Today’s the Day.

No further motions to defend can be filed.

I didn’t expect a fight, much less welcome one.

But you know that hopeful weird sprite that doesn’t quite give up?

Yeah, she was still talking at 4am this morning when I woke up.

But, there it is. You did not fight. Neither did I.

And while there may be a million words and ways to release this, and unleash this…it still stings.

“I remembered you the moment I met you.”

I have to leave this here now, because that’s what we agreed to do. I hope you can too, although I am aware that your laser-focused obstinance means you won’t. It was always something I admired of you, and still do. Somewhere, within my head, I thought you might fight this. But you did not. Neither did I.

I put down my weapons and let you take every punch you wanted to. I don’t believe for a moment that there is a single point of blame, even though you want there to be. That’s fine. I let you have it. I let you take every punch and opportunity. Not because I owe it to you. But because I know the fight isn’t worth it. It would only destroy what wafer-thin this there is, and I somehow still believe that – for all the reasons we’ve listed before – that it’s worth something.

I read the notes on the file, and smiled. The things said were so you, and so immaculately recorded, I couldn’t help but laugh. I read the tiny figures and the numbers, and tried to find peace in them.

And then I realised that the peace was not in the paperwork. It was in the things I was doing to create, not destroy. It was found in the things I was focused on, and not on the things that seek to distract me. It was in the things I had stepped into, and not walked backwards into. It was in the moments I could find meaning, and not in the ones that kept me searching for it. It was in the things that kept me rolling forward, and not the things I looked back on. You know how terribly difficult it is for me to not look back: it’s a way of life for me, so entrenched into my nature that every date and moment has a meaning I can reflect upon over the years. But, this is the one thing I know I have to stop myself from looking back on. It is no longer fair to me, nor to you, or anyone else.

And then, of course, because of this, it’s near-impossible for me to do the next thing. You know too well that it’s a mountain I can nearly not move out my own way. But I must. So do you.

It’s time to move on now.

 

 

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