i do promise i’m here. really. really. really.
truth is, though, my head is spinning. with questions. when did i get so responsible?
when did i, the world’s greatest slacker and inventor of compulsory Ferris (TM) days, become so driven?
and then, then i realised it wasn’t really my fault. i had to grow up sometime.
but, don’t…don’t think for a second that i’m sitting here typing this, barking orders off and swishing my hair around whilst i scroll through my itinerary for my next trip/meeting/brainstorm…don’t think this isn’t cath sitting here.
it is. how do i know? well, it’s simple. i’m doing all those things whilst wearing my pyjama top still, my hair is still not blowdried and i am pretty sure i just accidentally poured my tea into my top drawer 😛
some days it’s good to be me. some days it’s not so great. in fact, sometimes it makes me darn bleak that nearly 30 years are now behind me and i still haven’t quite proven myself to myself yet.
but, then, i kinda have. all i really ever expected of myself was to live through it. and fuck me, i do a pretty darn freaking good job, on the whole.
and i am. i’m living through it. thriving on it. running on it. breathing. kicking ass and taking names. and hugging someone who needed it today.
i’ve sat with that dichotomy for too long. never being able to apparently, adequately explain myself. Why I am a fiery rage of Aunt Irma one moment, and then a puppy dog in cuddle mode, the next.
The truth is, with Cath, there are no grey areas. Is that so hard to explain? Maybe for you, it is. The truth is, if it looks like there’s a grey area, it’s because i really don’t want you in it. Get that? Respect that? cool.
Sorry, I know I’m ranting and that probably makes no sense to anyone reading this. Well, maybe it does..who knows.
Your inability to deal with my no bullshit is directly proportionate to the amount of bullshit you spill forward every day. Your bullshit that has no element of care or support in it. Your bullshit that seeks to deify yourself and only to plunder alot of, shall I say, stuff, into things that just do not matter.
Seriously, sir, take a look at the big picture. I realise that’s hard when you’re wearing blinkers. I realise that’s even harder when you bolted them on yourself.
The big picture is, i’m sorry to say, not your face. So, when being humble is so hard for you, that’s okay. I understand you may have an elevated opinion of yourself. I will not understand it when you refuse to let anyone get past you without somehow worshipping you.
There are far more worthy people within five minutes of me that I can honour, and I do.
So, I’m sorry if you don’t agree. I don’t really care.
Again, I’m sorry if you don’t see the bigger picture. Take your blinkers off, get bigger glasses, stop winding yourself up in red tape and do not even for a second, think that I’ll do it for you. I was not made to untangle other people from the bullshit they themselves created.
I was not created to take responsibility for your very own issues.
I was not created to be a puppet to your strings laced with greed.
I was not created to jump like a poor horse on show.
I was created to be a mother, be here, be me.
I don’t care if you have a problem with that.
It doesn’t stop me from being Cath.
Noone will ever stop me from being Cath.
Some have tried, have no doubt.
None have succeeded for long.
I will never apologise for me.
Don’t demand it and stamp your shiny-shod foot like a petulant brat.
The only reaction you’ll get from me is a skippy walking away.
My feet may be small but they are more than capable of standing on their own.