Dear Spam mailers, text message spammers, spam comment posters and flipping telesales marketers…
quite simply. Bugger off.
I do NOT want your Viagra, porn links (on both counts, I lack the required equipment), alleged lottery winnings, out of the blue inheritances from people I have never known, and/or free trip to the Bahamas. More over, if I want a funeral plan, I’ll call you up. Also, don’t try and sell me credit cards – I do not think it’s a good idea. And no thanks on the new cellphone contract, I have one. And oh, for the dude who phoned me to tell me he could totally swing me a better rate on my bond… do your research, oke. I am not a homeowner and don’t intend to be any time soon.
As for the woman who has phoned me no less than twelve times to offer me insurance for my trailer (yes! seriously!), I will tell you now, lady, I don’t own a freaking trailer.
And don’t, for the love of all that is holy and wonderful, tell me I have been SPECIALLY SELECTED FOR THIS AMAZING OFFER. You’re lying. I know you’re lying. Stop lying. I was not specially freaking selected. I just happened to be the next person on your call-list. I know this because you’re clearly working through the alphabet. I have a relatively small group of the people with the same surname as me, and yes, some of us are actually related, or aren’t but we still know each other and no, we weren’t just a freaking lucky family to both be specially selected, we just happen to fall alphabetically under each other on your freaking call list. Special selection, my bumbum. More like selection via spelling.
But, most of all, to the dude who tried to sell me a newspaper subscription and would not let me get off the telephone…who told me that if i subscribed, I could have access to all the articles online too…and I responded ‘dude, I’d rather save trees and read my news online, thanks…and who, in his clear desperation to attract my attention towards his special offer said…but madam, trees are less important than being up to date with the news…and I said ‘dude, nothing’s more up to date than twitter…
To you, sir, I say …don’t ever call me madam…