keep smiling
keep dancing
keep the sun on your back
and the horizon in your sight
never look back
and don’t look down
(you always hated heights anyway).
keep walking
keep thinking.
keep talking.
carry on clicking your heels and absolutely never apologise for being brave.
and remember, keep writing.
0 – born. you looked like a frog and kind of like your maternal grandmother in a bad mood.
1 – walking. according to reports, a real personality. keen on playing at early hours of morning. already found your niche and primeval swamp
2 – talking. alot. “you know why catherine is so heavy? because she is full of words!”
3 – preschool. you met karen, vaughn and a litany of people who would smack back into your life 25 years later with aplomb and full of memories.
4 – biting your nails already by this age. stubborn.
5 – began school. at this stage you looked remarkably alot like your daughter does now. on the first day of school, you left your mom at the classroom door and said “i can do it by myself”
6 – your best friends are karen, taryn and daine. at karen’s birthday party, there was the ‘interesting’ pool incident.
7 – you move to a small town with your family and start to hate and love life at the same time. you hate the small town. you love having a swimming pool, although you never get into it properly. this is the year you learn another language.
8 – you move back to the primeval swamp. you are so happy to be home.
9 – you’re at a new school. you meet some of the people who will be around forever. your clearest memory of this year is of the person who will one day become your child’s father standing in class queue, and losing your ring. and of charlene fainting. your best friend is tracy and she’s crazy then, and she’s crazy now.
10 – you begin to rebel and cut up your swimming costume in a fit of I DO NOT WANT TO BE THROWN INTO THE POOL AGAIN DURING SWIMMING LESSONS AT SCHOOL THANK YOU. I WILL LEARN IN MY OWN TIME. You hate a lot that year. You have an awesome teacher though. The cat pees on your homework. Someone you will meet again many years later, will remember this.
11 – you are sat next to your lifelong friend in class. stuff you don’t like starts to come out of the woodwork. You have a good teacher, a lovely heart and a new kitty familiar to get you through. You hate cold places. You teach yourself to swim.
12 – you’re elected prefect. Bart Simpson is king of the world and you have a hoodie to prove it. You have no idea why you’re elected prefect but, you meet someone extremely special and strong this year. She will be a guide and inspiration to you for many days, even on her wedding day. Your best friend is Charlene, and you start noticing boys, boobs and the word “bollocks”.
13 – you begin the dreaded high school. Your best friend is Jo. You do fight alot. You kiss a boy for the first time. Many years later, he is working with your best friend.
14 – you bring home your first ‘boyfriend’. You dump him before he realises how crap you are and dumps you, Jo walks home with you. You really think you are crap. You ditch the alice band. You get dumped on New Years Eve.
15 – you lose your virginity. You hate that statement. You meet Steve. Again. Waha. You start going out and loving the crazy life. You meet Sarah. You do crazy, silly things and enjoy “talking to aliens”. Steve breaks up with you but you’re never far from each other’s side. You meet Kate one night in a freezing cold swimming pool. You start to write.
16 – you’re loving life. You have awesome friends, you have an infatuation we can safely call bruce. (hindsight is so 20/20…), you begin to spend a lot of time with Jose. and Michael. and Matthew. You start to realise that people are different and don’t always respond well when thrown into a room together. One night during a horror movie, Steve catches you beginning to create the future. He is not shocked. You are a little. You try on a million personalities. You keep a few. You write and write and write.
17 – you feel a little lost but, certain to continue trying. You meet the person who’s name is on his shirt. You lose interest way earlier than anyone else notices. You go to your matric dance, you hate every second. you realise very quickly that you’re there with the wrong person so, you and your partner in crime, Janet, smoke and laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone. Your sister leaves for the UK. You finish school and do well. You have no idea how. Jose dies. You miss your friend from that day on.
18 – you start varsity. deciding that path in life was one of the most exciting times of your life. it was that experience that taught you about your dad and how much he gives a shit. After ignoring him, actively, for many years, you start to rely on him more and more. You meet Graeme. You have a sweet relationship, a true college romance. You meet Garry and Stu. You do well at uni, and finish off first year quite drunk and somewhere in a swimming pool.
19 – You begin second year, a little more sure about life. You start to realise more and more about yourself, what you hate and what you want to keep. You spend more and more time with the people some people deem as ‘inferior’ or ‘rebellious’. You don’t care. You get a part-time job at the video store. You ditch Graeme, you remain close though. You do well, and by the time you finish that year, you’ve decided on a few things. You re-meet a nice boy and spend some time learning about how life truly isn’t about how much you can gain, but about how people matter way more. You finish your degree and celebrate by stamping your dad’s toe by accident and smoking a cigar.
20 – you spend a lot of time at home with your dad. In hindsight, you love this time. You study, you work (the video store years!), you spend a lot of time having fun, you realise you’re in love with someone who’s loved you since his 7th birthday. The words “once upon a rooftop sat…” resonate alot around your life. Garry and Steve move to Ireland and thus begins the ‘spleenvent’ email series. You get your first ‘real’ job and meet J&R, who become your other parents. You get chickenpox.
21 – You get your first ‘real’ job and meet J&R, who become your other parents. You get chickenpox. You ravish up unemployment with writing. You love sitting in your window writing. You muse and live and love. You get your second ‘real’ job. You get your heart broken. You meet Allan.
22 – You move out of home into the second 6 of your addresses. You love living with Allan. You love the wooden floors, you love the craziness. You attempt to cook chicken and instantly go vegetarian. You love the constant music, the mad neighbours (yes, thats you Neville!) You collapse and are medicated for depression. Your dad celebrates with you with chelsea buns. You quit your job. J&R find you a new one with them. Allan leaves. You move home and hate it. You’re obnoxious and unpleasant. And unsure of yourself. So so so unsure of yourself. You keep writing.
23 – you find a new home, the third six in your domestic addresses. You live with Tam. Life is good, crazy and excellent. You and her get lost a lot. You love life. You’re single. You’re not. You’re single. You’re not. Whatever. it doesn’t matter. Life’s great. You meet Mr K. Life is a great party. You meet Micky and Gabi and a lunacy of wonderful people. Some of them, in later years, turn out to not be wonderful. You lick a girl called Lauren’s face. You laugh. You have no idea how that’ll save your life one day. One night at the Winston, a beautiful blond girl says to you “Nice rack. We’re going to be the best of friends forever”. She is right. Garry comes home to visit and you invent the cigarette game. He decides to come home to the madness.
24 – you love life. You decide you want to be with the person you feel closest to. It’s strange and comfort and warm. You move homes and live with Garry and Galaxian. The GaMaCa R***job House, the first 12 in your domestic address history. You keep writing. You have wonderful people, you still worry about whether or not you’re doing the right thing. You begin to learn about your anger. Your dad has a stroke. You worry.you go to splashy and hate it. your brother gets married to the girl he loves above all. You write alot.
25 – You have Vic in your life, cash crusaders ‘n’ all. On Christmas Eve, your sister says “i’ll bet you anything you’re pregnant” whilst she’s got you in a change room in a shopping mall, trying on the world’s ugliest pink skirt as an alleged “bridesmaid posssibile outfit”. You go home, you pee on a stick. Your sister “gets the camera”. You phone Garry. Your parents are over the moon. Your brother comes home for the first time in ages. Galaxian does not speak for two weeks. You freak out alot. You stop writing for a long time. Your sister gets married. By the time your parents get home from the wedding, your father is dying.
You spend a lot of time with him when you are pregnant. You can’t write. You have no idea what to do. You keep believing. Somehow. You move back to your third domestic address.
You give birth in an insanely fast way. You meet your daughter. You fall in love. Mother lion love. You want to protect at all costs. This never changes.
Your father dies two days after you fail to recognise him and three weeks after his first grandchild is born. You cannot write. You cannot cry. You just stare. You get left alone alot. It is not anyone’s fault.
26 – you are medicated for depression. You go numb. You start to write again. You write your way right back into life. You do it for you, You do it for her. You do it for her, again and again and again. Your child is electrocuted one day at school. She gets pneumonia. Your mother lion love grows and grows. You force dangerous things out and lose the person you love the most because you have to, to survive. you live alone, you try at love again and fail. You don’t know why. You try everything, your Mother lion love keeping you warm at night. You live alone with your little child. You worry. You never sleep. Your Mother lion love keeps you going. Your friends love you the way you need. You are okay. Your niece is born.
27 – you end up in hospital. garry saves your life YET again. you spend five days pondering the meaning of life, solidly, and without interruption. you meet someone. you battle. you finally let go. it’s so sad he cannot stay. your heart is broken so that it can finally work properly – without expectation. you write and write and you cannot stop at all. you are sad, and alone, but okay. you keep writing. lauren arrives at your house with yellow flowers. Your Mother Lion Love and your Friends keep you going. You miss your dad. The sixes and twelves surround you every day. You write like never before.
28 – you meet the first person to ever truly stop you on your best friend’s birthday. you doubt and doubt and doubt yourself, you spend a lot of time wondering. you smile alot. you’re still astounded by them even though you don’t tell them. you try to do something that is the safe option in life. You are so wrong. You are broken again. You learn about getting up. Your second niece is born. Your Mother Lion Love grows. Every single one of your high school friends has children. You keep writing. You live with someone so much like you it’s the comfort you wanted at home all along.
You are brave. You step straight into love. You don’t run anymore. You shout COWS alot. You are so happy. You are unashamedly silly and it’s the warmest room in your house of life.
Your courage is rewarded. You have a crazy life. Busy. Vibrant. Full of love.
You are so blessed.
Happy Birthday.
p.s. SOTD – Incomplete – a line from it: I have been running so sweaty my whole life, Urgent for a finish line,
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete
Dear Cath
Please, take that aliceband off. Please. For the Love of All That is Good. Thank you.
Stop pining for the normal that you think you deserve. It is an illusion. You will learn this, don’t panic. But, that normal you see presented before you, really is an illusion. In fifteen years time, you will see that the most normal things are strangely comforting, and not in the sense that you think they will be.
Somebody will break your heart. As will someone else, but you’re going to love him for years beyond then.
Most of all, your alleged friends will break your heart.
That’s okay. The important ones will stick around. Unless, they die. Hang on to that thought for a while.
You should steer well clear of people called *insert name*. Seriously. Aside from one that you will meet in adulthood. Just. Leave. Them. Be.
You will learn, from young, that the world is far smaller than you realise.
J is going to be in your life forever. So will T. B will not be. Leanne will be in your heart more in your twenties than she is now. Believe it. You’re going to hate each other a lot, but that’s okay, because one day, you’re going to look at each other and be on the same playing field. The round girl with the awesome hair in the class under you is going to be your strongest supporter of all time. Her name is S.You will hurt her very much- this won’t change her quiet support of you. And one random friday, you’ll all be okay with it, and laugh about it. You and her will do a lot of dumb shit together, and will broadcast a television series to aliens from a rooftop. Believe it.
In fifteen years’ time, your best friends will be a vegan, a gay man and a guitarist. This will be normal for you, even though you have no idea what veganism is right now, think gays are people your parents and know and currently think guitars are things your brother plays in the air.
I promise you will receive love in your life. I cannot promise you that you will not be hurt. It will be venting that hurt that will uncover your greatest love, your greatest solace and your biggest fan.
One thing you will learn about love is that you give it better than you receive it.
Your parents are strange, admitted. Everyone will always feel at home in your home, except you. That’s okay. It’s got more to do with you than it does them. Your siblings love you, even though you all annoy each other. You will miss your house when it is gone. You are going to be regarded as a ‘strange’ parent. Don’t worry, you’ve had good grounding.
Your brother is going to know everything. He will save you from alot. More than I want to tell you now. You will love and hate your siblings a million times over and around again. It doesn’t change the fact that they’re your siblings, for you, or for them.
People you meet will change your life in an hour. The good ones will stick around for many, many more hours.
1996 is going to be hell and heaven. Twelve years later, you’ll be doing deja vu on every front. It’s going to rock, and it’s going to suck. Don’t panic, you’ll do what you did then. You’ve got good grounding.
You will love one person for the rest of your life. You already know them. But you will not love them the way they need to be loved, nor will they love you the way you need to be loved. One day, you will both be okay with this and have another person to show for it.
Yep. Reread that line. It’s true.
Your teacher sat before you knows more about you than you know. You will love and hate them all at once, and you will do a lot of dumb things, and fun things. You will bunk a lot of school. Yes, you will. Believe it, little Miss Goody Two Shoes right now.
Stop trying to draw between the lines. And live between them. You weren’t made for it, and very soon, you will realise it.
You are not as fat as you think you are. Trust me, you’re gonna be a lot fatter in time to come. And a lot thinner too.
She is also nowhere near as perfect as you think or she thinks she is. One day she will serve you in a restaurant and you will revel in the beauty of life’s karma.
You’re going to bunk a lot of school. You’re going to love it. You’re going to start sucking life in and spewing it out and you will truly slipstream.
It’s going to be FUCKING amazing, and it’s going to FUCKING suck.
You will try to stopitall at 16. You will have had enough. You will fail.
You will try to stopitall again at 17. You will have had enough again. You will be stopped.
You are going to learn so much, and D is going to be the first person to make you realise you’re a person, and not a useless wallflower.
He’s going to teach you that in a strange way, and then try and take it from you.
You will learn how to fight for yourself very soon.
You.Will.Win.
You will have no idea where he is or what became of him within a month.
Pay attention to the people around you, and not the ‘cool kids’. Trust me on this one.
You are going to blame every single person around you one day, for stuff.
One day, you’ll start blaming yourself.
On another day entirely, you will begin to accept alot of it.
On a completely strange and horrible day, after a million horrible things have happened, you’ll meet someone who finally, finally, makes you not feel so alone in the world.
I have no idea what happens then.
You will have a lot of dreams. Your career dream now will be the same throughout school. It will end abruptly when you realise that it’s not for you, and you choose to amalgamate alot of what is within you into making something a little different.
You will do well at school, which will surprise everyone considering your alleged ‘behaviour’.
You will be envied in strange ways. Noone will tell you this until much later.
You will envy alot of things, but later on learn that the grass ain’t greener on the other side.
You will give up trying to be like the cool kids, and realise you never really wanted to be anyway.
That’s going to ROCK.
But, seriously, ditch the fucking aliceband.
Love,
Future Me.