I write this to you as you sleep, snuggled up with Grassicles, my teddybear. I put you into my bed this evening after a little meltdown you had at bedtime.
It’s strange, really. Sometimes I get so caught up in us living this life we have that I forget that you remember a time when there was three of us. You were so little then, and it’s sometimes hard for Mama to believe that we’ve been doing this life together, mostly on our own, for nearly four years.
Yes, we aren’t on our own anymore. We have Shmooshy and he’s here more often than not, so our home is a little cosier, a little warmer, and feels more like a family now than it ever did before. The change in you into the self-confident, charming princess you are now, is evidence to me that he is exactly what you and I have wished for all along. Lucky, lucky, blessed us.
But, I know, like I know all daughters are with their dads, sometimes…you just want your dad. My sweet girl, I know how that feels.
I would often go to my dad for advice or a cuddle. Notwithstanding that I went to my mom too but, I know all too well that the bond between a daughter and her dad is super special and something that mamas just can’t touch. It’s something so incredibly precious and, in so many ways, I am so glad you have this bond with your dad.
You see, I worried a lot when you and I were alone. I worried you wouldn’t have a proper relationship with your dad, and that you’d miss out on that fine, yet absolutely crucial texture of love that I had with my dad. I worried that you’d miss out on one of the most important relationships in life. One day, when you are a possibly petulant teenager, you will scoff at me saying this but, the relationship you have with your dad will truly be one of the most important relationships of your life. In fact, I’ll waiver that it will probably rank as more important than the relationship you have with me. Yeah, I can admit to that because I am a mom, and trust me, I’ll say it again, just about nothing can come between a daughter and her precious dad.
So, you see, tonight, when you suddenly had an attack of the sads, and you wanted your dad, I understood. It doesn’t happen often for you. I think you probably average a Daddyitis moment, about once every three months. I know that’s because you do have a wonderful relationship with your dad and he loves you so, so much. You are his precious girl. Precious beyond words and I am so proud of the love that lives between the two of you.
We’re lucky, you know. Yes, your mom and dad do disagree on things sometimes but never to the point where we have to be ugly to each other in front of you. We both agreed, years ago, when you were very tiny indeed, that that would never happen. And it never did. We’re even more lucky because your dad wants to be a part of your life, every day. There are some kids who don’t have that. Now I’m not being a stickler and saying you should be grateful for what you have and deal with it, that would be unfair to you. What I am saying is that your dad loves you, and your mama loves you too. We both agree that you’re the cleverest, most wonderful little girl we’ve ever met, and we’re so proud to call you ours. Of anything in the world, it is you we hold most highest, our precious Cam. It’s you who is our lives’ biggest joy.
So, tonight, after we dried your tears, we counted the sleeps until you see your dad again. It’s just four sleeps until Daddy Weekend. Then I tucked you in, kissed you on the head and came back to my computer to type you this letter.
In Mommy’s normal silly way, she’s having a little sob whilst typing this. Sometimes I feel like I failed you by having to choose to be a single parent. Sometimes I feel like I saved all three of us from unhappiness by making that choice. When you and I talk about it, and I’m so glad we can and we do, I tell you that I had to make a choice to give all three of us the chance at happiness that we all deserve. Daddy is happy in his life, Mommy is happy in hers, and you, you have the biggest smile on your face and you dance through life like the butterfly-fairy-mermaid-ballerina that you are.
But, I just wanted to say…It’s okay to have sad days. I have them too, still, and I’m big! I want my mom and my dad, and even you tell me you’re sad for me sometimes because they are in heaven.
It’s okay to have sad days, because the next day will be better.
I promise there’s a whole new day coming, and it’s happy. Look, it’s almost here.
4 thoughts on “It’s okay to have sad days.”
I’m sorry if this comes across as insensitive, I’m genuinely not trying to be, but reading this made me, all of 23 years old, a little more grateful for my Daddy.
I wonder sometimes, why Damien spoke so little about his father when he was growing up. I hope and pray he didn’t feel like he couldn’t talk or ask about him, because we did talk about him occasionally…
Crapsticks. They’re now seeing each other regularly and I’m still questioning my decisions!
This is just so sweet and loving and wonderful. Cam is lucky to have a mama like you 🙂
I love the way you write. This is so beautiful!