My friend Louisa very kindly turned me on to this book – Sea and Sand. The topic is, unfortunately but fortunately, something that is very close to my heart. Sea and Sand centers on the story of two turtles, Timmy and Erin, who meet, fall in love, make babies and, well, their happily ever after isn’t the one they dreamt of but, it is a happily ever after in the end.
Using the analogy of sea vs land turtles, the author covers the subject of divorce, and enables parents, through reading the story to their children, to empower their progeny with knowledge about divorce or the end of a relationship. I have, sadly, been through this situation twice. Twice?, you ask. Well, yes, twice. Once, with Cam’s dad, and again, years later, when a significant long-term relationship with someone ended. Both times, I had to explain to Cameron that the person she had come to rely on as a stable in her life would not be around anymore. In truth, the parting of her father and I happened when Cam was very young – just 18 months old, but of course she has and always will ask questions about why her mom and dad don’t live together. The second time it happened, Cam was much older, and much more aware. That made it harder to process because we had both emotionally invested in the relationship, and she had learnt the comfort of this person in her life. In her father’s case, our strong relationship, which is rich in history and spanned our whole lives, buoys us through the sometimes tumultuous ground of co-parenting. I wouldn’t give up my friendship with her father for the world, and we both work actively towards ensuring that our daughter is secure in the knowledge that we love her unconditionally. In the case of the other relationship, I have no connection to that person any more, because they’ve severed it through ignorance. I roll with the punches on that one, mostly because I have an amazing and inspiring partner in life now, who you all know about. He is accepting, engaging, supportive and loving to both of us. Cam and I are thankful for him every single day. It’s not the happily ever after I expected but, wow, we’re blessed with our happily ever after.
But, that’s us. Back to the book. This book made me cry at the end. Whilst Timmy and Erin don’t end up living their dreamt-of happily ever after, they do create a life based on love for their children. In the story, they see and accept each other’s differences, understand why they can’t be together (Timmy is a land turtle, whilst Erin is a sea turtle) and work out a plan for their children, where they have two homes, and are enveloped in love. Timmy and Erin work together to ensure that their turtle children understand that their mommy and daddy love them beyond words.
The foreword touched me, too. In it, Jonathan Lang, the author, writes a warm acknowledgement to his ex-wife and thanks her for support and openness towards the working relationship that is required to ensure that children both survive, and thrive, through a divorce or separation.
The first line of the story is: “The first important thing to remember about turtles, is that there are no good turtles and no bad turtles…just turtles”. That line sums up the approach that I wish everyone could take towards a separation, especially when there are children involved. Mommy’s not the bad one, Daddy’s not the bad one, nobody’s the bad one. There are just people, working through this thing called life and love.
I’ll be reading this story to Cam tonight. I thank the author for it, because it affirmed within me the approach that Cam’s dad and I took towards our separation and roles as co-parents. Every day, I am thankful to my daughter’s father, for his boundless love towards his daughter, and that that is all that matters in the end.