It’s been a while since one of these. Something La said to me the other night sprung forth in my brain this morning. I have huge, incredibly etched trust issues. These issues are hard-won, ridiculous survival tactics and they lead me, usually, scrabbling for air.
There are very few people I truly trust. This has much to do with the Miranda Warning that seems to have pervaded a large part of my life. Particularly, this part: “Anything you say or do can and will be held against you”…usually at some point, out of context, when you’re not there to defend yourself.
It’s led me to a place in my life where I trust few and tell even less people about what’s really going on in my head. Funny for a personal blogger type like me, I realise. Even more so, if you are one of the people I trust, you know it already. If you think you might be one, you’re not. If you worry that you’re not, you most definitely are not someone I trust. This is hugely and directly as a result of being lied to, many times, over many years. I’m okay with it nowadays.
This morning, I encountered an issue of trust. Someone I am meant to be able to trust but who fails me and who has failed me, numerous times over a lifetime. This is the trust with most sting because I cannot un-trust them. I am forced to trust them for the sake of something so much bigger than I. So I do, every time. Every time I invest trust again, only to be disappointed, hurt and left questioning myself.
And when I feel like this, I shut the world out, growl at the sun and speak in very short words. I am not emotionally available to anyone and you can step out of my way or be pushed, your choice.
But. There is one person. One person who knows exactly how to ignore that biting tongue of mine. One person who steps straight in where everyone else has cleared out or been swept out from. There is one person who jumps right in, faces up and says “your issues don’t scare me and I’m going to love you even more when you’re like this. I’m not going to run away like everyone else and I am going to ignore your hurt roaring. I am going to love you even though it’ll make you burst into tears because I will wipe them away”.
That person is you. Thank you. Always, always, my gratitude and my heart rest with you. X