I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears
Sweetest dreams of you
I Look into the stars
I Look into the moon

I’m pushing an elephant up the stairs
I’m tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I’m breaking through
I’m bending spoons
I’m keeping flowers in full bloom
I’m looking for answers from the great beyond

I’m breaking through
I’m bending spoons
I’m keeping flowers in full bloom
I’m looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I’m breaking through
I’m bending spoons
I’m keeping flowers in full bloom
I’m looking for answers from the great beyond

I’m breaking through
I’m bending spoons
I’m keeping flowers in full bloom
I’m looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I’m breaking through
I’m bending spoons
I’m keeping flowers in full bloom
I’m looking for answers from the great beyond

saturday afternoon musings.

  • awesome quiet dinner with the gaz and waz. followed up with a marriage proposal from neville (neville, you rock my world. no folks, its not a real one) and some dancing.
  • singing champagne supernova loudly. and not caring. i love being free.
  • why is it whenever i stand up for myself i get an inkling of being fucked over? (built bridge, burnt down, roadmap destroyed and keeps walking)
  • Nicolas Cage got me thinking and nodding a ‘right the fuck on, mate’ this morning when I read a quote of his:
    “We are all here to ruin ourselves, break our hearts, Love the wrong people and die”
  • I love that I can splurt it all out. grieve it all, celebrate it all at one time, with you.
  • Pros and Cons Cigarette Game. Enough. Said. *grins at Will*
  • Nikola phoning. Always makes my week
  • Saturday morning phonecalls with my sister.
  • Wait wait. “Where did you get that jacket from???” WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Gaz and Waz. You.crack.me.up.you.blind.homos. 😀
  • I’m utterly addicted to twitter now. totally. it’s taken over my eyes.
  • I’m still confused by the statement “strategic friends”. If I had friends for strategy, I’d have a pretty pointless life, thanks. I reckon you know me a little better than that.
  • Kish’s birthday buzz made me smile.
  • Fire Through The Window summing it up for me, once again: …and the science that exists calms me down….
  • You and your INSANE text messages, smile-e.

Smiles, Smiles, Smiles.

I better get started on getting ready to say goodbye to Larcy and Cwaig.

Still Smiling.

quotes from this weekend

kim: “so his hobby is…”

SuperM: “are you into horses?”

Sheena: “i’m gay” (she was joking, lurkers)

Me: “at least my applicator does not roll away from me” (okay, okay this one’s from today but, hey, it was about the weekend)

Janet: “bribe car”

.all of which, for reasons i cannot explain without pictures and diagrams, mean nothing unless you are me. and im just writing these down for me.

but each of the people reading them know how much they made me laugh, because they were indicative of so much.

this weekend quite simply, rocked. there was a large percentage of time spent slacking and smiling.

seeing janet again, as beautiful as i know she has always been, but truly living it.

sitting at a table of women and for once in my life, not feeling like a complete freak. and, having a few things, yet again, affirmed by unexpected corner dwellers.

seeing seh in shock. knowing that she deserves all the adoration and so much more.

having a ‘domestic intrusion’ of epic proportions. including chinese food and bad humour and rack shots (ashleigh’s not mine, for a change. on that note, where are those photos, mmmmm? )

the will ‘n waz ‘help me get ready you bunch of homos’ routine.

you. for all that you are and are not.

knowing that sometimes, on a sunny saturday, life can be just awesome. just as it is.

i know it all comes down to ebb, flow, hold on and release.

being reminded that, even in my ‘no, really, take me as i am’ state, that i’m just super.

i cannot wait to tell you, one day, my not-so-little-anymore girl, how wonderful it was to hug you again on sunday, and have you say, “i has got a present for you. it’s my love”.

(on that note, if anyone can tell me when my child started learning lolcat, please let me know, thanks. wah)

saturday afternoon rambling.

So, here I am, once again, at the window, thinking of the PPP, and the strength they surround me with. Singing, fire through the window on repeat (fuck i heart this band).

last night we drove around and sang our heads off, I have no idea how Will deals with my horrible voice.

i saw you last night, and i believe you saw me – it’s funny how we refuse to meet in person, like it would destroy our relationship with each others’ words. i admire you more than you know chick.

i had the best time with you last night. jobs quit (not mine), names thrown (not mine!) and hysterical jabs at insecurities and treetrunks (‘i hear she’s got a new feller!’ WAHAHAHHA).

most of all, laughing at ourselves and the siiinnnnging.

sack, i’m hungry for more. =)

larcy will get it.

so, it’s friday afternoon, the sun is setting, i’m updating, well, everything, and catching up on a few things. and plotting what to wear tonight in the great and fab ‘william and gracie’ ride again fest.

As per larcy’s latenight purgefest, with house, i have the vonda on, and as the sun sets this came on. it fitted. only because i know she’d get it.

(an aside. i love how our writing patterns are the same and our techniques akin).

it’s been me for a while now.

the “marriage proposals ahoy!” phase, we call it.

even to the point of trying to marry each other WAHAHAH. but, that’s besides the point.

and, as the sun sets, i realise this song fits me so well. but, then we knew that a while ago…

i know you’ll get it larcy. and you’re giggling right now. you know what i’m talking about. 😉

vonda shephard – will you marry me?

I guess you sunk in
Oh yeah you made it in
Now I’m fumbling somewhere deep within
Will I raise my glass
Or will you kick my ass?
Will we fall down laughing, laughing?

I know love is pain
I know your life’s insane
I want you anyway
I’ll probably complain

Why would I subject myself to this kind of disaster?
A respectable ball and chain is all you’re really after

I’m tumbling inside this reeling feeling coming over me
Will you ever decide? So unrevealing …
Wil you marry me?

Strange behaviour from my saviour
You yank me up and down
Just like a yo-yo
Do you love me?
You’re an anomaly
Or maybe you are just
Unbelievably ordinary

Why would I subject myself to this kind of disaster?
A respectable ball and chain is all you’re really after

I’m tumbling inside this reeling feeling coming over me
Will you ever decide? So unrevealing …
Will you marry me?

I’m tumbling inside, I’m happiest when you are next to me
But I’m still on the outside …
Am I obsessed or
Will you marry me?

A Letter to My 13-Year Old Self

Dear Cath

Please, take that aliceband off. Please. For the Love of All That is Good. Thank you.

Stop pining for the normal that you think you deserve. It is an illusion. You will learn this, don’t panic. But, that normal you see presented before you, really is an illusion. In fifteen years time, you will see that the most normal things are strangely comforting, and not in the sense that you think they will be.

Somebody will break your heart. As will someone else, but you’re going to love him for years beyond then.

Most of all, your alleged friends will break your heart.

That’s okay. The important ones will stick around. Unless, they die. Hang on to that thought for a while.

You should steer well clear of people called *insert name*. Seriously. Aside from one that you will meet in adulthood. Just. Leave. Them. Be.

You will learn, from young, that the world is far smaller than you realise.

J is going to be in your life forever. So will T. B will not be. Leanne will be in your heart more in your twenties than she is now. Believe it. You’re going to hate each other a lot, but that’s okay, because one day, you’re going to look at each other and be on the same playing field. The round girl with the awesome hair in the class under you is going to be your strongest supporter of all time. Her name is S.You will hurt her very much- this won’t change her quiet support of you. And one random friday, you’ll all be okay with it, and laugh about it. You and her will do a lot of dumb shit together, and will broadcast a television series to aliens from a rooftop. Believe it.

In fifteen years’ time, your best friends will be a vegan, a gay man and a guitarist. This will be normal for you, even though you have no idea what veganism is right now, think gays are people your parents and know and currently think guitars are things your brother plays in the air.

I promise you will receive love in your life. I cannot promise you that you will not be hurt. It will be venting that hurt that will uncover your greatest love, your greatest solace and your biggest fan.

One thing you will learn about love is that you give it better than you receive it.

Your parents are strange, admitted. Everyone will always feel at home in your home, except you. That’s okay. It’s got more to do with you than it does them. Your siblings love you, even though you all annoy each other. You will miss your house when it is gone. You are going to be regarded as a ‘strange’ parent. Don’t worry, you’ve had good grounding.

Your brother is going to know everything. He will save you from alot. More than I want to tell you now. You will love and hate your siblings a million times over and around again. It doesn’t change the fact that they’re your siblings, for you, or for them.

People you meet will change your life in an hour. The good ones will stick around for many, many more hours.

1996 is going to be hell and heaven. Twelve years later, you’ll be doing deja vu on every front. It’s going to rock, and it’s going to suck. Don’t panic, you’ll do what you did then. You’ve got good grounding.

You will love one person for the rest of your life. You already know them. But you will not love them the way they need to be loved, nor will they love you the way you need to be loved. One day, you will both be okay with this and have another person to show for it.

Yep. Reread that line. It’s true.

Your teacher sat before you knows more about you than you know. You will love and hate them all at once, and you will do a lot of dumb things, and fun things. You will bunk a lot of school. Yes, you will. Believe it, little Miss Goody Two Shoes right now.

Stop trying to draw between the lines. And live between them. You weren’t made for it, and very soon, you will realise it.

You are not as fat as you think you are. Trust me, you’re gonna be a lot fatter in time to come. And a lot thinner too.

She is also nowhere near as perfect as you think or she thinks she is. One day she will serve you in a restaurant and you will revel in the beauty of life’s karma.

You’re going to bunk a lot of school. You’re going to love it. You’re going to start sucking life in and spewing it out and you will truly slipstream.

It’s going to be FUCKING amazing, and it’s going to FUCKING suck.

You will try to stopitall at 16. You will have had enough. You will fail.

You will try to stopitall again at 17. You will have had enough again. You will be stopped.

You are going to learn so much, and D is going to be the first person to make you realise you’re a person, and not a useless wallflower.

He’s going to teach you that in a strange way, and then try and take it from you.

You will learn how to fight for yourself very soon.

You.Will.Win.

You will have no idea where he is or what became of him within a month.

Pay attention to the people around you, and not the ‘cool kids’. Trust me on this one.

You are going to blame every single person around you one day, for stuff.

One day, you’ll start blaming yourself.

On another day entirely, you will begin to accept alot of it.

On a completely strange and horrible day, after a million horrible things have happened, you’ll meet someone who finally, finally, makes you not feel so alone in the world.

I have no idea what happens then.

You will have a lot of dreams. Your career dream now will be the same throughout school. It will end abruptly when you realise that it’s not for you, and you choose to amalgamate alot of what is within you into making something a little different.

You will do well at school, which will surprise everyone considering your alleged ‘behaviour’.

You will be envied in strange ways. Noone will tell you this until much later.

You will envy alot of things, but later on learn that the grass ain’t greener on the other side.

You will give up trying to be like the cool kids, and realise you never really wanted to be anyway.

That’s going to ROCK.

But, seriously, ditch the fucking aliceband.

Love,

Future Me.