i know, it must seem weird for someone so eagerly verbose to battle to stay stuff but, hey, it’s true…
bear in mind, please, that it’s 23:28, i’ve worked every night this week and i’m not only tired but think the fish have even fallen asleep from boredom, from watching me monitor tanning here. Anyway, here goes:
1. I battle to say no. especially when it means i can help, and even more so if i love you. if i love you, i think you know who you are.
2. That doesnt mean you should feel guilty for asking. i am capable of saying no, and i won’t ever say yes when it means sacrificing something of myself. i have done that for far too long in my life. and when you turn down my offer, i won’t be offended but, i will keep one in credit for you anyway. the offer stands.
3. so, yes, i’ll hang your washing, hold your hand and make you tea, but, no, i won’t do it when i’m in the middle of bathing my kid. i’ll let you know if it’s an issue.
4. on that note, i am learning to say no when i feel taken advantage of. and no, youre not one of those people.
5. when i look around me, im still awed. not even in my wildest imagination did i think i would end up with this much love, such brilliantly funny, understanding and superb people in my life. so, excuse me if i get starstruck on your asses. it’s the way i am.
6. yes, i get scared. out of my mind. i just battle to show it. fear is not something i do well.
7. i’m scared of more things than you know, but i’ll be arsed if i’ll show it to that of which i am fearful. call it stubbornness, or whatever.
8. i have a secret hanging for robbie williams. it has nothing on my secret hanging for mark owen though. wahhah. just thought i’d throw a funny one in for good measure.
9. the concept of you not existing in my life, is anathema to me. pure, unadulterated, grimacing-against-my-own-body, anathema. don’t ever leave. heh. that sounds demanding.
10. this afternoon, when you asked what was on my mind, the truth is…you.
11. there is nothing in the world i would not do for you. scrap that, the universe. and i would do it with joy.
12. i miss you on the strangest days. days when you really should be here, and random days where i look in the mirror at my frown lines (when the hell did those arrive!!??!!) and think “wish i could bitch to you about this”.
13. when you wake up, still rough-eyed and hopping around, you remind me of the greatest thing in life – possibility.
14. you’re cleverer than you know, or will admit to. there’s nothing wrong with modesty, especially when you level it under a veil of cockiness that belies great strength.
15. you’re not mad, you’re human. and truly human means being affected, and emotional. reactive, and easily hurt. Our skins are not born thick. stop apologising for your epidermis and be proud that you’re not afraid of showing it.
16. when i look across at you, and you’re telling me something, i hear my own childhood voice played back at me. it makes my mama love surge up and want to keep you from the world. it also makes me so proud to see you, so strong, and so brave. and so very loving every second of your precious life.
17. i may not have done everything right in my life, but holy hell, i know there are at least two things i have. both of them happened without my intentions at the beginning of the day being set. heaven knows how immensely grateful i am that a little destiny shone it’s glo-worm at me on those two days.
18. i’ve started spring cleaning my house. i knew this was coming. i’ve felt it for three weeks now. call it winter renewals, or hibernation habits, but the aptly named ‘junemo’ time of this year, holds more hard work, but also more hope, than i have ever imagined.
19. you say things i’m thinking at the exact time i’m thinking them, more often than you know. sometimes i worry i have elucidated my thoughts verbally and not heard myself.
20. when you said i didn’t know you anymore, the truth is…it scares you how much you don’t know me anymore. a doomat is something you wipe your feet on, and i shrugged off that liferug a while ago.
21. great things come from little conversations. keep inspiring me, universe.
22. wherever i am, i always want you with me. that sounds selfish and impossible and…i don’t care.
23. even though you’re now a million miles away and probably not thinking about it at all, i’m reminiscing about that day you dragged me out of bed and made me watch the sunrise with you. just because it was beautiful.
24. i know we don’t speak much, but my respect for you and all that you do, grows daily.
25. in twenty days, i will enter the last year of my twenties. considering i first started writing (or what i term anything near decent writing, although a lot of it was so trite and utter crap) at thirteen, i will have been pounding keyboards and chewing pencils trying to find the right words for sixteen years.
26. dudes, at sixteen i already knew this was what i wanted to do with my life. and yes, i mean all of it.
27. i should have answered that question today with the word: “tomorrow”.
28. when you reflect back to me what i have told you, like today when you said “yes mom, i know you miss him but, you’ll see him soon and even when someone is not with you, the love doesn’t change”, it reminds me of how much i love you, how precious you are, and how blessed i am that you chose me to raise you. when you do things like that, i finally feel like i may just be doing an okay job.
29. the day you said i would never finish anything, was the day i resolved to always do so. that included you. in fact, you were first. hah.
30. perhaps it’s less about being strong, and more about being brave enough to say you’re not.
(Glugster - you know why i'm grinning at you whilst i end this post)