I’ve been reminded recently of the person I used to be. The person who lived for her work, partied until dawn and vehemently denied that she ever wanted children. I lived hedonistically, thrived on my issues with commitment and never once thought beyond myself. In my head, I was having the time of my life, and I was, indeed, the business – so to speak. In retrospect, now a veteran of the school playground, I realise how immensely boring I was.
Don’t believe me? Believe it.
I remember feeling a sense of loneliness. I remember all too well the transient nature of my life – always spinning off in fifteen different directions at once, with no significant plan or notion of a future. I used to be prone to these great outbursts of intense anger, and blamed it all on my great desire to be someone. It turns out, that someone was nothing like the person I was.
And then, the ultimate game-changer happened. I thought I was getting fat, and so did everyone else around me. Until my sister dared me to take a pregnancy test, and we all know what happened next.
I look back now and laugh. I laugh at how I thought I was having a ball, and couldn’t imagine the supposed drudgery of being tied down in life, in any way. I couldn’t fathom the idea that people actually wanted to reproduce. In fact, I was so steadfast in my belief, that I was telling my boss exactly that one day, whilst, unbeknown to me, a little person was growing in my belly.
It’s funny how life turns the joke on you, some days.
Just this evening, I was seated on the lounge floor, constructing a tower with Lego, animatedly discussing the day with my kid, when it hit me.
The old me would never have dreamt that this would be fun. The old me would have cackled and found the scene endearing but not something she’d see in her life. The old me would much rather have been out exploring the nightlife. The old me would never have thought of parenting as fun.
But, motherhood has changed me, for better and for good. I see myself being softer with the people around me. I feel stronger in my own individual nature. I’m more sure of myself, more protective. I’m kinder to myself than old me ever was. Nothing has changed in my passion for life, for my work, for my relationships and friendships. I just realise now, how incredibly precious each and every one of them are.
I find joy in sweet moments of the day, instead of wishing them to whizz past. I get ridiculously excited over seemingly little things, and I adore our explorations of the garden while we hunt for fairies.
It turns out, being a mother is the most fun I’ve ever had. And nothing – nothing – can ever come close to the simple joy of building that Lego tower. Being a parent is my greatest joy – the greatest joy I never expected.
Every single day, I am thankful for the surprise that my daughter was, and the mommy love adventure she is.