21 Questions

I’ve done quite a few of these before, so if you’re bored, you can read some of them herehere; here; here and here.

I was tagged by my (yes, she’s mine!!!) Jane to complete this, so here goes:


1. What is your current fashion obsession? I *finally* found a plain, dark grey, hooded dress. On my birthday! I’ve been looking for one, for years. I had a white one in like 2002 and LOVED it.

2. What are you wearing today? Berry coloured tracksuit pants, sneakers and a Simpsons top.

3. Hair? Is mad. I like it. 

4. Do you nap a lot? I dream of that. Haha.

5. Why is today special? It’s the day after my 35th birthday, and I woke up with my kid, dog and boyfriend all cuddled up with me. Best way to wake up.

6. What would you like to learn to do? I’m going to write my learner’s license to drive soon. It’s on my list.

7. What’s for dinner today? Whatever I can whip up between working. Today’s a work day for me

8. What are you listening to right now? The wind. No, really, it’s one of those chilly winter days that are made for soups and cuddling.

9. What is your favourite weather? If I have stuff to do outside my home, please let it be sunny. Otherwise, let’s couch it while it rains outside.

10. What’s the last thing you bought? That grey hooded dress. Hehe.

11. What are your essentials when traveling? Phone, charger, wallet and glasses.

12. What’s your style? I call it “Thank the stars, this was ironed”

13. What is your most challenging goal right now? Good question. I guess not giving in to laziness. It’s very tempting right now.

14. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? I know the exact spot. It’s in Durban and overlooks the ocean.

15. Favourite vacation spot? Give me a swimming pool, sweet place to stay and  my family, and I’ll go anywhere.

16. Name the things you cannot live without? Things? Nah. Those are transient. I need only my family (furry members included) and maybe WiFi. 😛

17. How was your childhood? Unconventional, enlightening and comforting.

18. What would you like to have in your hands right now? My kid’s hand (obviously, still attached to her person) and a Chai Latte.

19. What are you most excited for? Discovering new things.

20. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? I’d pop in to see my kid. Hehe.

21. Which countries have you visited? I don’t travel well. haha. No really, I’ve never left SA and have zero travel bug. None.

I’m supposed to tag people in this, but instead I want to tag some of the people who’ve done this so far, so you can read about them too (here’s the thing – they’re pretty darn cool). So, here goes: Jane; Sandy; Brett and Fay.


It’s almost February.

I mark time in a funny way. I do dates but, they’re not the stock-standard ones. I can, without giving it a second thought, tell you exactly when particular events in my life happened but, I am famous with my childhood best friend for – always and without fault – forgetting her birthday (Sorry Kirst, I’m getting better, I promise)

I have specific months that are mentally earmarked where I mentally revisit particular events or times  in my life and attempt to take stock of things as they were then, and as they are now. Some people would find this a madness, as many people don’t think it’s good to look back. I do, as I often find a strange sense of healing in looking back.

A few years ago, Sheena told me to “set a date on my anger”. That few years ago was, in fact, five years ago, and all it really was…from an outside perspective…it was a collection of seemingly arbitrary words strung together in a millisecond of a moment. Since then, it seems almost insane how quickly those five years have gone. I did, in fact, set a date on my anger. That date was eight months after this happened. I realise, in hindsight, that even though I had to claw myself into ending the anger, the effects of it sat with me for far longer. They presented themselves in strange ways. Ultimately, though, those effects and actions that I took as a result of them…they were good for me.

At the time, I firmly believed I would never recover from the moment. No, I believed I would recover but that it would be an assimilation of the anger I was experiencing, which would make me harder, less forgiving and far more astute in my seeking out of, well, everything.

I’ll admit, it did do that. It enabled me to pummel through a variety of emotions that led me to a place of feeling strong, whilst standing on my own tippy-toed feet. In a strange way, hiding behind the punches of anger, I found a strong grace. So I stuck it on my arm.

Now that it’s five years later, and my anger is far off in the past, I look back at the girl that stood alone, in her skirt…and I want to tell her to keep believing. She didn’t, for a longer time than  she should have. But, perhaps she needed to do that, to get to who she needed to be at the end. I want to tell her that she will suffer this expansion…but it will be better than okay in the end.

I remember, 5 years ago, sitting down at my computer and charting out the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be less affected, more secure. I wanted to be more like someone I knew, and less like the mess I thought I was. I ended up nothing like the girl I wanted to be, talking from that pit of anger. I ended up softer, better and more like the person whose little voice spoke from within me but who I worked hard to ignore in order to survive at that time. 

Looking back, at all the fortuituous and beautiful events that have taken place since then…I am grateful.

I’m grateful for that strengthening journey, because it may have been sad and made me feel emotionally gaunt, because – somehow – visiting the darkest parts of me, empowered my light. I very much believe that if I had avoided that experience, I would’ve become stuck. I’d have stagnated – the very thing I fear the most.

Instead, these events that I thought would break me, propelled me forward. Instead of stagnating, as I feared. In fact, it forced me forward into a life I did not expect.

On the night I wrote that post in February 2009, I felt ended. But, despite all my protestations and naysaying, it turned out…

I was just beginning.

some guidelines

Yeah, yeah, I know. Three blogposts in one day. It happens sometimes.

Anyway. I’ve been thinking. Someone tried to delve into a grief process of mine yesterday, face to face. Here’s the thing, though – I have not, do not and will not easily talk about pain of any type face to face. I suck at it, I know I do, and I’d prefer to just not confront it verbally. I deal with my ‘stuff’ in other ways – I write about it.

So, when you ask me overtly investigative questions about personal pain I’ve experienced, I will shut you out. Try not to be offended by that, because actually, I don’t want to end up in some sodden heap on the floor while you ponder what you asked that could be so detrimental to my mental health. Talking about things often does not lead to any healing whatsoever for me. I know that sounds hugely incongruous with my own ramblings about being honest about feelings but, I really battle to verbalise things – I’d just rather write them down.

That process heals me. Talking about it does not. I really wish more people would understand that about me, mostly because it makes me appear aloof sometimes, evasive even. I’m sorry for that, I really am.

I try my best, I really do. Sometimes I just need to recuperate from something in my own time, process it through my keyboard and then just heal. I’m sure you have a process too, and I’ll happily respect that too.

So, simply put, it goes like this…




…then…I delete a lot…


…then…I press…


…and then…


Are we clear now? Good. Excellent. Carry on.

Let’s have a song, then…


Making the circle bigger…

Okay, okay, granted…I cannot stand that song. But, I am rather fond of Chris so when he does something cool, I support him.

A whole bunch of us have started making our Twitter profile pictures circular. It’s weird because it actually makes a difference in the way you view your stream, and it’s visually appealing. Such a simple change, yet very effective!

For more info, head on over to iMod...and make the circle bigger 🙂


an online random thought

In an era where your online persona sometimes counts more than your real-life one does, is it not surprising that many people are feeling the urge to disconnect?

Case in point. Someone told me the other day that I sounded whiny and needy. They’ve never met me. But it stung like a bee in my hand.

I had always thought I was quite the opposite. I sat up, desperately reading everything I’ve posted online for the last month, trying to figure out where they got this from. Apparently, if you tell people you’re tired, you’re whining. Sorry. I’ll stop that immediately. Clearly this person who doesn’t actually know me, felt like picking on someone else instead of themselves that day.

It’s a scary thing, the online world. Whatever you say is almost immediately solid. You can’t unsay what you said, and, as a friend of mine says:

you can hit delete but you cannot clear other people’s cache. 

Which is true. Truer than it should be.

Another case in point. Some people tweet things they normally wouldn’t do if they weren’t out at 3am, partying up a storm with their friends. Some people do. I’ve been guilty of it in the past. I know that, for me now though, you’re probably never going to hear from me at 2am with some garbled tweet or status update. I’m never awake at that time anymore. Unless the power’s out. Which I hate, by the way. No whining, just fact. There was a time in my life, rather a very long time ago, when I would’ve been awake, running amok with my mates at 2am. That time, I can promise you, is well behind me, and I’m thankful for that. My nearly 31-year-old self could not ever keep up with my 21-year-old self. I am totally okay with that.

I guess what I’m getting at here is: think before you say something online. This is a common lesson, but I’m more and more aware of it nowadays. Even more so, I hate to put negative thought into words. Let’s face up to that a little – it’s often easier to put those negative thoughts into words, than it is to find a positive angle.

I’m making an effort to do that. I really am. In every aspect of my life. Otherwise, I just fall into the sea of negative thought and I’m the type of person who battles to swim out of it. I can go pretty far into it before I even realise I’ve lost sight of the shore.

What’s my point? My point is this. It’s not that I’m whiny, it’s that I’m honest. It’s not that I’m this beaming bubble of joy, it’s that I’m just trying not to let myself float out to that little dark island of negative thought. Because, frankly folks, I’ve had enough of that.

And that, that is my random thought for today.

(oh, p.s. I’m not picking on anyone in particular. everyone’s free to say what they feel, this is just me choosing to say what i feel)

just a thought

it’s really quite sad that someone i have held in high regard for a very long time, doesn’t even bother to communicate with me anymore. I’ve thought about it much today, because someone close to me, and whom I hold in even higher regard, reminded me of it.

Their choice. Their doing. All my emotions over the years. And, it’s weird, it’s been years.

just a thought.

it’s really quite sad that someone i have held in high regard for a very long time, doesn’t even bother to communicate with me anymore. I’ve thought about it much today, because someone close to me, and whom I hold in even higher regard, reminded me of it.

Their choice. Their doing. All my wasted emotion. I’m over it.

Here, have a rant.

Dear World-Out-There,


I thought it time I have a rant. Pet peeves and stuff. Here we go:


  • People who drink and drive. Are you absolutely dumb? What part of the “don’t drink and drive, you will screw up” logic do you not understand? If you have a driver’s license, it means you can read. If you can read, you must have some level of education. If you have some level of education, you must have applied your brain to numerous concepts over the course of your education and been able to deduce certain things using logic. So, if you have logic, what the hell are you doing drinking and driving? Seriously. Think about it, numbnut.
  • People who litter. It does not take much brain power to think about and realise that, when you toss something out of the car window, nobody is going to come behind you and pick it up. Mother Earth is, also, not equipped to pick up your litter for you (even though she’s done a damn fine job providing you with food, sunshine and a planet to live) so, what the heck are you doing chucking your takeaway box on the ground? Seriously. Think about it, litterbug.
  • People who think that, just because someone has a different home language to them, if they speak louder, they can be understood. Um, interpreting and understanding language has nothing to do with the volume with which it is spoken. Get it, and get it good.
  • Spelling of really simple words. Words people really need to spell are: disappointed; definitely; lose; loose (they are not the same word!); lightning, and my favourite, weird. Seriously. People. Look these words up in that big book whose name starts with a D (that’s a dictionary, darlings), and learn to spell them. Thank you.
  • Cliche phrases. Drop them, and say what you really mean, doofnab. For true. Thank you.


And thus endeth my rant for today. I just had to get it off my chest.


Well, shit me, I haven’t blogged in a while. Sorry. I guess this forcing myself away from the screen habit late at night is doing my head well. Well, in some respects.

I still live here, up here in my head. It’s a good place, most of the time. Today, it’s less than ideal.

That’s okay. Everybody is allowed their off days.

I’ve come to realise things again. They are:

1. That family is sometimes chosen. What I mean is that, well, sometimes, in life, you get family that you never knew you had. I spent this weekend with a variety of these family people. Where the warm texture and no-holds-barred love lets you swim through life. Where it’s easy to relax. Where there are no conditions to what you’re doing, who you’re being and what you say. They were great days. Days I hold in my heart, like little rays of sun.

2. We are very lucky to have these people, these days and this love.

3. I spend less time on small talk nowadays. Thank yuck. Yes, I mean yuck. Small talk is so belittling to the art and essence of conversation. True, honest talking is so much an integral vein of life, and it’s through that very artform that we learn. I’m just not interested in talking about the weather. This has, oh dear, made me a little unpopular in some parts. Of course, I care about as much as I would if I accidentally spilt a glass of water down my shirt. Mild distemper at myself, a light giggle and then a drying off.

4. I’m going to be doing something that scares me in 15 days’ time. In 17 days’ time, I’m escaping for a weekend to a place I love, to see people I absolutely miss. Talk about taking the rough with the smooth.

5. Let it Be – The Beatles.

6. It is what it is.

7. I wish my parents could have met the chosen family we have.