Every time..
Every time the guilt i carried for so long about choosing to raise my child alone wells up inside me and I cry (yeah, I’m a crier. you could never handle it. And you always wondered why Will and I are closer than you and I could EVER be. it’s simple. he never stared at me like i was a freak when I was crying or told me I was pathetic. he would hug me. Still does. Nowadays I don’t want you near me at all, if I can help it).
Every time she says she misses you. Cries because you haven’t come to visit and I blame myself for kicking you out.
Every time I wonder if I really did try hard enough. (ten years, i think is a brilliant effort without support, thanks)
Every time you turn emo and cry about not seeing her enough. (and still, I always make it possible for you to see her more, you never take the opportunity)
Every time I think you’re treating her like you did me for having an emotion. Every time I see you say “don’t be silly” just like you did to me every time I hurt. Every time you ashamedly shake your head and negate the feelings of anyone but yourself.
Every time you say you are too busy. You were always too busy for me too.
Every time you do that. I remember why I chose to leave you. I remember why I chose to do this on my own. And it’s funny, because it turns out I am not alone. Not alone in doing this. Ever. The most alone I ever was was when I was with you.
Every time that happens. Every time I feel like the bad person. I’m going to remember that all I want for our daughter is emotional security. And that you never gave that to me, and you’ll never give it to her. It’s a good thing I rock the mama bus as much as I do. (and, yes, I do, even though you think I don’t most days).
Every time I cover up for you being late/forgetting something that’s important to her. Every time I make the excuse for you (I spent my life doing it for you to everyone. Now I’ll just do it for her.) and you remain the hero and I am burdened with knowing that you’re not and never, ever telling her that.
Every time you judge me. Every time you judge me for keeping you at the arms length you kept me at for every day of my life.
Every time that happens I am going to remember today. Today when you forgot to be on time and you didn’t get your own daughter a birthday present.
Today is the day I drop the guilt, and today is the day I know, for sure and without guilt, that serving you an eviction letter after you disappeared for the millionth time was the best decision I ever, ever made for myself, for Cameron and for our life.
That is all I’m ever going to say on this matter.