a letter to noone. subject: things you dont know about your office

1. retards have a daily cycle. every day. at 9am. the idiots emerge with their whiney ass dumb questions, in a baby voice. by 09h40, they’ve worked their way up into a frenzy and i cannot ignore them any longer. by 10h30, they are silent. and will leave me alone so long as they don’t fuck anything up.

2. every day, and i mean every day, i contemplate drugging everyone around me with arsenic. it usually dwindles during the day and by afternoon, i’ve consoled myself with the idea of just putting vodka in the water cooler. just because, it’d be fun to see you lots piffed as sarts and attempting to retain your work personalities. i’d like to see what’s really under all that stuff.

3. i have typed out my resignation letter more times than i have dialled your number.

4. i know i send the most email. i also know i’m not the biggest bandwidth bitch. THAT is for another day.

5. everyone has a right to their opinion. i also have a right to ignore it.

6. i have a random collection of batteries. a lot of them. i order, we purchase, i hoard. it happens. j used to do it with pritt. other people in this office do it with toilet paper. i’m not joking. you think people shit that much here? no doofus, they’re taking it home!

7. i can get more done in a day than most of you in a week. that’s with you lot bleating at me constantly, two IM systems going, a virtual girlie email party happening and my family on the phone. imagine what i could do if you left me alone.

8. i loathe meetings. waste of time. i’d rather just get on with my work, and you lot should just get along.

9. one of us spends approximately 15 to 25 minutes in the toilet every time they go in there. I don’t even want to know what they’re doing in there.

10. I cannot bloody stand powerpoint presentations. they suck in ways i cannot express. stop using them. OR EMAILING JOKE ONES TO EACH OTHER.

11. I receive a lot of crap email every day. ninety percent of it emanates from within the office.

12. i have a certain set of music i listen to. trust me, if i didn’t…you wouldn’t be alive.

13. i cannot stand hoverers. ask your question, get your answer and fuck off. i’m not that keen on hearing your opinion on the latest political development or the weather. it’s hot. i know. now what the fuck do you want me to do about it?

14. there’s a big ass reason why i lock stuff away. it’s because you don’t know how to use it. so leave it alone, and no i don’t want to show it to you.

15. don’t use words if you don’t know what they mean. don’t pretend to be clever, and then use it in the wrong context. it makes me want to punch your face in.

16. i love you, dearly. but sometimes i want to staple post it notes to your forehead.

17. we have far too much paper here. we don’t need it. sometimes i wonder if i could just drop a burning cigarette into all of it.

18. i hate that the walls are yellow.

19. you think i have a random approach to things. i don’t. there’s a beauty in the chaos. you’ve seen it before, now leave me alone to create thanks.

😉

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