One Year Ago

1 year ago

Every day in gratitude. Every day in love.

This time, one year ago exactly, I was packing my things and flying to Cape Town for a week’s holiday.

Wow.

At that time, I felt weak. I felt rushed and I felt uncertain.

As the aeroplane descended towards that gorgeous town, I felt my heart slow down for the first time in, well, I don’t know how long.

Met by Jolene at the airport, with her sign, something inside my head felt like it was finally settling.

That week in Cape Town screwed my head on straight, planted my feet in the ground of the earth my life grows from. It relaxed me, it made me see straight instead of hopelessly blindly stabbing at destiny.

That week in Cape Town, if I think back, prepared me for one of the hardest and most exhilarating years of my life.

When I left, I came home and finally felt strong enough to make choices. Strong in a way I had never felt before. But more on that later.

You see, when I went to Cape Town, I had to make a choice. My mom was having surgery whilst I was away, and I had to choose between staying for her, or leaving for me. I didn’t even discuss the choice with anyone. I just knew I had to do it, for me. And my mom knew too. So I went.

Some people may read that and think “sheesh, selfish cow”. I’m okay with that. My mother didn’t think that of me, and she knew, more than anyone, that I needed to go.

When I returned home, I was able to make choices that meant something. I was able to set boundaries and enforce them. I learnt how to make decisions for my heart, with my head. One of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make, I made when I came home. I could not have done it without the solid grounding in love that I got during that week.

I think about it all. The wonderful, larger-than-life-and-big-in-my-heart friends. My colleagues at The Forge and the hilarious in-office Skypes. The night Brendon had to help me open the front door (still, I cringe at my own ineptitude post one heck of a bender with Justin). The happiness of waking up to a kitty cuddle. The quiet I felt within me, in a room full of people I absolutely adore and admire. Pina Cathlada. La Med and the stories of “well, you know, I’m actually a serial killer” (hat tip to a friend, you know very well who you are). The throwing away of comfort zones and sitting on a hill with Jolene. The mad first actual meeting of the OtherCath. Tents which eat us. Lying under the trees. Laughing over Pina Coladas with friends. This one night in Camps Bay. Tweet ups and hilarious photos in which I look very special. Hugging Heather tightly. Shopping with Sue. Being able to reach across the table and squeeze her hand. Cows. The mosaic of faces and people who I am proud to call my friends.

Which brings me to…

It’s been a year. I have gained, I have lost, I have cried and I have laughed. I have slept, not slept, loved, hated, fallen into despondence and buoyed straight through it.

I could not have done any of the things I have done since then, without that week. For me, it was a turning point that noone else really saw. For me, it was the beginning of the person I always knew I wanted to be. The laying of foundations for what I needed to do with my life. That week helped me begin to take control. When I returned home, I finally believed I was capable. Capable of more than I knew I was. Capable and worthy of receiving love. And wow, not long after, it turned out, I was holding hands with the man who is the love of my life.

Every single day since then, when I awake, I wake up in gratitude. Every day, I am thankful to the two women who were the centrifugal forces that made it happen.

To OtherCath and Sue. Every day, you are the inspiration I turn to. You are the rocks I lean on. And even in silence, you are there. Even in the darkest bits of this past year, you are there. And in the brightest moments, you’re dancing with me.

Every day in gratitude. Every day in love.

Thank you.