Dear Shmooshy,
‘Til there was you always seemed such a cliche to me. Yet, today, I find, it’s perfectly apt. So, excuse the cliche for today but, it does fit. More than you know.
You see, there’s always been this thing I had. The notion that WorkingCath, SocialCath and MamaCath don’t mix. And, further to that, that there is absolutely nobody in the world who could/would accept both parts as a whole, and be with me in all spheres of them.
I have to admit, dude. I was wrong. I don’t have that anymore.
The are a number of elements to Being Cath that exist, and all of them work towards and sometimes, against each other. It’s been entirely common that I would keep the super triad separate, and never shall they meet. Sometimes they did. Not in one instance can I think of a partner who stuck by me through all of them.
Until now.
You see, there’s WorkingCath. The mad hours, the very busy, the “I feel responsible”, the “I am responsible” and the “I wish sometimes I was not this responsible”. (Let’s face it, who doesn’t feel that way sometimes?). I’ve been berated for my commitment to my work before. ‘Til there was you.
You who deals with my rants, celebrates when I achieve what I tell you is impossible, and then go on to do it, and steers me away from my Mac when it is time to sleep. It’s you who reminds me that I do my best on every front, and my best is enough.
There’s SocialCath. The one who loves her friends and sings along, loudly and badly and laughs and celebrates life in its hilarious forms. With friends that mean something to her, and people who sparkle. I often was left to do that on my own. For a lot of reasons, other people would leave me to my devices, my friendships they saw no point in investing in, or worse, that they were jealous of. ‘Til there was you.
You who holds my hand when we’re dancing and can, better than me, regale the peeps with stories. Who laughs at the inner circle jokes. Who is part of the texture of friendship I have worked so hard to have.
There’s MamaCath. The overprotective, with reason, and entirely consumed Mama. It used to be common that Cam and I would spend our weekends together alone. We’d hardly ever see friends, because I’d been told by someone that “children get in the way of things”. We’d do what we did together and I’d make plans to see friends on an ‘off duty’ weekend. ‘Til there was you.
You who loves the vicarious celebration of seeing the world through a child’s eyes again. You who watches the kids playing on the trampoline with me. You who pushes the trolley when we have to do grocery shopping.
‘Til there was you, the triad never met. They ran alongside each other and sometimes left me feeling, frankly, schizophrenic. In my panic to always keep the three lives separate, I realize now in retrospect that I lost a part of myself in there somewhere.
And now?
Now those three streams don’t exist. There’s just one. One life, one meandering and sometimes crazy flow of things, events, experiences.
In the past three days, I saw WorkingCath, SocialCath and MamaCath all roll into one. From work, to roadtripping with friends, to coming home, to happy times with friends with kids, to sunshine lunches with people who mean the world to Cam and I, to the quiet Sunday afternoon curled into each other whilst Horton Hears a Who reminds us that: “a person’s a person, no matter how small”.
All I am, is gratitude. All my life, is love. It’s really, massively, all your fault. I never knew that love could be this simple, this unwavering. This spectacularly liberating. This wonderful.
Thank you. X
Love,
Me