1/Work. There is a lot of it and my time is pressured and short.
2/Home. We have to find a new one.
3/Loss. I feel like I’ve lost more than I can handle this year. I realise that the time where my heart would realise, fully, that I don’t have my mom or my dad anymore would come. It’s come.
4/Writing. It’s weird. I just can’t write right now. Because my brain is just flummoxed with work right now, and I need time away from my computer to just.breathe.
5/The constants. The constants in my life. My beautiful Cameron. My wonderful Shmooshy. My amazing friends. These are the things that keep me going right now. If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of them.
6/I feel like I’m in the waiting room of life right now. Working very hard whilst they call my number. And, I am. For now, I realise, the Universe is telling me so many things. All of them point towards making me, more me again. Towards the one thing that I love the most – home. Loss hits you in weird ways. It never tells you how. But, when it does, it does.
7/Looking back. Looking back over the last year of my life, I see the most joy and the most tears. The joy comes from my constants. The tears from the loss I now feel.
8/There’s nothing wrong with feeling it. The hardest part is admitting to it.
9/I admit it.
10/4 am. Cam woke me up at 4am to play dolls. I could’ve told her I just wanted to sleep. But, no, playing with Cam is far more important than sleep. It’s more important than writing this. It’s more important than anything. When I was very little, my mom would wake up early and play with me. It was our special time, the time when the world was still sleeping and there was just us. The time I had with Cameron this morning reminded me of that. It’s so precious and I will do anything in my power to have more of that time, that wonderful quiet time for her and I.
11/The cave. Sheena and I talk about the cave alot. We know each other’s well. She knows I’m in mine. And it’s so weirdly lovely…this time, though, I’m not alone in my cave. I have my constants and they are with me. Always. I feel such comfort and love here. I don’t feel alone. Not feeling alone is the most liberating feeling I’ve ever experienced.
12/I love you my friends. I love you my Shmoo. I love you my Cam. I’m the luckiest girl and mama in the world. My life is so rich with people. My life is golden with you in it. You are the golden light at the end of the tunnel, and I never knew how bright it could shine. Til there was all of you. I heart my army of me. x
Lucky, lucky me. I may be quieter than usual with the blog updates right now. I apologise. I’m still here. I promise.