Dear Cameron. On Three.

You are three years old in less than twenty-four hours. Three.

I wish I could tell you how you have grown and how you have blessed me but, to begin to tally up what you’ve done and how you have done it, would be a list neverending.

In all that you do, in your life and your love, you do with grace. Even when you’re flashing your britney around the house and prancing around in your princess skirt.

You have strong beliefs. You’re stubborn. I like to think you get that from me. You’re forthright and not afraid to tell me how you feel. Your emotional honesty is the single most important thing you have taught me. And trust me, you’ve taught me more in three years than life has dragged me through in nearly twenty-eight.

You have learnt, but I tell you now, you’ve been the teacher all along.

You have believed in me on days and nights when I have not even known myself. When the world has been too big and loud for me and made me want to run away and hide.

This morning, all cuddled up in bed in your purple pyjamas (“Mama, we have the same pyjamas. Same Same”), you opened your eyes and your arms for a love. All for me.

“Mama, why do you kiss me so much?”

“Camcam, because I love you so much”

“Oh, okay. I’m going to kiss you so much now. Because I love you SOOO much”.

“I love you too Camcam”

“Mama, today I am going to be a spider”

“Okay, Camcam, and what is your name?”

“Mama, I am a superhero. I am spider Cameron”

🙂

Sometimes, when life gets too much for me, I bury my head in your curly locks, and inhale. There is so much peace in the chaos of your curls.

Mampa is your name for me. It’s the secret one, we don’t hear often. And when you say it, my heart trembles with pride.

Campai is our name for you. It’s the secret one, we don’t say often.

And when we say it, it means “congratulations”. It means “cheers”. It is symbolic of the ultimate present from the Universe that is you.

One day, when you grow up even more (heaven forbid), you’ll get it. You’ll get how it is to be a mom. How much I worry about the big wide world and how I want to protect you from every element of it. How letting go is the hardest part of being a mom. (and the books say it’s the adjusting to the lack of sleep. Waha. Not, hey).

My Cam-cam, you have made it easier. You are brave. So brave. Your resilience to life is without bound. You are more courageous than me, and you are just nearly three.

On the eve of your birthday, I won’t be sitting here thinking about how you know how to swim, or can count to twenty, or speak a million words all at once.

I’ll be sitting here thanking you for every second of your life, that has blessed me and your dad.

Yes, even that time you were so sick and vomited down my back at 3am. Yes, all of those times.

For all your joy and tears. For every time you say “I missed you Mommy”. For every time you say “I love you SOOO much”. For every time you take my hand, look up at me and say “Let’s go, mampa. I am not scared”.

For every night when you fall asleep with your finger firmly curled around my hair.

You are my superhero in princess skirt.

Thank you for choosing me to be your mama.

thank you, Matt, for this pic.