thought – worst moment of the year

1. This will be my first Christmas without my parents. There will be no phonecall with my mom. There will be no well-meaning, wonderful gifts to her grandchildren from her. I will not be eating the marzipan off my mother’s Christmas cake for the first time ever. This will be my first Christmas without my mother.

2. The worst moment of this year was telling her that she was dying. The fact that she got so ill, so weak and then died thereafter, pales in comparison to the moment she was told she was dying. Cancer killed her, but her spirit reigned. But, still, telling the fiercest lion that it is dying…worst moment of this year. It was that awful jump from “She’s sick” to “It’s Cancer” to “It’s terminal“…Her face, her eyes behind her glasses, the little jolt of shock. The way she said “oh”, after she was told. When it was all over, and I asked that people leave me alone with her, all I wanted to do was whisk her away and tell her it was just a bad joke, and wished it was not real. It was real. It was so real I still feel it, every day. More than I can write about.

3. I do have a bright side today, I promise. It’s just that I realised these two things right now as I sit here.