remember I once told you about lunch?
well, I have a new pet peeve. I write this to you from under the desk, where I’m hiding, out of fear that the aliens have taken over the world around me, and are now appearing in my office, speaking an entirely never-heard-before language:
I’m about to go and make popcorn in the kitchen.
Except, somebody is here in the office today . Now, she’s great, but I swear she’s on crack and speaks a whole different language.
If she’s not chewing gum like a retarded horse on speed, she’s using single words to communicate. For example:
Desk = I’m here to clean your desk. Would you like me to do it? If you don’t, I will reverse out of your office.
Hicat = This is a general morning greeting. After you respond, I will follow it up by standing at your office door and staring at you for a full five minutes. Eventually, I will move on to the bathroom where:
Ncha = this is the noise I make when you knock on the door because you need to pee, and I’ve been in there for 45 minutes combing my pubic hair out, strand by strand, or something.
Voom = this is the noise that I make with the vacuum. If you don’t want your office vacuumed, I will stand in your office for five minutes with the vacuum cleaner going full volume until I notice that you are shaking your head.
What = I will say this when I talk about anything on your desk that I find interesting, pick up and stare at. This counts for all personal belongings, and yes I will even do it to a box of tampons you put on your desk just to fuck with me.
Eh = the noise I make when you need me to get out of the way so that you can go into the kitchen.
Isnice = how I respond to looking into your lunch, or anything else you may bring out of the kitchen and sit at your desk to eat. (OMG ANOTHER LUNCH-MONGERER!)
Noooo = how I will respond if you ask me if I’ve eaten your lunch.
Bai = the noise I will make when I bid you farewell after a day at the office. Repeat same process as for greeting you hello.
/sidenote: I finally got to make my popcorn. The microwave had a dysfunctional day, though, and is currently on fire. Can I please go home now?