Category: ramble

quiet numbers.

I’ve been battling to write, for me, for a while now. That’s evident from the lack of regular posting here.

But then, this evening, as the twilight settled, the dog snoozed and I spun up Dylan’s latest creation and it became time to think. And write.

As an aside, as a rule, I don’t actually, usually like people called Dylan. There is one minor exception but call it a bad experience I had in primary school that involved a shittyshit of a person, who made me feel very small for many years and people called Dylan are normally not my finest. I find it internally hilarious that I can feel so incredibly close to someone who bears the name Dylan. Dylan, you’ve changed my opinion of Dylans the world over. Well done. You know how pedantic and pointed I can be about names.

I digress (as usual)…

There is a light that I see every night, from here. A million years and nine lifetimes ago, at the Shath, I used to squint out at night, out to the sea, and just in the centre of our view was this green billboard. Seeing that green light became calming for me, I suppose for its familiarity.

 

How funny then, as I sit here tonight on my new balcony, lifetimes away from that green billboard, I can see one here too. But it’s more triangular, slightly neon and – knowing my eyesight – quite possibly not even green. Haha. It’s probably grey, and I’m seeing  a triangle, but it could quite easily be a giant billboard that says “light” or “sale” or something.

My eyesight has become terrible, to the point where I must be wearing glasses or else things are furry and blurred. Maybe I need that sharpness around my heart too, because I feel a little furry and blurred right now.

Not in a terrible way, just in a way I didn’t expect. Metaphorically, I feel like I’ve eaten a little too much and need to not take a turn past the buffet of life for  a little. I’ll skip the dancing, to rest my feet too, thank you.

So you’ll find me, drinking my post-dinner coffee, hunting for a waferthin mint, at my table in the corner. Quiet.

 

 

There are no resolutions here.

It’s a new year. How you take that and how you handle it is up to you. After all, it’s really just a ticking clock that’s timed over…and, really, that whole system is artificial too. Wanna start a new year? Cool. Do it. If not, don’t. Remember – it was us humans who made the concept of time a reality, so stick to it. Time is our very own cross to bear.

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But there are no resolutions here. There are only commitments. In my head, I had five, right now. I suspect they will change as the artificial ticking over of an arbitrary concept progresses along the calendar that many people cannot agree on. They are:

1. Don’t let my own fears define my choices.
2. If I want to do something/work with someone, ask. I have a shyness issue I need to get past in this department.
3. Adopt a rescue animal (done) – if you follow me on social media, you know this already.
4. Stop thinking you have to do everything right now. This is a tough one for me, but I need to get over my own panic instinct.
5. Have fun.

Number 5 is important. I need that. A lot. I need to find more fun in my day, and stop thinking I need to martyr my way to happiness and fulfilment.

 

 

Hello at Hello Square.

The lovely Karla of Hello Square mailed me the other day, with a fun opportunity. So, because I am rather fond of those, I jumped!

The opportunity? Spend the day in their rad space, hang out, eat and abuse their WiFi. So, here I am, doing just that. I arrived this morning after an *interesting* altercation with someone and walked in, flopped down and have been sitting here enjoying this space since.

So, what am I talking about? I’ll let the pictures do the talking…

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View from the roof at 39 Station Drive.
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Durban…looking pretty today!
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Hello, indeed 🙂
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And Hi 🙂

 

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And yes, I baked.

Hello Square is a Durban-proud web design and development agency, who I’ve taken an interest in for a while now (Yes, Wayne, I do mean it when I say I have read about you! Haha). They moved to their current offices earlier this year and have made it very much a homely, airy space. As part of the Station Drive Precinct, Hello Square joins a bunch of Durban’s best and brightest creative talents, in an effort to imbue a sense of renewal into this area. I love the energy and ambience of this creative district, because it’s honest, gritty and pretty, all at the same time. Sitting here, with the gentle buzz of traffic and the sweet sounds of Oui in my ears, it’s a damn nice day to be  a Durbanite.

Thanks for having me, Hello Square!

 

look at us waging war…when we’re actually on the same side.

Everybody has their faults.
Every human has their fuckups, their lies –  both told and told to them.
Their dirty little secrets.
Their shit.
The stuff they keep hidden in hope of being loved.
Stuff they want to forget.
Things they’d rather not mention over dinner.
Sixteen reasons why they are scared of leaving the house every day  but will never tell anyone because they’re scared they’d look ridiculous.
Why they hate the word “beluga” and whether or not they think they did well enough at school and has that actually had a true effect on who they are now that they’re living an adult life.
Everyone has things in their life they’d rather delete, move on from or wishes they had never done.

The fact that they actually don’t like how their husband snores.
But they love him, so they forget about it.
That the person next to them in the office is annoying with her  gum-chewing but, give her a break, she just lost a parent.

Things they can’t forgive themselves for, and things for which they cannot forgive.
Maniacal ideas and brimming hats filled with fancifulness that they are too embarassed to tell anyone.
Things that guide them that they may never acknowledge.
Some people even pick their nose and eat it.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of them.

So, no, don’t say GROSS out loud and think I’m a nose-picker-eater now.
I’m not, by the way. My daughter, well, I’ve caught her doing that a few times. Heh.

The thing is. The thing I try to believe every day is that, yes, we all have our own shit.
Sometimes we have to share it. Sometimes we need to before we drown.
And, if we’re lucky, we’re helped to float.
Some things we never want to share.
Some stupid shit we did once when we were younger.
So yes, we all have our own shit.

But, the truth is, the one that I want to believe in and teach my daughter, is that even though we have all done dumb shit in our lives, that if we are living right today, living to the truth that we, for ourselves and noone else, believe in and thrive on, then we are doing okay.

Nobody’s perfect.

Every single person in the world has an assymetrical face.
Think about that. And even if they do, by some chance, then it’s not real. It’s there as a result of surgery.

For example, I hate how one of my eyes slant more than the other. It’s been that way all my life. But does that make my face ugly? Does it mean my eyes see better or worse? Does it mean that someone in the world does not find it beautiful?

No, it doesn’t.

My nose is skew. There’s an interesting dumb shit story in there about why. Does it mean I smell any better or worse?

No, it doesn’t.

I think my daughter watches too much television. I think I grew up watching too much television. I’d also like to ask anyone willing to fight me on that one and dare to say that she and I are (a) lazy) and (b) don’t read enough and (c) don’t like to read.

What are you gonna do? Call the parenting police on me? I don’t freaking think so, especially considering that, if you want to draw comparisons, you might find you actually think your kid plays a little too much console and is too obsessed with dinosaurs.

There’s some of my secrets. My shit. Not big ones, true, but I’m not here to tell you everything. Just as I don’t expect you ever to.

So when it comes to my heart. When it comes to who I am and how I love.
Just because I love in the way I do does not mean I do it wrong.
And if you think I do, then you’re probably just trying to enforce your way of thinking on mine.

So when it comes to the people I love. I don’t want to question their shit.
I don’t believe it’s fair. And I don’t believe it’s right.
If there’s an issue, cool, let’s deal with it and move on.
Berating someone for years about their dumb shit they did once, does nothing but hurt them and distance you.

I’m not sitting here going all hippy on your asses people. I’m not spouting “forgive and forget and let’s all have a happy joy joy dance around the bonfire” bullshit.

I’m saying. You have your shit too. Think about it before you hurt someone about theirs.

(Please note – I don’t include kiddy fiddlers, rapists, animal abusers, torturers, murderers and anyone who sees fit to take something from another being in a forceful or hurtful manner that does not involve giving something back in my definition of a human being).

Friday Fires

1. I am tired. It’s been a productive, efficient week. I am so done with work. Sheesh. Happy six years to me.

2. Could you like send some HUGE love to NotKay? Her kitchen went up in flames this morning. Earlier this week, a pipe burst above her head. AND, her dearly beloved feline is well, we’ve had some sad news on him.

3. My right eye went blurry yesterday. For an hour. I know that means something is up with someone. I’m waiting. It’s like my eye says “no! Do not look here right now!” Come on…

4. SheBee has resolved to give up smoking. I’m proud of her. Living with me ain’t easy. Couple living with me and not smoking and I’m not sure how anyone would cope. Kudos to the Bee!

5. My GMA just bought me smokes. And showed off his new hair to me. He makes me smile.

6.  I received an anonymous courier parcel this morning. I looked at it askew and got security to open it for me (yes, i know, paranoid but, when you’re me…). Turns out it was a free gift from a marketing company wanting me to buy their client’s insurance. Dude, it worked. I considered my life insurance when I received an anonymous courier parcel. I’m just saying…

7. Larcy wrote us a sickbag and scored an employment opportunity of excellentness. And is off to Ireland for a little sojourn. If she can find her ticket. (hehe4).

8. I happened upon www.someecards.com. I have wet my pants at least 14 times today. Some of these were MADE for he of whom I am quite fond and I.

9. Luke Hardiman shows us how to get Telkom to get you back online in just 1.5 hours.

10. It’s been a good, positive week of work. It’s just made me want weekend more.

11. It’s been a good, positive week of communicating. Aside from total confirmation that my daughter, yes,  my daughter, reads my blog and who took this random photo of my arm (I write about something and then she spends an entire day testing it out in reality. shit you not, ask SheBee), I’ve been able to talk to many people I haven’t seen for a while. And it has been good.

12. I will end this on a high note indeed. I can’t wait to see you.

Happy weekend darlings. May it be lazy and good all round.  X

hollow willow

i saw you the other night
dancing with your so-called friends
no-one dare intrude.

i saw you the other night
pretending i was unseen
but your eyes boring into me like nails to a cross

i saw you the other night
your arms around her

be gentle with her
i thought
keep your wolves at bay
and your heart open and free

i hoped you were soft
and not too eager
i prayed you let her down slowly

i wished you had just stayed home
my demon out of his lair

i saw you the other night
i held it in
i sewed it shut
i kept my pace

i don’t ever want to see your face.