Warning. Extremely bad language and extensive codespeak included. Shamepies if you don’t enjoy it, you don’t have to read it.
Happy birthday Missy Gatesface
I love you, you know this. I miss you, you know this. It’s now been a year since I have hugged you. It’s been a year since I have been squashed by your melons and held hands with you, grinning whilst we rip each other off about something that seems so out of this world and makes no sense to anyone around us.
To celebrate your twenty-sixth birthday, I thought I could pay you back. Surprise you with an appearance. Send you an inanimate object that would make you blush. Embarass you with a speech. Jibe you with a snarky comment about your shoes. But no, this year, this year I do something I never do. I admit defeat. You win, you snarky cow who ropes everyone possible into your schemes. You win. I concede. Publicly. This shit just don’t happen, we know this. But, in bowing in defeat, you know full well, I would never do it someone any less worthy.
Today I toast The Shath. That primeval swamp from where our lives grew and grew and grew. And look at us now. I’ll betcha Carmen would not be coping. We have love higher than the stars we wished upon. Who the hell woulda thunk it?
Geographically challenged, we are, yes. But in heart and friendship, not even psychotic people in dusty rooms could come between us. Snark Snark. And Snark some more. We’re still Team Shath, able to communicate an entire lifetime in two-line texts. Fuck yes.
I celebrate with a few of your quotes from those days. Yes, I do ‘out your doubts’ in a few of them but, you’re a big girl now, you can handle it.
I do it this way, the way we first met, through blogging. Happy Birthday, Fuckbitch. I love you better than Lady Gaga loves her cameltoe…
With these, I prove you wrong on so many counts. truth is though, I only have the evidence in retrospect. Life is all about living it forwards, and understanding it backwards. That’s some fucked up shit right there 😛
Fuckedupquote#1 from Sheena:
“I’ll never find love unless it comes from down the road from my mother’s house”
ER. WRONG. We just didn’t know it then. But, it was coming for you.
Fuckedupquote #2 from Sheena:
“I’m an excellent driver”.
ER. WRONG. As ExMi says, there’s “drive it like you stole it and, then there’s drive it like Sheena stole it”.
Fuckedupquote #3 from Sheena:
“******** – I don’t ever see it being useful for me”.
ER. SO WRONG. Only you know what I’m talking about here. But, OHMIFUCK, HOW WRONG WERE YOU!? HAH!
Fuckedupquote #4 from Sheena:
“I’m not in denial, I’m just avoiding it”.
I have no words, fucknut. No words.
***
I miss you. I miss you like you miss the Chinese food from down the road.
I said it to you before, you are like home to me. You know this. Happy birthday, my favourite fucknut. You know your birthday shares a date with my family birthday and, well, as we would both say “Yep, that’s Fred, twas probably him all the way along anyway”.
I miss you like my phone misses the ability to record bad videos we hope nobody will ever see.
I miss you like tampon applicators relish in the experience of rolling away from you.
Keep believing, like you always believed for me.
I believe for you on the days you feel incapable.
We never thought that was possible but, it was. We just couldn’t see it then.
Thank you for you. I love you. x