Sometimes, in life, little things come along, quite unexpectedly, and reassure you in relation to something you have done or felt.
Sometimes, it’s the little things.
Like, recently, as a result of someone else’s stupidity, I got a little glimpse towards an answer to a question that has been hanging over my head for many, many years now.
If I were to be honest, it’s been hanging over my head for most of my life.
If I were to be brutal, I’d kick myself for not really grasping it properly.
If I were to be cruel, you’d kick yourself for being so absolutely stupid for doing what you did, or rather, didn’t do.
What happened, so inadvertedly, gave me the inside scoop I’d spent years clamouring for. In fact, I realised I wasted so much of myself by giving you me.
Spent so much time trying to be helpful. Be useful. Be more than you needed so that you’d never feel alone. To the extent that I was left feeling more alone than ever.
And then, then I realise, I realise, again, I did the right thing. It assuaged that minute bit of doubt that hangs over my head and tugs at my heart when someone quite close to me misses you. You see, I’ve always known it was the right thing. But, knowing and doing, and further, doing without guilt is just so way harder.
If I were to be absolutely horrific, I could say you had the best of any world any person could ask for…
And you fucked it up so royally.
I pulled you from hell, walked straight through it with you, defended you when I was defenceless myself.
I apologised for you, excused you, bent for you and my fuck, never demanded anything of you.
Last night, whilst reading that which you left behind (you are such a numbnut), I realised something that I lived in denial of.
That whilst I knew it was true, I, for the sake of someone else, rosied it up and dug to find every splinter of good I could. Sometimes even waxing over the parts that stuck blades into my back.
I realised, last night, that you never loved me at all.
I gotta say, it was one of the most empowering moments I have ever had the pleasure to witness for myself.
And all I have now is gratitude towards myself that I did it. That I do it. That I allowed myself the exit strategy, even when the world told me not to.
I’m left with this overwhelming sense of thankfulness that you are just an old love.
Oh, and one more thing, because I know you’re reading this… Hi. Considering you treat me like I’m some kind of annoying client, be prepared for me to treat you in the same way. Oh, and don’t be stupid, I’m not hateful. I’m released. So released. You seem to have walked into some weird kind of bobhaired jail. Good luck with that. Like you said to me once, that you wanted nothing to do with my stuff…I want nothing to do with yours. So, no, I won’t respond to your whining. Go save yourself.
I had to.