I can judge the level of how well I know someone, and how well they know me, by the things they say about me, to me (and sometimes, not to me). A lot of people think I have it “all together” and I often want to laugh in their face. I don’t, and I really try not to let it look like I do. Anyone who appears to have it “all sorted” is, almost always, faking it.

The thing is, if you think I have it all sorted, it’s only because you have known me in the last few years. Before then, it was a shmeshmortion of failed attempts to pull myself towards myself. I had to learn to make choices, quickly, and stick to them. My 20s was a time of absolute chaos, for a large part of it. I’m not shy about it anymore – it is what it is and it brought me here.

My decision making skills have never been good, but I have had to carve them like wood into me. They are chiseled and sharpened every day, and – perhaps because I (finally) realised that my refusal to make choices led me into a mess – I am driven by them.

But they were not won easily.

At one point, a number of years ago, I had to make a choice that centred around a person. It is still the most difficult choice I’ve ever made. It was the most horrible, elongated and gigantic conversation that I’ve ever had (and guys, I’ve had awful ones). But I will never forget the pinnacle moment where I made this choice, and then had to follow through on it.

Everything that’s happened since then, has been a direct or indirect result of that decision. Some of it was incredibly unexpected, but some of it was very well rehearsed in my mind.

When I get a bout of the sads, my mind sometimes wanders right back to that conversation. It finds it, like one would happen upon a jewel in a scratch patch. Looking back, I remember it as a battle against myself. In my mind’s eye, it still is – it’s just that this Cath, the one who sits here now, is the one that emerged victorious. She was the one that hoped to be released and lifted into a world that was driven by her choices, and not her inabilities.

I try and have this rule, that I ripped straight out of that movie Hope Floats (which, incidentally, I watched about 97 times after making this choice) – “don’t look back, we’re not going that way”. It’s something I absolutely fail at, because I often find a comfort in looking back and seeing how far I’ve come. It also helps me to carve or design the next choices I may need to make.

But today, when I feel insular and like a grumpy monster with a sore paw, I feel like the other Cath – the one I left behind, who hated decisions and rallied against all the new things that were to be invited in, is still sitting on that chair, having that loaded conversation, knowing she finally facing up to make choices. She’s sitting there, having that decision-focused conversation all over again, and she’s stuck there. It never ends, like some sort of badly scratched record that’s set to play, over and over again.  That girl isn’t me anymore, and I know it. (side note – thank the stars).

I have zero regrets about beginning to make choices. I harbour absolutely no misgivings about it – I just got to the point where it had to happen. I did what I had to do, and that’s who I am now.

On days like today though, where I’m all screwed up inside, I wonder to myself though, if she’d won that argument… how would life be?

This song was so indelibly tied to that time, so I’m going to let it play, wonder over this for a minute, and then… then I’m going to drink tea and go back to work.

Because my life is not there anymore, and I chose it to be that way.


magic happens outside of the comfort zones.

My friend, Mandy, said that to me this morning and it got me thinking about a deal I mentally made with myself in February.

I decided to say yes to everything that came my way for one month. To nod, accept and do. Now, of course, there’s some guidelines. They were: it must serve me in some way, it must be something I can care about (even if I do not right now) and it must be something that makes me feel like I am moving forward. Lastly, the thought of doing it must frighten me in some sense.

My default setting, for everything, is No. There’s a good reason for that and I have walked away from a lot of rubbish purely because I said No first. I’m grateful for that.

Choosing to say yes… well, 24 days later (that’s NOT a Sandra Bullock movie)…I can confirm that I’ve been frightened out of my wits, excited out of my skull and ended up very, very grateful.

The thing about frightening me is important. I’m one of those people who craves security, routine and an albeit illusionary sense of stability. I can confirm that nothing that I’ve said yes to, so far this month, has given me any of that.

But it has led me to write for places I never quite believed I ever would. But I have, and I will continue to.

It has led me to take up running-walking-jogging three times a week and enjoy it. This is alarming, because I have never really committed to anything like this…and it’s also a huge middle finger to the school teacher who once laid waste to my 15-year old self-esteem by ridiculing me because I “run funny”.

It meant I would work with people I always wanted to, but hadn’t been able to yet.

It has meant that my to do list is longer than it’s ever been.

BUT. That to do list is FULL of things I would sometimes DREAM of doing, but couldn’t quite get there. Suddenly, they’re not dreams. They’re happening. And I feel capable of doing them all.

The month is not over yet.

Importantly, being able to apply the guidelines I set out for myself helped a lot. When I did say No, I said it with intent and a clear purpose, that I’d explain to myself. Saying no got a lot easier for me, because I didn’t have to explain myself. It just was a straightforward “No”.

And, as the end of the month of Yes comes nearer, I’ve realised that my Yes, is just as powerful as my No. Perhaps, indeed, they are both magical.

some guidelines

Yeah, yeah, I know. Three blogposts in one day. It happens sometimes.

Anyway. I’ve been thinking. Someone tried to delve into a grief process of mine yesterday, face to face. Here’s the thing, though – I have not, do not and will not easily talk about pain of any type face to face. I suck at it, I know I do, and I’d prefer to just not confront it verbally. I deal with my ‘stuff’ in other ways – I write about it.

So, when you ask me overtly investigative questions about personal pain I’ve experienced, I will shut you out. Try not to be offended by that, because actually, I don’t want to end up in some sodden heap on the floor while you ponder what you asked that could be so detrimental to my mental health. Talking about things often does not lead to any healing whatsoever for me. I know that sounds hugely incongruous with my own ramblings about being honest about feelings but, I really battle to verbalise things – I’d just rather write them down.

That process heals me. Talking about it does not. I really wish more people would understand that about me, mostly because it makes me appear aloof sometimes, evasive even. I’m sorry for that, I really am.

I try my best, I really do. Sometimes I just need to recuperate from something in my own time, process it through my keyboard and then just heal. I’m sure you have a process too, and I’ll happily respect that too.

So, simply put, it goes like this…




…then…I delete a lot…


…then…I press…


…and then…


Are we clear now? Good. Excellent. Carry on.

Let’s have a song, then…


four things.

1. I have some big ass life changes happening. I am okay with them, even though they scare me. It’s more about getting past my own self-doubt than anything else.

2. I have got the most gorgeous family ever. True story. Every day I am reminded of this. I am still in awe of this, every moment that I breathe.

3. I have the most magnificent friends ever. Sometimes they remind me...

4. I wish for more smiles and less fret. I’m getting there.

Simple steps to ruin a scammy-spammy agent’s day…

1) Phone rings at home. Which is weird because (a) our number is not listed and (b) we don’t give it out.

2) I answer, and it’s clearly a foreign line. The dude on the other end launches into…”Good morning ma’m, are you running a computer with Windows right now?”

3) Luckily, for me, I know exactly what this rubbish is*, so I politely bamboozle him with…

“No, actually, I’m not. I’m running a fully customised OS within an Ubuntu framework but, how can I help you today, Sir?”

4) He says: “Oh, um, um…” and puts down the phone.


*If you don’t what this is, read here for an example.

these are the thoughts.

1. I will not blog about U2. I did not go to U2. Weirdly, though, it’s what’s playing right now/  2. I’m having one of those weird “oh cr*p, remember that?” kinda days/3. It reminds me of how far we have come/ 4. This week’s actually an anniversary of sorts but, noone’s celebrating/ 5. It is my mother’s birthday on Sunday. I think I need to spend that day alone/ 6. I’m marginally addicted to online shopping. I can’t help it. Larcy is laughing whilst reading this/ 7. Time speeds up the moment you leave home, begin to work, do things with your life/ 8. Truth is, though, it doesn’t matter what you do with your life/ 9. What’s more important is who you do it with/  10. I love my slashtags/ 11. I’d like to feel that way again, please, like I did in the picture, albeit slightly less horrified/ 12. Number 11 is codespeak/ 13. I’m waiting for a little piece of news that I already know but can’t say anything/ 14. New homes make for new routines/ 15. You can’t control everything, she said/ 16. Ah, why not? I wish/ 17. Number 15 is a snippet of a conversation from yesterday/ 18. I love random speakage with old friends/ 19. There is a severe lack of tea on my desk right now/ 20. You’re so beautiful when you’re sleeping/ 21. In fact, you’re beautiful, full stop/ 22. Dance, monkey, dance/ 23. I love my diary and my journal/ 24. I worry that someone will read the latter one day/ 25. I have nothing to hide but I’d really prefer it if they didn’t/ 25. I might come off looking a bit lame/ 26. And my bravado couldn’t handle that. Heh/ 26. Roll with it.


I don’t often post poetry, or anything like that.

It’s how I started this writing thing of mine. Alot of crap poetry came out of that. Heh.

Anyway, I’ve had a crap day. Monday shmonday, go to hell you shit day…

Anyway, there’s two things that turned this day around.

1. Cammertime.

2. A candyfloss voice on the end of the phone that reminds me I am not crap.

My point?

I wrote this on an aeroplane to Cape Town about six months ago.


You are not what I expected.

You are all that I can think of and,

my mind is doing cartwheels, backwards,

at the simple joy of


It’s my turn. It’s my turn. It’s my turn. I cannot wait.

I clap my hands, go giddy and grin.

The sparkle, the stars falling out of my eyes.

It’s my turn.  Thank heavens, I waited long enough.

It’s my turn.

Go, go merry-go-round.

I grab that pole, swing myself upon that horse and wave as the world tumbles on by.

Faster and faster and faster still.

Go, go go, merry-go-round.

I am a child again.

You can tell me about Santa and I’ll believe you.

You can make me eat my vegetables and threaten me with no dessert.

I’ll go exploring in the back garden.

Pull on my galoshes and jump into the true middle of puddles.

I’ll take my naps and be polite.

I’ll share my toys and I won’t laugh when that other kid falls down from dizziness.

I’ll  be good.

I’ll be so good.

Because it’s my turn.

I’ll eat my carrots, go to bed on time.

I’ll do my homework and love my teddy bears.

I’ll wear my slippers and sing those rhymes so loudly you’ll hear them in your head all day.

I’ll be good.

I’ll be so good.

Because it’s my turn.

bitty boppity boop.

stolen from Angel,  Pinkhairgirl and of course, Glugster (for whom I have left some numbers out, just for shiz :D)

Bold = Yep, done that. Plain text = Nope, haven’t done that.

1. Started your own blog  (numerous times, now that i think of it…)
2. Slept under the stars (happily and unhappily)

4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis (I can’t hey. I love watching them, though)
11. Bunjee jumped (not a freaking snowball’s chance in hell will i ever…)
12. Visited Paris (nearly, almost, once. i’m nearly thirty. guess we’ll scratch that idea of yours off the list)
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa at the Louvre.
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillowfight
22. Hitch hiked (please don’t tell my mom. eep)
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not sick (yes, tis called a Ferris and I really miss them!)

24. Made a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Ran a marathon (same snowball, same chance, same hell)
27. Went skinny dipping

28. Rode in a gondola in Venice (i wish!)
29. Witnessed total eclipse
30. Seen a sunrise or sunset (numerous times. many more to come)

31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace/ home of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish country (I’d take Sheena with me, for shiz)
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (for a while, yes)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person

41. Sung karaoke (oh, so very.badly)
42. Seen Old Faithful erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa (dude, live here. that is all)
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Taken a ride in an ambulance (unfortunately)

47. Had your portrait painted (Megan is killing herself laughing as to why this is hilarious)
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower
50. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

51. Kissed in the rain
52. Played in the mud
53. Gone to a drive-in theatre

54. Been in a movie
55. Visited the Great Wall of China
56. Started a business
57. Taken a martial arts class

58. Visited Russia
59. Worked at a soup kitchen
60. Sold Girl Scout cookies
61. Gone whale watching
62. Got flowers for no reason (i am a lucky, lucky girl)
63. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma
64. Gone sky diving
65. Visited Nazi concentration camp
66. Bounced a check
67. Flown in a helicopter
68. Saved a childhood toy (Teddy Brown. I love that dude)

69. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
70. Eaten caviar
71. Pieced a quilt
72. Stood in Times Square
73. Toured the Everglades
74. Been fired from a job
75. Seen the changing of the guards in London
76. Broken a bone
77. Been a passenger on a motorcycle (ahem.don’t tell my mother. but she does already know).

78. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
79. Published a book (not just yet)
80. Visited the Vatican
2. Visited Jerusalem
83. Had your picture in the paper (yep. wah)
84. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve (once)
85. Visited the White House
86. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
87. Had chickenpox (twice. it can happen)
88. Saved someone’s life (I’ve been told so)

89. Sat on a jury
90. Met someone famous (only ever over breakfast. what’s that about?)
91. Joined a book club
92. Got a tattoo (numerous times, contemplating the next one)
93. Had a baby (yep. I reckon you’re aware of this by now)

94. Seen the Alamo in person
95. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
96. Been involved in a law suit (no comment)
97. Owned a cell phone
98. Been stung by a bee

99. Swam in the Black Sea