Tag: anne

26 letters of demographic data

.26 letters of demographic data.
.for the end of 27 years.
.for the beginning of 28 years.

(thanks to franklywrankles for the original idea that spawned this)

As I said to Will this morning whilst commiserating with him via text message about some of the strange places out there in the BWW (Big Wide World), the day of the great life think month has begun. It does not scare me as much as it has in previous years.

The sun rose this morning, making it’s little rainbow island of cloud along the horizon. Orange and blue and black inbetween. A little yellow spreading out towards the buildings.

And, there I was, smiling. Listening to someone notsosmallanymore talk about how she IS wearing her gumboots to school and “no, i am not wearing that shirt today mommy, it’s the same as emma’s and I can’t wear the same shirt as her! She’s my friend and I love her but no, that would suck a bit”.

I sat there, smiling at the sunshine, smiling at this person who, three years before, was still within my belly, making me ginormous and watermelon-like. And trust me, people, I have photos you will never see, I was massive. If you think I walk funny now…

Anyway, I digress. I was listening to Cameron and pondering the usual “Holy crap. Three years and now you’re telling me what you think your wardrobe should consist of!” thoughtbrain. And there it was, unaccountably and unexpectedly, the great prebirthday month-think had begun. The part where I send Will this message: “I think it’s time for me to evaluate the year”.

I will, definitely, be wearing the tiara this year. 🙂

It’s funny, really. If you had told me, on this day, one year ago, that I would be any of the 26 things below, I would never have believed you….

a. Living with Shebee. Seriously. Dudes. This rocks my world.

b. Loving Mommyhood every day more and more and more and more until I could actually burst.

c. Relatively healthy and continuing. (actually, on that score, ALOT healthier, lest we forget the HOLY SHIT ITS A KIDNEY INFECTION AND BJORK COPIES ME incident of last year)

d. More open to sharing the MommyMe with the world (I never thought that would happen, to be honest. I even remember saying to Buddy once, “SocialCath and MommyCath just don’t mix”. It turns out, I was wrong. They’re really the same person now). I’m not afraid of letting people join in the craziness of domestic life with Cath anymore. Chocolate and Donkeys inclusive.

e. Missing Larcy as much as I do. I would never have been able to tell from that crazy Everton/Man United game, that, from that, would spring so much resonation.

f. Entirely free of certain previously influential forces that come in the shape of people.

g. That I’d be dancing in the rain with the most beautiful man in the whole world.

h. More powerful, and willing to use it for myself. And I say that without ego. It used to take me a year to get over a seemingly personal affront. The time it takes me to get past something grows shorter. I’m realising what should be significant and what should be ignored.

i. Not feeling guilty for calling a Time Out when I need CathTime.

j. An aunty again. I am so blessed with love from the little girls in our family. Aunty Caff, indeed.

k. Still living where I live and loving it. With its idiosyncracies and crazy people (not just the ones that live within the walls).

l. Wiser. I thought I’d learnt enough. Turned out, life had a few lessons it had for me still. And that, not only, would I be saddened by them, but, in retrospect, am so glad they happened. Even if it did leave me lying on the lounge floor again.

m. Learning more and more about resilience from my child. The wisdom of a nearly three-year old is unparallelled, people. Seriously, let’s put the pre-schoolers in government. We’d do a lot better, I think.

n. Finally realising that I have been “missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete”. Finally realising the rapture of every day. Every second. Every “little smile” and every rainbow sunshine.

o. Somehow, finally, getting beyond the cloud of self-doubt that has pervaded me for so long. So so so long. I’m not saying that I am without self-doubt, I believe it can drive me sometimes to do better, climb higher and be more. But, I am saying, that it’s not reigning me as much as it once did.

p. That my best friends may not be on the telephone every day. But that they do exist. This not having to be seen; to see; to be; all the time routine, is really very liberating.

q. That I wouldn’t be on Facebook. That’s a big one for me.

r. Sumup of the above two points – the learning to live my life without having to exhibit it all the time. Holy God, is that maturity on some level? I just find honest, direct communication much more meaningful nowadays. Holy God, that is some semblance of maturity.

s. I didn’t think that would happen.

t. Even more so, I didn’t think that it would happen and, not only would I be happy about it, but exhilarated and liberated by it.

u. Less afraid of being open. Truly open. And finding it, also, liberating and exciting.

v. Having Gladys. I was so sure I was doomed to a life of going to work in unironed pants. I never knew the richness she would bring to my life, that goes well beyond my ironed pants.

w. Able to feel strong and not feel the need to shut people out to do so. Does that make sense? It does to me. To be able to feel strong in a room of people is new to me. To be able to feel strong not in a room of people is also new to me. Does that make any sense at all? Do I care? No.

x. Learning and realising and living the theory that the little steps really are the big ones. I always kept my eye on the big steps and felt unaccountably unable to take them. So I wouldn’t take any. I realise now how silly I was in some instances.

y. Realising that everyone can teach you something. Yes, even the people ignoring you.

z. That, truly, the people in my life are the ones who want to be here. That being vulnerable with them is okay. That they’re okay with me being vulnerable, and that they know I’m okay with them being vulnerable.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 more thankful than ever.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 with a fuller heart.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 without bitterness.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 with less telephone numbers stored on my phone.

If you had told me a year ago that my life would be simpler and funnier.

If you had told me a year ago that this year would be 1996 again.

If you had told me a year ago that I would be dancing more every day than I ever have.

If you had told me a year ago that I would walk away from 27 holding the hand of someone I had not yet met, and that they would be the most supremely beautiful man in the world…..

I would never have believed you.

But, trust me, I believe you.

a sickbag for larcy

Dear Larcy

I’d like to tell you about my weekend. It was divine-divine to hear your voice on Friday –
I worry for our sanities at this time. But, we will survive and thrive. It is the way.

Thank you for keeping my investments safe. Keep them, we may still need them.

I’m okay though. I am strong, I am willed, I am true. Nothing else matters, does it? I
won’t speak of that again.

I had the best sleep of all time on Friday night. The best sleep. Our favourite pap puts up
with a hell of a lot from me. Including getting up and making me tea at 2am. When did i get
so lucky? How? I won’t question again. I’ll say this – I danced at breakfast and not even
seeing my high school nemesis annoyed me.

I am happy, and joyful. And smiling. Does anything else really matter?

Saturday we went to the beach. I lay in the sun in my garish bikini and thought of you. How
on the day of your wedding, Craig and the boys went to the beach. Hehe4. How on the day of
your wedding, I was not there. I am sorry – I should have licked your face more frequently?

How strange. I know you wouldn’t have made me wear ugly shoes. Hehe4.

Went to the AAAA benefit on Saturday night. You were right – to quote you “oh anne is going
to luuuuuuurve him”. And she did, and she does. She is well, and beautiful, and strong and
direct. I am so proud of her. Her belief in the things she does astounds me. Her faith in
herself and those she loves inspires me. You would have loved Saturday. Yes, I saw many
people, everyone commented on how good I looked and I thought “did i really look that crap
before?” Hehe4. I danced a little, laughed a lot, saw ross (he leaves for the uk on monday,
by the way. be sure to do the necessary should you swoon on by). Oh, as we arrived, a tank
and her partner were just leaving. Potholes were left in the road by their hairy feet. I am
a bitch, aren’t I? Now THERE’S a wedding I’m glad I won’t be “corseting” to. Will was with
us, and in the smoking room, I thought of you again. It doesn’t seem that long ago that we
were sat there, gossiping and talking with Rox and Dave. Funny part is, this time I’m truly
smiling. I’m not afraid anymore. I saw Minty and Arc. They look swell.

You know how I always run off on little missions to find people? It’s funny. I don’t need
to do that any more. I don’t have that drive or gut feeling or desire. I’m exactly where
I want to be with him beside me. Does that make sense? I’m still revelling, every minute,
knowing that he is there. I am in a constant fuckwow moment. And I would have thought,
knowing me, that it would have ended by now. It has most definitely not. In fact, quite the
opposite. It becomes more fuckwow daily. I am quietened by the bliss that was summoned
through a purge. Only you, Larcy, will understand the true meaning of that line. It’s not
what you think, folks.

Over breakfast this morning, I was quietly chomping on my toastie and thinking to myself
“this is another one of those music videos i wish i could send you”. It was then that I
knew there’d be a sickbag today. Waha. Actually, in context of today, a sickbag is quite
fitting. Haha. Matt will laugh at the irony of this.

I am home now. Showered, clean, waiting for Cam to come home from her Daddyo’s. I’m smiling
and baffing. All is well with me. How are you?

I’ll end here, before I go round and round in circles. The only thing missing from today is
you stealing my tea. Hehe4.

Love,
Cath

twelve thoughts of mine for today

1. my first thought has been centred on sunrises and how lucky i am to have to you wake up this morning and show me your “little smile”.

2. my second thought has been about you. how thankfuckle (that’s my word i have for today) i am that we share an abode. now just have to work on the ‘get an early night’ phenomenon. thank you for my letter on the 12th phenomenon. thank you for listening yesterday. for being open to my life as I am to yours.

3. my third thought has been about you. cows. smiling. you are divine, supreme and utterly gorgeous. a true fuckwow moment. still. thank you for everything you are and everything you are not.

4. that i wish larcy was here so that i could just make her and i a cup of tea and she could steal mine.

5. anen. i got your back, front and middle. the friends can connect in a mysterious way without even speaking. perhaps they have amazing magical powers. perhaps they are both just peculiar in the head – edward monkton.

6. wanting you to end your sms rant. it has nothing to do with me. insults don’t fly. i don’t respond to misdirected anger, or any anger for that fact. it gets ignored. peace.

7. i am strong, i am willed. i am focussed. i am direct. i am point, shoot and keep moving forward. i do not dawdle towards getting my day’s honest work done. i do it, i get on with it, and i smile knowing i did a good thing or two today. i am not alone. i saw a postsecret on sunday that had me in tears with it’s resonation. i just stared at it, touched the monitor and thought “i’ve so been there”.

8. i adore that you embrace the guirk. (quirk + girl + work + dork = guirk). thank you for my tea.

9. freaky cloud iridescence but, you know, we should be paying attention to nature more. you know this already. the toads were speaking with their hops.

10. you are in my thoughts and chocolates. i know this is hard for you. i believe in you and this move. you’re doing the right thing.

11. this is cool.

12. thank you for the 12 rand man yesterday.

A Letter to My 13-Year Old Self

Dear Cath

Please, take that aliceband off. Please. For the Love of All That is Good. Thank you.

Stop pining for the normal that you think you deserve. It is an illusion. You will learn this, don’t panic. But, that normal you see presented before you, really is an illusion. In fifteen years time, you will see that the most normal things are strangely comforting, and not in the sense that you think they will be.

Somebody will break your heart. As will someone else, but you’re going to love him for years beyond then.

Most of all, your alleged friends will break your heart.

That’s okay. The important ones will stick around. Unless, they die. Hang on to that thought for a while.

You should steer well clear of people called *insert name*. Seriously. Aside from one that you will meet in adulthood. Just. Leave. Them. Be.

You will learn, from young, that the world is far smaller than you realise.

J is going to be in your life forever. So will T. B will not be. Leanne will be in your heart more in your twenties than she is now. Believe it. You’re going to hate each other a lot, but that’s okay, because one day, you’re going to look at each other and be on the same playing field. The round girl with the awesome hair in the class under you is going to be your strongest supporter of all time. Her name is S.You will hurt her very much- this won’t change her quiet support of you. And one random friday, you’ll all be okay with it, and laugh about it. You and her will do a lot of dumb shit together, and will broadcast a television series to aliens from a rooftop. Believe it.

In fifteen years’ time, your best friends will be a vegan, a gay man and a guitarist. This will be normal for you, even though you have no idea what veganism is right now, think gays are people your parents and know and currently think guitars are things your brother plays in the air.

I promise you will receive love in your life. I cannot promise you that you will not be hurt. It will be venting that hurt that will uncover your greatest love, your greatest solace and your biggest fan.

One thing you will learn about love is that you give it better than you receive it.

Your parents are strange, admitted. Everyone will always feel at home in your home, except you. That’s okay. It’s got more to do with you than it does them. Your siblings love you, even though you all annoy each other. You will miss your house when it is gone. You are going to be regarded as a ‘strange’ parent. Don’t worry, you’ve had good grounding.

Your brother is going to know everything. He will save you from alot. More than I want to tell you now. You will love and hate your siblings a million times over and around again. It doesn’t change the fact that they’re your siblings, for you, or for them.

People you meet will change your life in an hour. The good ones will stick around for many, many more hours.

1996 is going to be hell and heaven. Twelve years later, you’ll be doing deja vu on every front. It’s going to rock, and it’s going to suck. Don’t panic, you’ll do what you did then. You’ve got good grounding.

You will love one person for the rest of your life. You already know them. But you will not love them the way they need to be loved, nor will they love you the way you need to be loved. One day, you will both be okay with this and have another person to show for it.

Yep. Reread that line. It’s true.

Your teacher sat before you knows more about you than you know. You will love and hate them all at once, and you will do a lot of dumb things, and fun things. You will bunk a lot of school. Yes, you will. Believe it, little Miss Goody Two Shoes right now.

Stop trying to draw between the lines. And live between them. You weren’t made for it, and very soon, you will realise it.

You are not as fat as you think you are. Trust me, you’re gonna be a lot fatter in time to come. And a lot thinner too.

She is also nowhere near as perfect as you think or she thinks she is. One day she will serve you in a restaurant and you will revel in the beauty of life’s karma.

You’re going to bunk a lot of school. You’re going to love it. You’re going to start sucking life in and spewing it out and you will truly slipstream.

It’s going to be FUCKING amazing, and it’s going to FUCKING suck.

You will try to stopitall at 16. You will have had enough. You will fail.

You will try to stopitall again at 17. You will have had enough again. You will be stopped.

You are going to learn so much, and D is going to be the first person to make you realise you’re a person, and not a useless wallflower.

He’s going to teach you that in a strange way, and then try and take it from you.

You will learn how to fight for yourself very soon.

You.Will.Win.

You will have no idea where he is or what became of him within a month.

Pay attention to the people around you, and not the ‘cool kids’. Trust me on this one.

You are going to blame every single person around you one day, for stuff.

One day, you’ll start blaming yourself.

On another day entirely, you will begin to accept alot of it.

On a completely strange and horrible day, after a million horrible things have happened, you’ll meet someone who finally, finally, makes you not feel so alone in the world.

I have no idea what happens then.

You will have a lot of dreams. Your career dream now will be the same throughout school. It will end abruptly when you realise that it’s not for you, and you choose to amalgamate alot of what is within you into making something a little different.

You will do well at school, which will surprise everyone considering your alleged ‘behaviour’.

You will be envied in strange ways. Noone will tell you this until much later.

You will envy alot of things, but later on learn that the grass ain’t greener on the other side.

You will give up trying to be like the cool kids, and realise you never really wanted to be anyway.

That’s going to ROCK.

But, seriously, ditch the fucking aliceband.

Love,

Future Me.

slipstreaming

fontwork intentional

For the last two weeks, i will admit, i was unsettled. Feeling so very wobbly, as you well know. I think I hid it well with brightness and distraction. Well, better than i have before. Trust me. Better than I have before.

Is that part of growing up? who knows. My Peter Pan complex is not ALL that ready to fly away. And I am not that ready to let it go. Just yet.

Today and yesterday, have been approximately 528187189876161133786 times better.

I realise it won’t always be this way. There have been a wide variety of contributing factors to the ebb and the flow.

But, the overriding factor has always been simple – people.

Learning to be unaffected is my biggest lesson right now. Some of you are helping me to learn it. Just about anything used to crumble me fast and hard – “One forgotten birthday I’m all but cooked. How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily”.

But that’s still not my point here.

My point here is pretty simple. I am astounded, daily, by the true hearts that live within the people around me. From Larcy and Cwaig’s random clothing of homeless people in an effort to keep them warm and promote SA music (yes. really), to Gladys’ ‘prayers for Cath because she deserves to have everything she ever needs’ to the ‘nicky sms madness’ to the just damn well being nice to me. It always shocks me a little when people are. I am still awed by every time someone does something just nice for me.

I always think of Garry’s ‘plate of food and you will eat it because you would do the same’ the night before I left for a worktrip and was basically, circumstantially, without any clue of where i was going, who i was, and how i was going to do anything, and what I did or did not have. It is always when I am most scared, that someone within the kinky circle stands up, appears. Anne’s “i’m just going to the store to pick up some things and then I’ll come see you” trip. And when she arrived, she just filled my cupboards and said not a word. I have a kabillion examples. From the little to the bigger to the biggest. To the “smile’ flowers. to the flowers sent by persons then unknown to me and since christened (see above), as the “bhora flowers”. These things have just happened again, and again, for me. I am eternally blessed. And I am not sure how I got so.

My point being. Is that I hope I do enough back.