It’s been noisy round these parts, for a while.
That’s the thing about noise, though. I can’t think in it and, as you can tell by the lack of pithy bloggy updates currently, I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed by it. Anyway, it’s a quiet night, my to-do list has been tamed (that’s not a challenge, to-do list…), so, here we go…a few random thoughts from underneath the table:
1. Today, 40 years ago, the first cellphone call was made. Just mulling that over in my brain, I realise again how utterly dependent we are on mobile phones now. When I was in Matric (so that’s 1997…yes, I’ll admit my age), my then-boyfriend got a mobile handset. It was a huge brick and he wore it, clipped onto his belt. That was probably the first sign I got that this was not going to work out. Nowadays, as The Guardian says…it’s gone from bricks to clicks. I don’t often talk ‘tech’ on this blog, but I will tell you this – in the past week, I’ve been ever grateful for the evolution of it, and specifically Android. It’s been a big thing for me these past few weeks. Shmooshy will be so stoked that I have a little Android logo on this post. Haha. Go Android, and sorry Marc. 😛
2. On the subject of Marc though, have you seen his little bio over here? Marc and I go WAY back, and he’s a good friend. I wrote that little bio for him so, if you ever need one, yell and I’ll do my best for you!
3. And on the topic of friends. My dad once said to me: “your dog-like loyalty will either be the success or failure of you”…that rings true even more, now that I’m older. I’ve also realised, again, that it doesn’t matter how often you see your friends – the best ones do not change. It’s like you haven’t stopped talking since you last saw each other. I do love my friends.
4. That little Easter holiday was so good. I was, I will admit, very ill, over the long weekend. In all likelihood, I was down with a bug I could not identify. Shmooshy stepped in and was Parent Numero Uno for most of it, whilst I kinda did a bit of a dying swan act in the background. I love this man, through and through and all over again. I will make up for this little bit of kakness on our Easter weekend, and take us away for the weekend, somewhere sweet (thank you, oh dear lucky stars, for that little holiday I have been given – and, of course, for the friend who made it possible).
5. This, albeit short, school holiday has taught me that I can juggle. Even if it means keeping weird hours, I like this. To be very, very blunt – I doubted myself on that score. But, as I’m learning – and have learnt with particular sense this past week – my self-doubt…well, point 6.
6. A little while ago, I had a little rant. Those of you who were privy to it, know what it’s about…and it all stems back to the self-doubt I seem to love to give myself, and then berate myself for having. I’m on a mission, right now, to ferret out the very source of my self-doubt. I know it does not come from nowhere. I know it emanates from a place where I felt affected by something. I realised where one of my biggest pieces of self-doubt came from – and it was said to me, in passing, many years ago.
7. Now, I know that I sound a little like I am blaming my insecurities on someone else. Fact is – that stuff comes from somewhere, right? Whether it’s an event, a teacher, a friend, whoever. Heck, I even wrote about it over here in another context. I’ve made it my own little mental mission to think back to the kak that’s been said to me over the years and isolate the exact moment where I feel I became unsure about something. I’m often jealous of people who can remain entirely unaffected by rubbish, and I know someone quite well who is exactly like that. The downside to that dis-affectedness, as she once told me, is that she feels like she never really feels anything. I wouldn’t want that. So, I am an affected person, proudly. I process and hope for better.
8. For example, a very dear friend of mine wrote me the most amazing email on the weekend. In it, she detailed how proud she was of me, for my writing work. If you know me at all personally, you’ll know that this person…for her to say that to me…is akin to winning a Nobel prize and being handed the Universal sceptre and crown for a day. I will never be able to thank her enough for that email. It annihilated that little dancing demon in the back of my head that said “you’re actually quite crap at what you do, and your passion is misdirected”…which is more or less what a judge in a short story competition once told me about my writing many years ago.
9. I feel stunned by these revelations, to be quite frank. Realising that so much of the bad-self-talk-monologue I carry around in my head can actually be isolated back to one incident in my life…has been liberating. I’m not saying I feel better about myself, but I do damn well have a good idea now…of what I need to do.
10. And that’ll take some courage. Lucky for me, I have a circle of very brave friends and family. Lucky for me, courage is in my genetic code, too.
11. That courage I write of. It appears that genetic code I speak of, lives on quite strongly in my little person. After a crazy-ass day a few days ago, that included a drowned rat impersonation for me…I heard the words “attacks each task with tenacity and enthusiasm“. I could not ask for more.
12. If I look to my right, I’ll see a little patch of garden right now, that reminds me of that tenacity. It also reminds me of incredible love, family and how very, very lucky I am.