Some people make it okay for you to be sad. They let you have your feelings, explore them with you. They let you bare your scars without making them bleed any more. They know implicitly that your only way out is through and are not afraid of whether or not it means walking through daisies or sludging through mud.
These people stick with you. They do not leave, even when you tell them to. They may give you your space, respect your process but, you know that you can call them, at any time, to re-enter the fray and help you.
It is in having these people in your life that you begin to feel needless. That you feel fulfilled. Buoyed. That you start to not fear. You are not afraid because your warm army is always with you, even when they are quiet.
When someone says I do not know how to ask for help.. I know that. It’s a problem I have been working on for a long, long time. And I’m getting better at. The person who implied that helped me to learn how to do it. Made me feel safe enough to ask. And I was lucky to be able to.
Sadly, people are human beings. And they will fail you. You will also fail them. Probably more than once.
When someone says I am not honest in my life, I wonder if their perception is because they are not sure how to handle my honesty. I give nothing in this life but the truth. Whether that is believed or not, is not up to me. One thing I am not, is fake. If I had any interest in being fake, I would be writing under a pseudonym.
Life lessons are things that people who care about you help you to learn. Often, when you think you have learnt them, the people who helped you to learn them, will be the ones to force you to implement them. Case in point? Self-respect. Respect for yourself enough to know that you need to clear your head and process what is before you. It’s amazing that in doing that, you’ll respect that said person may also need to do the same. Truth is, though, they probably won’t see it that way. That’ll hurt. Just when you start to believe that you are indeed worth it, they’ll ignore you and you’ll feel worthless.
I think I am one of the most needy people in the world. It jars me that people think I do not confess to needing enough. Maybe I should been more demanding. But I don’t demand anything more from people than the truth and that they exist. The fact that they exist is enough for me. The fact that they honour me by existing in my life is enough for me. Again, maybe I am stupid for not being more demanding but, I really don’t see the point.
The people who are closest to you are the people who have the potential to love you and hurt you the most. Remember that. Some people know that better than you and won’t let you in much.
You have to love yourself enough to know when you need a little time. When you reach that particular time, do what you have to do to process or deal with something. Do not be afraid. Even though you will hurt. And trust me, it’s going to hurt like a motherfucker. Doing something for yourself is the hardest thing to do.
Never ever ever let your flame go out. Keep hope alive. Your little sprite still knows how to dance even when she does not want to. All she really needs is a little time out in the back of the cave.
Life is disappointing. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be. Trust me on that score. It’s a capitalist-run, number system that does not care much for your dreams. You’ll realise that way after you’ve invested in life. But, the moments that make you feel like you are alive, the people who make you laugh, the smiles you share with people worth it, are what make life worth living. Don’t let yourself be dragged down by it for too long. Live for those moments. It is the little things, after all. If you think you can’t get by this doldrum, hang on. Don’t throw your hand down. Most particularly, don’t throw other people away because you feel like shit. Trust me, you’re going to want them around when the sun shines again. If you get thrown away, don’t be afraid to be sad. The chances are, if you feel that you have been thrown away, you’re not the type of person to throw anyone away.
Keep laughing. Keep smiling. Try your hardest not to give in. Be cogniscant of who you are and how you feel. Don’t ever let anyone tread on your toes and keep walking. Don’t be ignored.
That’s not working out for me so well.
You taught me these things, more than you know. And today I ache to tell you.