Tag: army of me

gratitude.

Honest to blog, blog, whenever I am to experience something hard, something uncomfortable, something that hurts, i know I always have an army behind me.

And yesterday, well, my army was there in full force and war paint. It’s there, everyday, you know, but on the days that I have to be a warrior princess, I know I can count on my army to march directly behind me.

(note to Sheena – I’ve just figured out the ants marching noise. hah).

Anyway, me and my army. Yes, my army. I am so thankful for them.

But, believe it or not, blog, my army isnt even commanded by me. it just is. And moreover, it answers to one much smaller and braver than I. Such a brave little girl with such big curls. The truth is, my Super Mommy Powers are entirely borne from the strength and courage of her.

Thank you, you all know, quite well, who you are. I know you were holding my hand and hers. Thank you.

A Letter to My 13-Year Old Self

Dear Cath

Please, take that aliceband off. Please. For the Love of All That is Good. Thank you.

Stop pining for the normal that you think you deserve. It is an illusion. You will learn this, don’t panic. But, that normal you see presented before you, really is an illusion. In fifteen years time, you will see that the most normal things are strangely comforting, and not in the sense that you think they will be.

Somebody will break your heart. As will someone else, but you’re going to love him for years beyond then.

Most of all, your alleged friends will break your heart.

That’s okay. The important ones will stick around. Unless, they die. Hang on to that thought for a while.

You should steer well clear of people called *insert name*. Seriously. Aside from one that you will meet in adulthood. Just. Leave. Them. Be.

You will learn, from young, that the world is far smaller than you realise.

J is going to be in your life forever. So will T. B will not be. Leanne will be in your heart more in your twenties than she is now. Believe it. You’re going to hate each other a lot, but that’s okay, because one day, you’re going to look at each other and be on the same playing field. The round girl with the awesome hair in the class under you is going to be your strongest supporter of all time. Her name is S.You will hurt her very much- this won’t change her quiet support of you. And one random friday, you’ll all be okay with it, and laugh about it. You and her will do a lot of dumb shit together, and will broadcast a television series to aliens from a rooftop. Believe it.

In fifteen years’ time, your best friends will be a vegan, a gay man and a guitarist. This will be normal for you, even though you have no idea what veganism is right now, think gays are people your parents and know and currently think guitars are things your brother plays in the air.

I promise you will receive love in your life. I cannot promise you that you will not be hurt. It will be venting that hurt that will uncover your greatest love, your greatest solace and your biggest fan.

One thing you will learn about love is that you give it better than you receive it.

Your parents are strange, admitted. Everyone will always feel at home in your home, except you. That’s okay. It’s got more to do with you than it does them. Your siblings love you, even though you all annoy each other. You will miss your house when it is gone. You are going to be regarded as a ‘strange’ parent. Don’t worry, you’ve had good grounding.

Your brother is going to know everything. He will save you from alot. More than I want to tell you now. You will love and hate your siblings a million times over and around again. It doesn’t change the fact that they’re your siblings, for you, or for them.

People you meet will change your life in an hour. The good ones will stick around for many, many more hours.

1996 is going to be hell and heaven. Twelve years later, you’ll be doing deja vu on every front. It’s going to rock, and it’s going to suck. Don’t panic, you’ll do what you did then. You’ve got good grounding.

You will love one person for the rest of your life. You already know them. But you will not love them the way they need to be loved, nor will they love you the way you need to be loved. One day, you will both be okay with this and have another person to show for it.

Yep. Reread that line. It’s true.

Your teacher sat before you knows more about you than you know. You will love and hate them all at once, and you will do a lot of dumb things, and fun things. You will bunk a lot of school. Yes, you will. Believe it, little Miss Goody Two Shoes right now.

Stop trying to draw between the lines. And live between them. You weren’t made for it, and very soon, you will realise it.

You are not as fat as you think you are. Trust me, you’re gonna be a lot fatter in time to come. And a lot thinner too.

She is also nowhere near as perfect as you think or she thinks she is. One day she will serve you in a restaurant and you will revel in the beauty of life’s karma.

You’re going to bunk a lot of school. You’re going to love it. You’re going to start sucking life in and spewing it out and you will truly slipstream.

It’s going to be FUCKING amazing, and it’s going to FUCKING suck.

You will try to stopitall at 16. You will have had enough. You will fail.

You will try to stopitall again at 17. You will have had enough again. You will be stopped.

You are going to learn so much, and D is going to be the first person to make you realise you’re a person, and not a useless wallflower.

He’s going to teach you that in a strange way, and then try and take it from you.

You will learn how to fight for yourself very soon.

You.Will.Win.

You will have no idea where he is or what became of him within a month.

Pay attention to the people around you, and not the ‘cool kids’. Trust me on this one.

You are going to blame every single person around you one day, for stuff.

One day, you’ll start blaming yourself.

On another day entirely, you will begin to accept alot of it.

On a completely strange and horrible day, after a million horrible things have happened, you’ll meet someone who finally, finally, makes you not feel so alone in the world.

I have no idea what happens then.

You will have a lot of dreams. Your career dream now will be the same throughout school. It will end abruptly when you realise that it’s not for you, and you choose to amalgamate alot of what is within you into making something a little different.

You will do well at school, which will surprise everyone considering your alleged ‘behaviour’.

You will be envied in strange ways. Noone will tell you this until much later.

You will envy alot of things, but later on learn that the grass ain’t greener on the other side.

You will give up trying to be like the cool kids, and realise you never really wanted to be anyway.

That’s going to ROCK.

But, seriously, ditch the fucking aliceband.

Love,

Future Me.

Army of Me

In alphabetical order, with current location.

(idea stolen from Sheena).

Alison – sister in law. Mom to my nieces, NBJ and KJJ. Now at home.

Allan – the first person brave enough to live with me. Now in New Zealand. (can you blame him? hah)

Angela – Wife of Scott. Also, especially good in understanding silences. Now at home.

Bee – Belinda N. Mutual admiration society of note. We have similar tastes in fuckwittage, and awfully similar lives. Now in Cape Town.

Beeeanca. Particularly good car boot partner in crime. Now at home.

C@th – read to understand. I can’t offer you anything more than my incoherence. Now at home.

C@m – daughter and resident Pikachu. The sole reason I breathe. Now playing.

Craig – Husband of K8. Particularly awesome, and makes best breakfasts of all time. Now in Australia.

Cwaig – aka Craig. La’s husband. Excellent in emergencies. Gives the best squeezage on the planet. Also known as the Bear. Now in the UK and now just down the road at home, in a stalked flat, playing ps3.

Dadadadad – my dutch uncle Dad. Prone to thinking too much and asking ‘is the kettle broken?’. It’s genetic. Miss him. Now in Heaven playing chess and giving them all sorts of hell.

Daine – second brother in the Galaxian family troop. two months apart in age, to the day. spent most of our lives thus far picking on each other. an excellent adversary, and moreover, a good friend. Now at home.

DaveBhora – Dave, from BHoRA. I call him David. Someone else calls him Buddy. He’s good with red italics. Now at home and watching something or jamming guit, whilst planning his wedding.

Dazza – Darryl. Forum mate. Awesome friend. Now at home.

Donna – Girlf of Forum mate Dazza. Supremely there for me. Now at home.

E – You know them, but I ain’t ever pointing them out. Now I have no idea where she is.

Galaxian – aka Matthew. Boy next door, Babydaddy, lifelong partner in crime. From foetus to frolic to forever. Does best phone ever. Now at home.

Garry – aka Will. The Will of my Will and Grace. Not allowed to ever leave the country. Now down the road.

Hazel – aka Miss Booth. Varsity mate. Huge admiration for her. I have a tendency to kick her ass, and she has a tendency to kick mine. Now at home, soon to be sailing.

J&R – first serious employers. My other parents. Now just around the corner.

J.M. – dear friend, taken too soon. Not good with bullshit, generally could not stand it. Now in heaven (I hope), and laughing his ass off at me.

Jewel – aka Julia. Awesome. “I don’t consider you people, I consider you my person”. Now just down the road from me.

Jo – high school bestie. Utterly wonderful. Prone to good ventage. Not one to piss off. I would hate to meet her in a dark alley. Now in the UK.

K8 – Bestie. Has ability to understand and accept the incoherence. Now in Australia.

Karen – preschool Bestie who found me by facebook. I wished you’d been there every day of my life. Now in Nelspruit.

KB – youngest brother of Galaxian. Cancerian compadre. Horribly intelligent. Prone to writing me the most awesome notes. Most of the time I think we grew up together and not eight years apart. Now at home.

Kevin – I just appeared on his MSN one day, and we thank one person for that. We’re so happy about it. Boats be damned. Now at home, and at work. And almost always online.

Kirsty – my protégé. Now outstripping me in every way. So proud of. Sister to Scott. Now living, loving and working near me.

La – aka 99%er. Bestie. My very own twin. I feel like you have lived my life with you, and yet you weren’t even in it. Now in the UK and now back home again, madly looking for the superjob.

Lev – mad hair. Mad person. His honesty keeps me going some days. Mad is good. Now in JHB.

L-L – Lara-Lee. Varsity mate. Huge admiration for her. Daily. Now at home.

Megsie – Bestie. Good in toilet stalls. Now at home or at the theatre.

Michael – Adopted younger brother. Loved to death. Now at home.

Mr K – aka Ruedi. Good times, good times. “Oh my god, you’re in the same room and not killing each other!” Prone to saying, and being, ‘oh, here comes trouble’. Now at home.

N1g – aka Brett. Fellow g33kaz01d. Now in front of PC with no pants on.

NicB – grew up together. Good with listening. Pulls tongue at me often. Now in the UK.

Nik – aka Nikola. Bestie. My very own voice of reason and support. Now in the UK.

Oliver – third brother in the Galaxian troop. Cameron’s favourite uncle. Also horribly intelligent. Now at home, with headphones on.

Onyxgurl – aka Candice. Someone I wish I was more like. Once thought I spotted her on the night the shit came down. Just knowing she was alive kept me okay that night. Now in JHB.

Richard – Brother. Fiercely loyal. Dad to NBJ and the coming-soon KJJ. Now at home.

Rossgrant – aka Ross. also known as Rossfrommea. Prone to depantsing when excited. Hugely admired. Loves my carpet. Now at home, g33king out.

Rox – Bestie. Unafraid of facing hell with me. Now living around the corner from me and now actually in the UK.

S – aka Steve. The person directly responsible for a lot of the exciting parts of my life, even when he’s not around. a regular 2-ammer. Now in JHB.

Sam – sister. Full of life. Not scared of much. Now in the UK.

Scott – grew up across the road from each other. I am not directly responsible for anything that ever happened at his house. Haha. Especially good in understanding silences. Now living and working near me.

Seh – high school bestie. Utterly wonderful. Good for staying out all night with, or staying in all day with. Now at home, with Calla.

Shakti – aka Miss Power. Changed my life. Reminded me not to lose myself or drop the ball on the dream. Somehow she learnt the same thing. Now at home

SheBee – my other twin. Inspirational. Unafraid. Also prone to excitable typing moments. Now in JHB.

Silenthero – aka Nick. Ultimate challenger. Fights with me a lot. And it is that, that is good. Now in the UK.

Stu – faraway brother. Only he’d get that. Crazy. Now in the UK.

SuperAnen – aka Anne. Bestie. My very own life icon. Now at home and loving the kitties.

SuperM – aka Matt. We don’t do definitions. Mutual admiration society of large. Now wherever he wants to be. Does good hairstroke. Am keeping him. And he’s keeping me.

Tabitha – animal familiar kitty. Left us on Christmas Eve 2007. Now in Heaven sitting on my dad’s lap.

Tam – ex flatmate. Immortal. No really, trust me, the surname carries the immortality. Excellent with pie. Not great about toilet paper. Now in the UK.

Tash – Girlf of Yash. Good for leaning on. Now in Cape Town.

Tertia – SuperMom. The person who got me going on blogging, properly. Now in Cape Town.

The UM – My mom. Has my back every day. Now at home with the kitties.

Waz – Boyf of Will. Creator of the Jolly Jenkin. To be awarded Nobel prize for this. A good depantser. Now living just down the road.

Yash – Ultimate chef and Viagra salesperson (jokes). Now in Copenhagen and getting married!