A Letter to My 13-Year Old Self

Dear Cath

Please, take that aliceband off. Please. For the Love of All That is Good. Thank you.

Stop pining for the normal that you think you deserve. It is an illusion. You will learn this, don’t panic. But, that normal you see presented before you, really is an illusion. In fifteen years time, you will see that the most normal things are strangely comforting, and not in the sense that you think they will be.

Somebody will break your heart. As will someone else, but you’re going to love him for years beyond then.

Most of all, your alleged friends will break your heart.

That’s okay. The important ones will stick around. Unless, they die. Hang on to that thought for a while.

You should steer well clear of people called *insert name*. Seriously. Aside from one that you will meet in adulthood. Just. Leave. Them. Be.

You will learn, from young, that the world is far smaller than you realise.

J is going to be in your life forever. So will T. B will not be. Leanne will be in your heart more in your twenties than she is now. Believe it. You’re going to hate each other a lot, but that’s okay, because one day, you’re going to look at each other and be on the same playing field. The round girl with the awesome hair in the class under you is going to be your strongest supporter of all time. Her name is S.You will hurt her very much- this won’t change her quiet support of you. And one random friday, you’ll all be okay with it, and laugh about it. You and her will do a lot of dumb shit together, and will broadcast a television series to aliens from a rooftop. Believe it.

In fifteen years’ time, your best friends will be a vegan, a gay man and a guitarist. This will be normal for you, even though you have no idea what veganism is right now, think gays are people your parents and know and currently think guitars are things your brother plays in the air.

I promise you will receive love in your life. I cannot promise you that you will not be hurt. It will be venting that hurt that will uncover your greatest love, your greatest solace and your biggest fan.

One thing you will learn about love is that you give it better than you receive it.

Your parents are strange, admitted. Everyone will always feel at home in your home, except you. That’s okay. It’s got more to do with you than it does them. Your siblings love you, even though you all annoy each other. You will miss your house when it is gone. You are going to be regarded as a ‘strange’ parent. Don’t worry, you’ve had good grounding.

Your brother is going to know everything. He will save you from alot. More than I want to tell you now. You will love and hate your siblings a million times over and around again. It doesn’t change the fact that they’re your siblings, for you, or for them.

People you meet will change your life in an hour. The good ones will stick around for many, many more hours.

1996 is going to be hell and heaven. Twelve years later, you’ll be doing deja vu on every front. It’s going to rock, and it’s going to suck. Don’t panic, you’ll do what you did then. You’ve got good grounding.

You will love one person for the rest of your life. You already know them. But you will not love them the way they need to be loved, nor will they love you the way you need to be loved. One day, you will both be okay with this and have another person to show for it.

Yep. Reread that line. It’s true.

Your teacher sat before you knows more about you than you know. You will love and hate them all at once, and you will do a lot of dumb things, and fun things. You will bunk a lot of school. Yes, you will. Believe it, little Miss Goody Two Shoes right now.

Stop trying to draw between the lines. And live between them. You weren’t made for it, and very soon, you will realise it.

You are not as fat as you think you are. Trust me, you’re gonna be a lot fatter in time to come. And a lot thinner too.

She is also nowhere near as perfect as you think or she thinks she is. One day she will serve you in a restaurant and you will revel in the beauty of life’s karma.

You’re going to bunk a lot of school. You’re going to love it. You’re going to start sucking life in and spewing it out and you will truly slipstream.

It’s going to be FUCKING amazing, and it’s going to FUCKING suck.

You will try to stopitall at 16. You will have had enough. You will fail.

You will try to stopitall again at 17. You will have had enough again. You will be stopped.

You are going to learn so much, and D is going to be the first person to make you realise you’re a person, and not a useless wallflower.

He’s going to teach you that in a strange way, and then try and take it from you.

You will learn how to fight for yourself very soon.

You.Will.Win.

You will have no idea where he is or what became of him within a month.

Pay attention to the people around you, and not the ‘cool kids’. Trust me on this one.

You are going to blame every single person around you one day, for stuff.

One day, you’ll start blaming yourself.

On another day entirely, you will begin to accept alot of it.

On a completely strange and horrible day, after a million horrible things have happened, you’ll meet someone who finally, finally, makes you not feel so alone in the world.

I have no idea what happens then.

You will have a lot of dreams. Your career dream now will be the same throughout school. It will end abruptly when you realise that it’s not for you, and you choose to amalgamate alot of what is within you into making something a little different.

You will do well at school, which will surprise everyone considering your alleged ‘behaviour’.

You will be envied in strange ways. Noone will tell you this until much later.

You will envy alot of things, but later on learn that the grass ain’t greener on the other side.

You will give up trying to be like the cool kids, and realise you never really wanted to be anyway.

That’s going to ROCK.

But, seriously, ditch the fucking aliceband.

Love,

Future Me.