sea.ess.em.jay

notes from underneath the table

You Never Really Think…
You never really think you’re going to get divorced, and then you kinda end up there, wondering how the things you (sensibly) planned for anyway, somehow ended up being the main plan, even when the main plan looked nothing like this. You make the In Case Plan, with ...
Your Thirteenth Birthday
[My daughter turns 13 today. Every year, I write her a letter. This one has been slightly modified for the public eye. She gets the original.] My darling girl, You’re thirteen. Thirteen! How did that happen, when you were – just a second ago – blowing bubbles and ...
I can’t wish you a Happy Birthday
Dear Mum, The last time I got to wish you a Happy Birthday was when you turned 67. In 2010. You would not live much longer. But how much time is “much longer”? Well, for this particular scenario, it was less than 4 months. By that time, you ...
The Language of Letting Go
I’ve always maintained that parenting hit me like a brick and a cushion. A brick, because the jarring, unyielding, transformations that you go through are neither kind nor easy. And, a cushion, because there is ethereal comfort to be found in creating and sustaining a whole life beyond ...
10 Things.
Traditionally, I’ve written a lot to myself (into the void), or passed notes from underneath the table to others. Those letters, written to everyone from my parents, to my child, to my husband, to my friends, are the things I often can’t say in person, but have to ...