inexplicably linked but entirely untangled

and on a random note…I don’t often, in fact, ever, I think, talk about friends lost. tonight i am going to.

do you think that, sometimes, people are just inexplicably linked?

i have a friend. it’s a friend i lost.

the strangest part of losing each other’s friendship is that it was the right thing to happen, for both our lives.

but, last night, i heard this cover version of a song for the first time, and whilst the content of it is seriously romantic, the connotations we both hold for it don’t linger there at all. they linger on some good memories of me in my orange boots and us laughing at each other’s lives. of me moon-walking out of a club one night, after meeting each other again after many years. We’d known each other since very little and once, once this now-gone-friend had saved my little girl soul from crucifying embarassment. I’ll never forget that.

the end came down to…my friend willing my life to change, and me being unwilling to change it at that time. Me willing their life to change, and them being unwilling to change it at that time.

The madness was brought to light, and things changed. We lost each other’s friendship in a mish-mash of aeroplane trips, trans-atlantic instant messages that went wrong, 2am phonecalls we didn’t make anymore and not acting on some pretty strange signs we both saw.

When this song came on last night… I knew. I knew that the time had come to acknowledge the madness, acknowledge that it’s over, honour the time we had and keep moving on. That this friendship is indeed over, and that the fact that we don’t miss each other, says more about just how mad it all really was.

When this song came on, I knew something was up. Something had gone wrong in their lives. The Universe doesn’t send up a flare of this magnitude without good reason.

So, I stopped what I was doing this morning for a second, summoned up all my courage, and typed a short email to this now-gone-friend.

They responded. I had been right. At the exact time that I had heard this song, they, on the other end of the world, in their well-chosen and destined life, had been what we’d have called, mockingly to each other, “having a drama”.

I guess the Universe wanted me to check in. To get over my own self, and just check in.

So I did. And I’m glad I did. We don’t miss each other, we don’t feel any great desire to chat again. We don’t feel the need to continue beyond this email send/receive session. We are okay with the past and that it should stay there. We stunted each other, and have grown beyond our greatest trees of dreams since letting go.

Tonight, though, I am thankful for the time we did have together, for the friendship we did have, and I am thankful that we let it go. Moreover, I am thankful that we were able to check in on each other, without agenda, and without hope of going beyond this little exchange.

So, here’s that song.

Tonight I dedicate to my now-gone-friend. To a dusty, hot freeway and driving so very far for no reason. To a bird that poohed on my head. To coming home from work today to find an anonymous package on my doorstep and knowing that it was going to be okay. To a good little pig in a box that once arrived in my life. A present for Cam, she rode that little pig bike thingum for ages. Now she has grown much too tall for it. I look at that pig and I think, whilst the pig may be of little use now, it’s still a good pig. Heh. I don’t even know if you’re reading this my now-gone-friend. You probably are. Thank you for the time we had together. It’s still a good pig.

This line for you:

“and I dream your dream for you and now your dream is real”

Adieu.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87cLyBR1JTo]