Adages and Inadequacies

I know, I know. You know that old adage…

“The shoemaker’s children are never shod”.

It’s true. As the world has swirled up and I write more and more for everywhere else (which is what we all wanted, anyway! so thank the stars for that!), so this blog of mine – the very thing I love and from which this all, originally started…has been neglected. I’m not here to make some wild promise that I’ll blog to make up for it, or here to delete the whole thing and pretend it never happened. Neither would make me happy.

So, I’ll beat myself up a little more and quip that, in September 2008, I blogged 22 times and, well, at that time, we were going through some pretty horrific stuff and I actually stopped blogging for a bit. Comparatively, this September? This is my second blogpost for this month.

Okay, okay, I’m done whining. So I’ll do this. I’ll make you a lovely playlist, and I’ll bore you with something I found. You ready? Good. Let’s do this.

The Playlist. Here’s a list of songs that are keeping me company this evening:

I have absolutely no idea why I like this song but, there it is:


This song sounds like it should’ve been playing in the background of my life in 2007.  It reminds me so much of one of my favourite movies, that absolutely nobody likes to watch with me. Hah.


This song is almost perfect. The only issue I have with it is that – well – the live version is better than any other version in existence.


This is another song that sounds better live than it does on an album. Frankly, the album version is an embarrassment in comparison to this version.


Maybe that’s the point. 

Maybe, as I’ve illustrated in the songs above, life’s better when it’s up close and messy, lived out loud.

I was chatting to a friend of mine this week, about loud emotions and responses to life’s tricksy situations. It was at the end of a day that had left me feeling frayed and gulping. But just talking to him about bigger life things, large concepts (that day had a little *too* much reality in it for me…) helped. It gave me perspective and, truth? When I’m gulping at the end of a day, I do need perspective.

The crazy, intimidating nature of messy, loud life emotions can make us want to cower and run away. But, if we do, we’ll just be stuck listening to those bland, album cut versions of the songs we kinda don’t like that way. I don’t think I was made for the clean cut hum of album tracks. Neither were you, my friend.

And then, that part from the past I promised you.

Source: Flickr (click on image for original)

I was cleaning up my bookmarks the other day and, I found a bunch of things I published somewhere and then forgot about. This one is six years old. Forgive me, I was going through an “e.e. cummings” phase. 

your hair smells like oranges this evening.
you put your little arms around me and say

“i love you mommy. i sorry i cried when you say no”

i look at you and kiss your head
we cuddle up on the couch
and watch the most annoying dvd of all time
(kidsongs. parents, just do not buy them. please)

you love it.
the singularly-expressioned children

fascinate you
with their silly songs
and little antics

i don’t care that it is giving me a headache.
this uncomfortable position does not bother me.
and you could not care that i have  not showered yet. 

not a single thing matters
not the bills on the table
the wolves at the door
not the deadlines
or the screaming phone calls

not what i did or did not
not how i looked or not
not the smile or the grimace
not a single achievement or failure.

everything in the world that matters
is snuggled under my chin

*csmj – 2008*


The I and the U.

you are
Inconvenient and Unkind.

helpful at first
nowhere to be found at the end

when i am in need
you are unavailable
when i am unavailable
you are in need

i’d like to show you to the world
but you stay in and immerse yourself in yourself

i spend most days creating conversation in my head
things i wish i had said one day
most of these things i have said to you
sometimes i cannot believe i had the courage.

i summon the bliss of not knowing you
but to do so means to not know myself.

as we are.

particularly for the two of us who cannot leave the house today and are sitting on opposite ends of the fishbowl.

(not mine)

predictable as we are
we laugh at the same jokes and watch similar movies and have tastes much alike sort or less and use nothing than our intellectual talents

dependable as we are
we start off on our first trip to paris and though we travel our own highways we only degrade those who degrade us

foreseeable as we are
we turn black into white and the other way around
and you loving your cheese and wine and me loving everything that at least is a little bit unacceptable

acceptable as we are
we let our functions work properly and much more we do not share any secrets
sometimes the thought of that is frightening

amicable as we are
we both laugh and cry submit to our own fears and have simultaneous experiences have our do’s and our don’t’s some for the better and some for the worse why even care

lovable as we are
we shake hands and ceremonial gatherings our friendliness postponed to better moments and our likeabilities postponed to those dear to us

unforgettable as we are
we love our midnight conversations
thank god lack matching outfits and do not listen to the same music though we know what we are when we are together and know what we aren’t when we are seperated

dysfunctional as we are
lacking some sense in our lives yet somehow making it through each day

sightseeable as we are
we know where we are altogether honest and open
it’s a dirty world but we manage to survive with our evergrowing love fears and trust and wisdom overall intact

a few more facts.

1. a previously good spam filter is now SOOO not working. SOOOO badly not working. did it take a public holiday?
2. i love that you phone me from the airport so that i can groupie out about glenn.
3. i loathe my storytelling. apparently, according to sources close, i’m bloody good at it. sad part? i always feel like a knob when i’m ‘in it’. i get past it, though. usually when someone laughs.
4. i still have my 21 things. looks like i may actually wait forever on them.
5. I love being around very funny people who have no shame. you are one of these people and that’s a quote.
6. I love when I look someone in the eyes and they don’t look away. that’s also a quote.
7. last quote. this time it’s mine though. all mine:

I have tasted you on my breath every day of my life
I have heard your voice long before I could listen
I have marred and created and loved and hated long before your life crashed into mine
I have expanded and slimmed down and blown up and crossed out and seen and done
So long before you even knew
I have repressed and expressed things I wonder if you have even begun
(I already know you have but you won’t share them with me)
I have admired and extinguished things you have too
I have purged and hoarded the same bags of trash you left on the kerb
And yet neither of us can let them go

we battle to let things go.

the salt of the earth.

the core of the apple
the crusty heel of bread
the stem of the daisy
the sun’s very first ray
the speckles of sand that make up the rock we’re all sitting on

the eyes of a newborn
the melody in a bird’s song
the fur on my cat
the scales of a goldfish as it swims circles in it’s bowl

the souls of a million lost ghosts
the wind that makes the air blow warm
the dewdrops freshly splattered on the lawn
the apple pie as it cools on the windowsill

for the salt of the earth
is not some forgotten mineral
to be dug out from under some petrified tree

the salt of the earth
is sitting here
holding hands with me.

dear whoever

dear precious

where are you in the world tonight?

are you still in your head

or is someone else hogging the spotlight on the stage of your life?

dear resilient

where are you in the world tonight?

are you still feeling alive

or are you numbed by the inconsequential actions of the omniscient they?

dear hopeful

where are you in the world tonight?

are you still lighting candles on the beach

or have they all been extinguished by callous winds?

dear schoolbound

where are you in the world tonight?

are you still dived in, nose all burrowed

or are you throwing away your shackles, are they being ripped away?

dear naive

where are you in the world tonight?

are you still open and bright and relatively unblemished

or are you tired and drawn, and really not so naive after all?

dear driven

where are you in the world tonight?

are you still in the office, burnt by fluorescent light

or have you learnt that the buck only stops where you let it?

dear precocious

where are you in the world tonight?

are you still skilfully avoiding trouble again and flirting with the world

or are you locked away and huddled in your own self-oblivion?

dear headstrong

where are you in the world tonight?

are you still screaming your head off, mouth wide open, testifying to your own freedom

or are you complacently taking a bow and shutting up for once, like a good little girl?

dear terrified

where are you in the world tonight?

are you still crying in the corner and wishing the ghosts away

or are you fighting the demons, sword on sword?

dear ahead of your time

where are you in the world tonight?

are you still off on a tangent foretelling another future

or has foreboding rammed your wisdom into a box?

dear big time

where are you in the world tonight?

are you still shining in the splendour of your own garrulousness

or have your eyes started to squint in the bright lights of little big me?

dear ruthless

are you still tossing them out along the way

and treading on their heads to get to the next one

or have you been tossed away and forgotten now too?

dear so-like-me-it’s-funny

are you still so like me it’s funny

or am i more like you?

i oscillate.

I oscillate between insecurity and not caring.

I oscillate between complete self control and complete insanity.

I oscillate between love and hate and life and death

Every morning I awaken and my mind spins around the concepts.

And, sadly, one cannot take a holiday from one’s mind.

I should not eat bananas before bed.

I should not drink four-sugared coffees before bed.

I should not smoke before bed.

I should not let my mind wander before bed.

It goes to places unreturnable and without deposit.


I oscillate between greed and contentment

Between envy and compassion.

Between wishing for the phone to ring and willing silence abounding.


I oscillate between the words in my head and the words being typed.

Between being just like you and just like me.

I have yet to find the balance.

I oscillate between wanting to and not wanting to.

Between strength and weakness.

Between being lost in thought and not thinking at all for days at a time.

I oscillate between wanting to escape and hoping I never end up away.


I oscillate between my fat and my thin.

My happy and my sad.

My loud and my quiet.

My lonely and my companioned.

My sleep and my wakeful.

My love and my hate.

My repetition and my never-to-be-sad-agains.

My intelligence and my stupidity.

I have yet to find the balance.

My biting my nails to the quick and my lack of habits.

My smoking and my clear lungs.

My fear and my solace.

My musty books and my sunny, fresh air.

My running and my walking.

My serenity and my chaos.

My love and my hate.

I oscillate.