‘same stars, idiot’ – For Belinda

This post, this one is all about you. Today is all about you. Today, you’re being laid to rest.

It pains me that the Universe decided you were one who needed to rest. Were you just TOO full of life? Were you, perhaps, TOO gorgeous and divine for the world to cope with anymore? People who didn’t know you might read this and think “what the heck?” and that’s okay – we both know that there’s a language here so many of us are part of, yet it’s misunderstood 99% of the time.

When Scott told me the news – bless him – it’s so damn hard to tell someone that news – I shuddered. I cried, big snotty tears and gulped and keened. I did what you told me I should do though, and instead of snotting everywhere on my own, I called P and asked him to hold me. In previous lives, I’d have called you and snotted down the phone. I used to be the queen of doing that. Mind you, when we’d communally snot out over stuff, at least we ended up laughing.

It’s so weird to me, because we never actually met. Some people will look at that statement and think: “Cath’s insane. Cath had this strong reaction to someone she had never met, dying”. But you and I both know that this is not some arbitrary strong reaction. This was a fiercely twinsome force that started the day Tertia said: “you should meet my friend Bee. You even look like each other”.

Darling, DivineBee, I will miss you. I will miss your familiar cackle and your crisp turn of phrase. But my missing is nothing in comparison to the loss your family feels. You will always be a guiding light, Bee. This is even true now, because you’ve gone on ahead of us, like you always did anyway.

Thank you, for those moments, where you just KNEW. Those random texts that would appear on my phone at some strange hour, and I’ll smile and thank my lucky stars for you. If there is one memory I will always keep of you, it’s this…

That time, where I was out with friends, looked up at the sky and thought “sheesh. Those are some twinkly stars”. I’d been feeling uncertain about all the life changes that had come at me, and I had wobbled a little. I was happy but I was still feeling insecure. I looked at those stars and felt okay. We’d not spoken for ages.

It was about 1 or 2am, and I went to check my phone, you know, to read the Twitters. As I picked it up, you texted and said:

“The stars are beautiful, right?”

And I said:

“How did you know!?”

And you said:

“Same stars, idiot”.