in 2008, i took a break from being here.
now, in 2011, i have to face it again.
on Wednesday, I have to do something. something that sinks like a stone into my chest and deep down into my stomach.
I have to face him.
I have to face him and tell people what he did. I have to speak, eloquently, without error, and remain calm.
How the FUCK am I supposed to remain calm when what happened forever altered my life? Forever altered my ability to trust. Forever altered the life of the very person I live for.
How. the. fuck.
Someone who I respect told me to do it “cool, calm, collected”.
I’m hardly collected. I want to say something to the person closest to me but I cannot get the words out. I cannot bear to make the sounds that round the words that bring it all to technicolour life again.
I’ve moved forward. I’ve taken back. I have reclaimed as much of this grounding as I can. And I have succeeded. I feel like this is pulling me back. Right back. Right back to the gibbering wreck who could not type. The one who had so begun to unfurl her petals to the world, and shut them right up tight again. They wilted, they keened for the light. But still they would not unfold.
It took more love and trust than was ever known before, for them to begin to unfold again. And thank fuck for that.
The time has come to face it again. And I can’t say it. I wish I could just blurt it out. All I can do is text some of you and know that you’re there. And that, that means the stars to me right now. All the stars, every single one. Thank you.
This is why I haven’t been writing. I’ve known this has been coming. It’s like a tornado I can see in the distance but I can’t sound the alarm for.
The silent panic. I want it to be over.