You Never Really Think…

You never really think you’re going to get divorced, and then you kinda end up there, wondering how the things you (sensibly) planned for anyway, somehow ended up being the main plan, even when the main plan looked nothing like this.

You make the In Case Plan, with your partner, all sensible and serious, yet you still kinda ignore it, because it’s Not Going To Happen.

Realising it was happening, and then realising it was going to take some follow through…terrified me.

But then it galvanized me, along with a bunch of other circumstances, that set my organisational mind ablaze and – once she summons control – things just flow.

So that’s where I am. Sitting in the middle of the ebb and flow of it all.

And guys, it’s weird.

Am I deleting this whole story from my life? NO. It’s been a fundamental life experience.

Do I hate him? Not even a little. He probably hates me, but is too kind to show it.

Is this really it? Yeah, it is.

Should I be writing about it? Nope, not for anyone but myself, at the moment. Nobody reads this anyway.

Does it suck? It sucks so much. I’m having to unlearn all the habits so entrenched into my life. It is the strangest thing to go from a full-time communicator to barely nothing. I miss that check in. But I know it’s less about me there, and more about his needs, and I respect the hell out of them.

Does it suck for him? Yep, I imagine so. But I’m not about to make assumptions about his process here. That’s his, not mine.

It’s so weird that I still don’t have the words for it, and I’m still kinda trying to come to terms with it myself.

But I know one thing:

Freeing him was the good idea.

Freeing me was the necessary idea.

And while it has hurt so much,

I know it was the right choice.

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