The truth is that I’m probably writing this for someone other than myself. What you read sparks off something within you and you resonate. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes, you’re left wordless. This afternoon, guess which one I was.
Here I am, stress eating. It’s what we type of people do when we have emotions we can’t untie ourselves from, no matter the source. Hands up right now if you’re one of them. Yeah, I thought so.
You see, most of the time, I’m absolutely fine. Completely okay with feeling like an orphan. It’s a weird sense of self. Sometimes, I think “wow, hey, I actually don’t have my parents anymore” and it feels somehow…liberating? Other times, it feels like a cage I cannot climb out of. One with no hamster wheel, either.
I know I am not alone in this but, sharing it? Sharing it is hard. Nobody can fix you and nothing can help it. It is what it is and it’s not pretty. It’s comforting to know my parents are now together, and, in all probability, viciously campaigning for more rights for angels or something. I mean, come on, there’s bound to be a cause they could throw their energy behind in Heaven, right? Right. If there isn’t, they’ve created one by now, trust me. Heh.
And it’s not that I’m not happy. I am happy. Sometimes I just feel like I should be allowed to miss my parents, and for the world to leave me alone to do that. Today is one of those days. But, part of being an adult is learning that, hey, the world does not leave you alone. You have to continue. To stop is, apparently, frowned upon.
Today, I stopped. For a minute. It just happened. You’ll be swimming along just fine, and then BAM, your brain stops you without you noticing. I started to think about my mom, her passing, and then it hit me like a ton of I actually don’t know what…
Of all the things in life that life gives and takes away, I do not ever want my daughter to feel the pain of the loss of her mother and father.
And the absolutely frightening worst part about this fear of mine…is that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help or assuage this pain. Not for me, not for my daughter, not for anyone. Nothing can. It just becomes a part of you.
I’ve been asked before, what my worst fear is. It used to be being left alone. Now it’s this. The one thing I can do nothing to save my daughter from, one day.
I really miss my mom today. If you still have yours, go and hug her right now. Trust me. Thank me later.
That is all I have to say today.
That’s why I believe in Dory. Just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming swimming.
not entirely sure my tears are considered “appropriate”. Nor the huge swelling of hurt and happy in my heart. Big big hugs
I also don’t have my mother anymore, she passed away 11years ago, and sometimes I still miss her.
At least I still have my dad, big hugs to you, I actually don’t know how I’ll cope without both.
You just made me cry… I have been sad about my brother all day but I have both my parents and I will hug them next weekend when they visit 🙂 X
Oh Cath.
I just read this now, yes- the day was that busy.
So much love. So much.
You, me and Romy.
Know that as much as you’re there, as much as you’re listening and calling and feeling for me- I am for you.
And to think, we’ve only met once…
I still have my mom, and I am lucky enough to ble close enough to her to hug her for no reason and to receive text messages from her telling me how much she loves me- out of the blue.
And on a side note… I put my hand up. And then I snorted at myself.
Thank you for this post, lost my dad, and am holding on to my mom with everything I have.
There are no words to make it better or easier, be selfish and feel your feelings, for those who mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind.
xxx
((Hugs)) <– Huge Huge ones that will just take your breathe away…