Wah. Yeah, I know, you all wet yourselves at that post title. But, no, there is a reason for it.
Dear Cameron
This morning when you woke up and told me to “go away and let me think for a bit about my dream before I get up”, I smiled.
It’s true. Three years old and already becoming your own person, so much like me it’s scary. I spent most of my life telling people to “go away and let me think”. The truth is, I still do, daily. Don’t stop that. It’s where all your good ideas come from. Trust me on that score.
I’ve been watching you, little one, and I realise more and more, every day, how your life is flashing past me so fast. How my life is flooding through and racing forward (and some days, I think going backwards too) and how, weirdly, before I even began to consider it an option, you are starting to learn to read.
I wanted to write you this letter today, in case life makes me forget this. I want you to know these things. They may mean very little to you today, but, one day, I hope, you will think of me as being quite wise.
You talk, alot. Never stop that. Never, ever be afraid to speak your mind, even if your voice shakes. And if anyone tries to stop you, give them my number and I will sort.them.the.fuck.out.
Never be afraid to tell someone that you need that time to think. Never feel guilty and never feel compelled to answer the question “yes, but what are you thinking about?”. Chances are, the person who feels compelled to ask you that question isn’t worthy of knowing the answer.
I know you love people. You love being the centre of attention and being lauded for being clever. You’ll, of course, never admit to it. This is the quintessential reason why I am convinced you are a mini-me. Be warned, though, those moments will diminish in quantity over the years that you grow up. They will diminish in quantity, but improve in quality. That I can promise you.
Please, for the love of all that is good in the world, do your best to try and ignore the cool kids. This will be the hardest thing in the world for you to do, especially in your teens. There will always be someone cleverer, thinner, richer, faster, smarter, funnier, whatever-er, than you. I promise you this much. It’s not going to matter for very long. One day, I promise you my precious macaroni, it won’t matter at all. You’ll realise that the competition is an illusion and that we are just human.
Forgive yourself before you forgive anyone else. Don’t do it backwards like I did. Don’t, ever, feel forced to forgive someone because you feel guilt towards them. They won’t do it for you, especially on the days you feel the need for them to.
You will make friends and lose them throughout life. The truest ones will be there for all the moments in your life that matter. That I can promise you. I wish for you one true love, and a select good friends. I wish for you a happy and interesting journey to finding these people. Meet as many people as you can, but always come home to those that know the song in your heart, and will sing it to you when you forget the words. Above all things, I know your dad and I will be there to hold your hand, even when you do not want us to.
I don’t care if you swear when you grow up. I am not concerned about your language, as long as you do not swear at anyone you should be looking up to. Swearing at teachers is not allowed. Swearing at me, is okay. But, please, watch your language around people you know you should. You’ll know when it’s necessary.
We are still going to love you even when you think you have failed us. I was lucky. I failed in something, and my folks showed me that they loved me even when I thought I had. As it turned out, I didn’t fail. I just needed to learn a lesson. As it was, I am thankful, in retrospect, for that lesson. It’s going to be hard for me not to rescue you from learning a lesson. Trust me, whenever I can, I will. But there will be some lessons I know I have to let you learn. This is going to be the hardest part of being your mom for me. I’m still going to be your mom when it’s over. That I can promise you.
You will be tried and tested in life. It’s not always going to be plain sailing. Shit will happen and things will get messy. But, we believe in you. You were not a surprise miracle for nothing. That much we do know.
I am proud of you, every day. Every time you show me something you have learnt, or tell me a story from your day. I am proud of you even when you stubbornly refuse to go to bed. I am proud of you even when you tell me you do not want to wear “that!” today. I am proud of you even when you throw a tantrum. You’re stubborn, and you’re not one to be deterred from your path of desire. I am proud of you for being as strong as you are today in yourself, even whilst you are as little as I can first remember being.
I love you every sunshine, moonshine and inbetween. And yes, especially at 5am when you wake up and ask where the morning’s sunshine rainbow is.
X