Dearest You, of a Year Ago.

//I have a random habit. Every time, before I post something here, I check the date, read what I wrote exactly a year before and mentally score my life in comparison. Example…

These were my thoughts on 14 September 2009.

As I read that post this morning, one line made me grin:

“I won’t stay inside apologising for my own sunshine”

And, I haven’t. I didn’t. Not once.  Life has changed, remarkably since then.

I’ve been given a gorgeous love. I’ve lost my mother. I’ve turned thirty. I’ve triumphed and I have sometimes failed. I have, somehow, remained vaguely sane. I feel more like an adult now than I ever did before. I still want to kick off my shoes and go dancing in the daisies on a daily basis though. Cam and I still dance, every day if we can. We’re still loud, still laughing, still smiling. Our smiles are just not ours alone now. We share them more.

A year ago, all I could think about was OMGITSNEARLYCAPETOWNTIME. My heart still misses my friends. Mentally, I get on a plane every day and go there and hug the people I miss so much. This year of insanity just hasn’t let me leave this town this time around. Sometimes, there is just too much to wish you could get away from, and no way to leave. Sometimes, sometimes there is nothing to run away from and everything to run towards. This year has been a mixture of both.

I smile. I know I’m tired but still moving. I know I still have hurts I haven’t felt yet because I have not been able to stop to feel them right through.

I’m okay with that. Because, when I stop, I have a small person on my right holding pinkies with me, and on my left, the love of my life is kissing my head and squeezing my hand.

//Dearest you, of a year ago. Oh, you had no idea what was coming, you silly, lucky girl. What a brilliant 360 kickflip.//