it’s my blog and i’ll ramble if i want to.

Something happened yesterday which led my sister and i to say things along the line of “I don’t want to be a grown up anymore”.

What happened was, someone from my parents’ past, found me online and well, they didn’t know about either of them passing on. It was hard to be the bearer of bad news, especially to someone who admits that my folks were inspirational to him. It’s akin to bearing the burden of having to tell a kid that Santa isn’t real, except way more serious.

I’ve had two reminders of my folks this week. In the swarm and scurry of day-to-day life, it’s hard to always give them a thought but, I do. And in weird and wonderful ways, I am always reminded of my parents on an almost-daily basis. Most of all, I see them in my daughter.

She laughs like my dad did. Heartily, and with all her being. We’ve been having quite a serious discussion, her and I, about genetics and how it comes to be that children inherit some of their features from their parents and other family members. It stems from my remark to her that she bears a startling resemblance, in a number of ways, to my sister. In fact, my daughter looks more like my sister than she does me. Her toes, though, she inherited directly from my dad. The second toe, next to the big one, in our family, is always long, sometimes longer than the big toe itself. She has that, and she gets that from my dad. After our long talk the other night, she quipped:

“You got your daddy’s toes and so did I. And we both got your mommy’s eyes. I wonder who got their fingers?”

She makes me laugh with her little quips and her five-year old logic.

In more of our long discussion about genetics and DNA, and all-sorts, I realised something pretty ginormous. My daughter is growing up. Throwing around words like genetics with ease. And last night, just as I was putting her to bed and we were discussing whether or not she had her dad’s bum or mine, I realised how much my parents would have revelled in this time of her life. How they would have talked, and laughed, and learnt from each other. It made me thankful for the grandparents she does have, who love her, completely, and it made me sad that my folks never truly got the chance to see her as she is now – growing, learning, and so courageous. My mother would absolutely swoon if she could see my daughter ballet dancing across the lounge.

The truth is that I miss them. At a time in my life where I finally feel like I am being the person I always wanted to be, and who they knew I was underneath all the rubbish I spouted as a teenager, I wish they were here to witness it. I wish they were here to witness how Shmooshy is with Cam. I wish wish wish they could see it, for themselves. I wish I could just email them or laugh with them on the telephone. Have lunch and analyse all the world’s problems over dessert.

And then, because I am thoroughly determined to always try to focus on what I have, rather than what I don’t…I remind myself that I have so many things in my life now that I mostly thought were impossible. Love, honesty and a sharpened sense of self. A sense of self-worth that had abandoned me circa 1985 onwards.

Life changes, and with it comes a sea of uncertainties that wash over us like cool water. But, change is good. Change keeps things fresh and it stops us from becoming stagnant. Stagnancy is something to be avoided, at all times.

There’s a definite difference, between stagnating and taking a moment, though. Taking a moment to just enjoy a little moment of life. I’m working on doing more of that this year. Those little moments. Like the ones where my gorgeous child and I play “where did you get your hair from?” or laugh out loud at a Perfect Strangers rerun.

Weirdly, some people view this slower approach to life as laziness. My obstinate refusal to give up taking those moments has led to a little bristling among people I know. My commitment to slowing down, in comparison to gettingeverythingdonerightnowinarush, has shocked a few people.

So I say, to them, this is my caring face. 🙂

(this post turned into a bit of a ramble. apologies)