perspective – sea.ess.em.jay

New Glasses

I signed up for new glasses a few weeks back. Here’s the thing: I’ve been wearing the same pair I got in 2002. The one lens is popping out, they’re scratched as all heck and…I cannot work without them. Heck, I used to think that cigarettes were my essential ingredient for writing but, as it turns out, it’s my glasses.

Please don’t think I’ve gone all that time…not getting my eyes tested. I did. In fact, in 2010, I got myself a beautiful new pair with smart frames and that just felt so great on my face. They worked well for watching TV and work, and I was pleased as all hell with them.

Of course, I lost them. Not just on my head, mind you, but really lost them. So, I went back to my trusty beauts with the one lens trying to pull a Houdini on me.

And that’s where I’ve been ever since. Well, until two weeks ago.

Having my eyes tested was a, er, test in itself. As it turns out, my eyesight is so far removed from what my previous, trusty, lens-popping pair of spectacles could help, that I may as well have been applying Zambuk to my eyelids and then trying to decipher hieroglyphics using just a match and some fine twine.

Thankfully, I now have two new pairs of beautiful glasses, set for my eyesight as it is today, and I’ll be having my peepers tested again in six months.

What’s the point of my Saturday night ramble? Well, there’s ~~two~~ three points, really:

As I worked today, my hand – as per habit – reached out for my glasses before I started typing. I put on my old glasses (I can’t bear to throw them away) and had my new glasses on my head the whole time. No wonder I hated this morning. When I realised the error, I finally put my old spectacles in their box and stashed them in the bookcase. Now that I’m wearing my new ones, this screen seems exceptionally large, and I keep hitting “zoom out” to make it feel normal again. That said, it’s quite nice to not be stabbing at the keyboard with blurry precision. My point? Don’t be too hard on yourself when you’re trying something new.
They’re taking some getting used to, but I’ll get there. Hopefully soon, I’ll have adjusted to using these beautiful gogglebits and they’ll feel good on my face. And yes, I got two pairs, in case I lose one, as is my routine. My point? Adjustment is a process, but you’ll need to sign up for it if you want to actually see clearly in life.
Change is hard though, and it’s doubly hard if you feel like it was foisted on you. I’ve felt that way before though, so I reckon it’ll just take some time. I talked about having change foisted on yourself here, too.

Also, not reading as much news as I was… No, that’s wrong. By committing to not scrolling news sites seven times a day, and trying to not be refreshing my social media feeds every ten seconds, I’m quite enjoying taking a little step back from the world. It feels too jangly and jarring right now and, hey, sometimes we do just need a little nap from it all. I know I’ll be back to my eager eyeball ways again soon, and with a new pair of glasses to peek out at the world within (and beyond) my screen.

In the meantime, here’s a picture of a cat. We could probably all do with looking at pictures of cats right now.

Disconnection and Reconnection

I was relatively verbose about taking a true break from this wild streets of the Internet during then holiday season. It took a lot of willpower to work myself towards the place where I uninstalled apps, turned off a bunch of notification settings and eased my eyes away from the screen.

Deadlines and The No Game
Because work is a fluid, and often flurried, attempt at making things happen and ensuring we’re all still eating, it goes against my nature to turn things down. But I was determined to and – to be really honest – it sucked, because it felt like I was disappointing people. To turn down a job that entered my inbox about ten minutes before I said I was shutting up shop for the year was a turning point for me – but it was one I had to take. Had I accepted it, I would’ve ended up working through the holiday season and, for yet another year running, have locked eyes with my daughter over my monitor, and not the Monopoly board. On that note, I probably disappointed a few people this holiday season. But the truth is, I didn’t disappoint the life in front of me.

Relief
But I’m glad I did it. Without the distractions of my phone bleeping every five minutes (oh the emails came in, I just didn’t read them until many days later… if you needed me during the holidays, you could text me), I slowed down. It took me about a week to really start feeling like I was no longer in hyperdrive but, when the relief hit, I swam with that current. And it was good.

Delinking
So good, in fact, that I started to realise a few things. These were them:

Not everyone expects you to reply to an email within 25 seconds. In fact, most of them can wait a day and, if not, they’ll phone you. Promise.
Absolutely nothing feels sweeter than not waking up to an alarm clock. I want to work on waking up naturally every day, if that’s even possible.
There is a lot of joy to be found in spending six hours playing Monopoly and not worrying about deadlines.
You probably need to do this a little more often than you’ve let yourself (this is the first time I’ve taken a true break and not worked – even a little bit – in many, many years).
Taking three hours to cook dinner is a delicious way of wiling away some time and not feel like you’re eating in a hurry.
The perspective gained from logging off is far bigger and more important than the one you gain from logging in every day.
Taking a day to do absolutely nothing is sublime. I used to have this rule that we would do this at least once a month… and then I realised we hadn’t done it at all for a very long time. I need to reinstate our Do Nothing Days.
I have a compelling need for things to have a beginning and an end point. Life doesn’t always work like that though, so leave some space for meandering stories and stop waiting for everyone to ‘get to the point’. Sometimes, the story is magical just because it is.
Read more books. Read way more books. You really need that.
You are enough, even when you’re not doing anything particularly productive. It is okay to not be doing something, some of the time.

I’m back now – reconnected and logged back in, but I’ve kept some apps uninstalled on my phone, and become a little picky about what I’ll let bleep at me throughout the day. Maybe it’s not that I needed to disconnect at all, it’s that I needed to reconnect, but do it on terms I was consciously aware of. After all, I realised that on the days I feel powerless to the whirls and windmills of what I face before me, I have the power to turn away from it and focus instead on the life lived in front of me.

Living on the edge?

No, it’s not just an Aerosmith song, although you should probably listen to it now, because it’ll help me get my point across.

I read this, this week, and find myself wholly believing in it. It’s articulated the way I’ve been thinking for a while and, hey, when so many of us are stripped of ‘safety nets’ we’re taught to need, we starts thinking differently. We’re getting quickly to the point where we don’t need more money to throw at things (including problems), but we need more effort.

Reading the news this week too (I actually went out and bought the newspaper for a change, during the week), and it struck me that, well, adults aren’t the solution.

I’ve long maintained that the world would probably be in a far better state if we (aka, the adults) let the preschoolers rule us for a bit.

And frankly, the more that this year speeds by, things pile up and the anger within everyone grows, I can’t help but feel that it’d be a good way forward.

I mean, wouldn’t you?

There would be no corporate monopolies. Anyone trying to monopolise an industry would be told by their fellow playmates to share or else they would not be allowed to play with any of the toys.

Nobody would be allowed to call anyone nasty names. There would be no dessert for anyone insulting anyone else in the media.

Naptimes would be obligatory every day. Anyone who did not nap would be grumpy and well, grumpy playmates are ignored in the sandpit.

Regular, repeated watching of Gummi Bears would be a treat and the norm. In every motivational book we read as adults, we’re told to channel our inner child. What better way than to settle in and watch a little of what made our childhood great?

Our imaginations would reign supreme and, every day, we could choose to be whoever we wanted to be. Everyone wants to be a princess, right? Or a cowboy? Yep, go ahead and do it. Again, we toil away behind our monitors every day and are told to “get creative”. Our imaginations are our greatest creations. So, frankly, be a princess or a tiger, if you like.

There would be no war. Simple, really. Have you ever tried to negotiate with a five-year old? I’m willing to bet you’d end up striking a deal that left both parties happy. Negotiations around a boardroom table would run much more smoothly if they were executed with crayons, than if they were all white-papered and gazetted.

Our animals would be loved and played with, not left tied up in the garden like some adults do.

Bathtime would be our favourite time of the day. There would be no rushed showering, just so we can head back to our laptops in the evening. We’d be rubber duck-playing and blowing bubbles whilst we cleaned.

Every day would end with a good night song and a story.

Holding hands would be the most important thing to do when we’re out of the house. We’d stick together and we’d be safer.

Good manners would rule everything we do. Yes, even in traffic. No, you may not cut that guy off in the traffic, that would be rude. And rudeness means no ice cream for you.

Talking would be more about exploring a story as it unfolds in your mind, in comparison to just rushing to get your own point across, and jostling for your position in the conversation.

We’d ask more questions. We’d explore more. We’d live a little more slowly.

We’d spend more time being fascinated by the flowers, rather than wondering how we could tame them into a neat bush that doesn’t impinge upon our walkway.

We’d love more. We’d simply love more.

thank you.

I realise I write, think, speak alot about gratitude. I’m not religious, not in any conventional sense, nor am I the most gracious of people. I am, to the strongest point possible, as honest as I can be at any time. I have my faults, I have my own judgements that I cast upon myself and I totally believe that I can be a better person, every day. I’m a big believer that life is a work in progress, and that it’s all about the journey. I know that I’m trying to be that better person.

Sometimes, though, because I am human and therefore given to self-absorbed behaviour, I start to lose sight of that. I sometimes battle to overcome what appears to be the simplest misgiving, or the tiniest event.

But, on the roundabout of life, you do gain one thing. Perspective.

It’s been a Monday. Busy and, overall, a bit of a hard day to keep perspective. I am determined though. I’ve had a lot to think about. So, here is my perspective today:

I am thankful for:

1. Family. In whatever way they appear around you, and whatever your relationship with them, family are the people who knew you when you peed your pants, and still love you, even when you can be hard to love. The only biological family I have left are my siblings and Cam. And I treasure them, more than I can tell them.

2. Family. Yeah, I said that twice. I meant it. The people who become like your family, and your heart and mind consider them so. They win their way into your life, and your heart. They’re the people you call when you have news, whether it’s good or bad. They’re the ones who you can speak your soul to, and not have to worry that you sound stupid. For me, they’re the people I trust my heart with, that I trust Cameron’s heart with, and with whom I am at home. It’s a very strange sensation, because with not having my parents anymore, somehow, the Universe has still given back…and now I have a bigger family than I ever thought I did. Cam and I are so blessed by the family love we have been surrounded with. The family that makes up my family. The family that makes up the army of people who love us, just as we are.

3. Friends. The people who take the time to remind you that you’re not insane, just silly. And they love you for that silliness. True friends don’t need to speak all the time, but you know they are there. Sometimes you don’t need someone to talk to, you just need someone to sit with you. Cam and I are very rich in friends.

4. Love. Enduring love. Love that sees straight past my own sometimes idiotic tendencies, and is infinite without condition. Something I never really knew of before and do now. My heart rests here.

5. Home. The roof over our head, filled with love and cosiness. Our television with its sixty-seventh re-run of Strawberry Shortcake on, and crayons all over the floor. Dishes in the sink from dinner, and a bathroom with bottles of bubbles.

6. Work. Even though everybody (don’t lie now, dudes, don’t lie) lives for the weekend, holiday, pay-day…I have work. It keeps me busy and keeps us afloat. It lets me give Cameron the necessities for living. It enables me to live the life we create.

7. Food. Damn, that dinner was good. Sometimes I’m still amazed I can make it. This coming from the girl who didn’t know how to boil an egg when she first moved out of home. True story. Ask anyone who I had over for dinner, circa 2001, and they’ll tell you about the half-frozen dinners and dodgy meals. Heh.

8. My daughter. You see, Cam was not expected. Like all the wonderful and great things in my life, it is always the unexpected that truly makes my life worth it. And there she was. And there she is, sleeping now. Probably dreaming of princesses, mermaids and cake. Her simple perspective on life at every turn keeps me grounded. She is the biggest blessing I have ever received. Every day, when we get home and recount our best and worst parts of the day, I am awed by her little stories of life. They say that when you become a parent, your heart begins to beat outside of your body. It’s entirely true.

9. Hope. Even when life gets hard, there’s always hope.

10. Learning. The opportunity of learning lurks around the corner in every day. Within the ability to learn and gain new knowledge, in whatever form, lies an immense joy.

11. Attitude. Being able to choose your approach to whatever situation. It’s you that determines your attitude, every day.

Excuse the rhyme but…

Today my attitude is gratitude.

If the pre-schoolers were in power…

There would be no corporate monopolies. Anyone trying to monopolise an industry would be told by their fellow playmates to share or else they would not be allowed to play with any of the toys.

Nobody would be allowed to call anyone nasty names. There would be no dessert for anyone insulting anyone else in the media.

Naptimes would be obligatory every day. Anyone who did not nap would be grumpy and well, grumpy playmates are ignored in the sandpit.

Our animals would be loved and played with, not left tied up in the garden like some adults do.

Every day would end with a good night song, and a story.

Holding hands would be the most important thing to do when we’re out of the house. We’d stick together and we’d be safer.

Good manners would rule everything we do. Yes, even in traffic. No, you may not cut that guy off in the traffic, that would be rude. And rudeness means no ice-cream for you.

Talking would be more about exploring a story as it unfolds in your mind, in comparison to just rushing to get your own point across, and jostling for your position in the conversation.

We’d ask more questions. We’d explore more. We’d live a little more slowly.

We’d spend more time being fascinated by the flowers, rather than wondering how we could tame them into a neat bush that doesn’t impinge upon our walkway.

We’d love more. We’d simply love more.