Dear Daughter, on 2014.

Dear Daughter,

And so we’re leaving this year behind. This is the year where you grasped knowledge by its feet and pulled. You learnt, and expanded and tingled at the promise of the things you were reading, learning and enquiring. You tugged at knowledge strings and they relented, bringing wave upon wave of things to learn your way.

You learnt to ask why, and have a reasonable expectation of the type of answer you would accept. There’s no more fooling you with a “because I said so” or “because I don’t know”. Now you’re pushing towards answers, that fulfill your need to learn, and your need to assimilate information. You’re leaning towards understanding things on your own terms.

You’ve learnt to break down concepts into segments that you can hold in your hand. That’s something that only came to me faaaaaar later in life, and I like to think you’ve realised that nothing is unmanageable, so long as you focus.


I’ve tried not to be a tiger mom but, sometimes, I see the merit in it. Gulp. If I had my way, darling, I’d have you still doing water play in the sand pit and examining bugs. But the world and your brain are far beyond my wants now. It’s all about you as you grow, and are excited by the opportunities it brings you.

Keep reading. You’re in a love affair with reading. Long may this love reign. Long may this mutually beneficial relationship feed you. It is mutually beneficial – the words were created to be read, and you are fulfilling their creation by reading. Through it, you’re fulfilling your own needs to enjoy and experience and love and cuddle up with a book. Keep cuddling up with those words – it will steel you more than you ever know, as you navigate life.

You’re no longer a small child. You are a soul that’s reaching out into the world, to tickle its feet and coax it into playing with you. Whilst my heart feels weak just contemplating it, I hope that I’ve given you a strong grounding, and that, as you play, you will stand up for yourself, and enjoy the experiences that life gives you. Grab those experiences, baby, and come tell me all about them. Despite what you will say at some point in your life towards me (probably), you will always have a place with me. Whatever happens, your mama has your back. And I have no fear in kicking anything that does not make you smile that smile. You know the one 😛

I’m so bouncingly proud of you. Your smile is the trampoline of my life.



Funny thing, life.

Three years ago today, I went out to dinner. I laughed so much, discovered a mind that shared many of my common interests (including Weird Al and required phone fiddling timeperiods during dinner) and didn’t care that pasta shouldn’t be eaten the first time you share a table together.

The next morning, I got on a plane and went to Cape Town for a week. That week changed me, reminded me and is the place I go back to in my head when I need quiet and a semblance of calm thought. It showed me friends I didn’t know I had and places in my head that were actually home beyond my own.

That dinner and that week was the nascent beginning for my new life. An absolutely unexpected surprise. A 360 kickflip that led me here. To this life. The one I live today, right now and right here.

a ridiculously appropriate post-it.

All I am is grateful.

Two women.

I have been lucky in my life. Ridiculously, gigantically lucky. Somehow, through great wisdom/serendipity/timing, I have spent my life being surrounded by incredible women.

My mother was the first, a tableau of school teachers the second. After that, a cornucopia of friends who grew into confidantes, who became beacons of light. As my life has progressed, regressed occasionally and been shunted unexpectedly forward over time, I have always been able to rely on the wisdom and support of amazing women. Every single one of these women, whether I see them every day or not. Whether they’re on my speed dial list or not. Whether I know them “in the computer” or not. Every single one of them has a space in my heart and sparks a fire in my head.

Perhaps my luckiest moment of all though, is that I have been given the duty and blessing to raise a wonderwoman of my own. My daughter is fast showing signs of a future global presidency but her compassion for all and good manners shine through every day.

Ten years ago today, I ended up in an interview. I was wearing heels, makeup and  a business suit. If you know anything about me at all, it is that I ditched that suit shortly thereafter. I was filled with the naivete of a 22 year old just starting out in the world, the cynicism of a girl who thought the world owed her just a little favour and the excitement of someone who had no cottonpicking clue what they were doing half the time.

How I ended up there is quite a story. You see, there was an interview about two years before then, where I insulted the boss, ashamedly confessed to being a nicotine addict and promptly wondered who the heck I was. For some absurd reason though, they liked me. I got that job and I loved every minute of it. I didn’t love it for the work, I loved it because it was the turning point in my life that led me to the point I am today. I was immersed into an environment that was supportive, sometimes frenetic, often hilarious and entirely honest. I’ll avoid a cliche here and not tell you that it was like home. It was the very first step I was able to take into a life of truth and self-worth.

It was through that interview that I met a woman who turned my life around. She taught me to be true to me. She fought with me when I wasn’t being true to myself and she loved me even when I was entirely unlovable. She would question me, force me into thinking when all I wanted to do was ignore everything and held my hand when I just wanted to cut it off. It was, and still is, her who inspired me to really write for myself. It is her I still look to when I hone my craft and it is her who indulges my ramblings when I realise things. She was then, and still is, my second mother. In an esoteric thought process, I like to believe that somehow, the Universe chose her to guide me. It is she who is my muse, my sounding board and my artistic heroine. I hear her voice in my internal monologues, and it forges me ahead to better my writing, think about what I do and listen primarily to my heart. I am, forever and always, indebted to her.

It is her who led me to that second interview, where I met the next woman who would change my life. Bear in mind please that the two of us emanate from two entirely different worlds. But, there is one thing we definitely see eye to eye on, and that’s passion. We sometimes have completely divergent passions and that causes us to butt heads. We sometimes battle to understand what on earth the other one is saying but, we determinedly stick it out. Very often though, we can read each other’s minds and often find that one of us has done something, before the other has asked for it. Some people battle to understand this relationship but we don’t. It is founded on a stone of the willingness to understand each other, even when one of us is yelling obscenities into the traffic of life. I am, forever and always, indebted to her too.

Both of these women have been with me through losing my parents and gaining myself. Both of them stuck with me when I hated myself and when I felt the world hated me. They believed in me, far beyond the extent of my own faith. They saw within me the potential to be the person I wanted to be, before I even knew who that was.

They believe in me, every single day. They’re not dissuaded by my self-deprecation. They’re without concern about my self-doubt. They operate entirely from a place of love and focus. I am, forever and always, indebted to them for their attention.

Without them, I would never have written. Without them, I would not know what I do today. Without them, I would have a poorer life and I would lack the strength to continue to operate from a place of self-truth. They are the people who inspire me to be more of me, and less of what the world asks of me.

They are my ultimate inspirations and every day, I am thankful for their somehow funny, incredibly hilarious but entirely meaningful arrival in my life. Moreover, I’m glad you stayed.

Thank you X

rainbow, a precious moment.

This morning, I got to witness my daughter’s first ever sight of a rainbow in real life.

The fact that it was a double rainbow made it even more special.

We danced around excitedly, and followed it all the way to school.

She said “oh mama, it’s so beautiful, the sky is smiling”.

This goes down as one of my alltime favourite moments as a parent. Every moment is, but this one, this one made me even more thankful.

in which i remember gratitude…

1. I am thankful that I am able to see something that irks me, shake my head at it, and move on.

2. I am thankful that I wake up every day, to little kisses and cuddles.

3. I am thankful that, some days, I get them from two people.

4. I am thankful that those two people, are where my heart reside.

5. I am thankful that my heart is safe there.

6. I am thankful that our life is created by us and for us.

7. I am thankful that I have enough work to keep my mind busy.

8. I am thankful that I have the ability to use words to express myself.

9. I am thankful that I have great capacity for forgiveness.

10. I am thankful that, this morning, I was given a flower for being a “wonderful mama.

Lucky, thankful me.

thank you.

I realise I write, think, speak alot about gratitude. I’m not religious, not in any conventional sense, nor am I the most gracious of people. I am, to the strongest point possible, as honest as I can be at any time. I have my faults, I have my own judgements that I cast upon myself and I totally believe that I can be a better person, every day. I’m a big believer that life is  a work in progress, and that it’s all about the journey. I know that I’m trying to be that better person.

Sometimes, though, because I am human and therefore given to self-absorbed behaviour, I start to lose sight of that. I sometimes battle to overcome what appears to be the simplest misgiving, or the tiniest event.

But, on the roundabout of life, you do gain one thing. Perspective.

It’s been a Monday. Busy and, overall, a bit of a hard day to keep perspective. I am determined though. I’ve had a lot to think about. So, here is my perspective today:

I am thankful for:

1. Family. In whatever way they appear around you, and whatever your relationship with them, family are the people who knew you when you peed your pants, and still love you, even when you can be hard to love. The only biological family I have left are my siblings and Cam. And I treasure them, more than I can tell them.

2. Family. Yeah, I said that twice. I meant it. The people who become like your family, and your heart and mind consider them so. They win their way into your life, and your heart. They’re the people you call when you have news, whether it’s good or bad. They’re the ones who you can speak your soul to, and not have to worry that you sound stupid. For me, they’re the people I trust my heart with, that I trust Cameron’s heart with, and with whom I am at home. It’s a very strange sensation, because with not having my parents anymore, somehow, the Universe has still given back…and now I have a bigger family than I ever thought I did. Cam and I are so blessed by the family love we have been surrounded with. The family that makes up my family. The family that makes up the army of people who love us, just as we are.

3. Friends. The people who take the time to remind you that you’re not insane, just silly. And they love you for that silliness. True friends don’t need to speak all the time, but you know they are there. Sometimes you don’t need someone to talk to, you just need someone to sit with you. Cam and I are very rich in friends.

4. Love. Enduring love. Love that sees straight past my own sometimes idiotic tendencies, and is infinite without condition. Something I never really knew of before and do now. My heart rests here.

5. Home. The roof over our head, filled with love and cosiness. Our television with its sixty-seventh re-run of Strawberry Shortcake on, and crayons all over the floor. Dishes in the sink from dinner, and a bathroom with bottles of bubbles.

6. Work. Even though everybody (don’t lie now, dudes, don’t lie) lives for the weekend, holiday, pay-day…I have work. It keeps me busy and keeps us afloat. It lets me give Cameron the necessities for living. It enables me to live the life we create.

7. Food. Damn, that dinner was good. Sometimes I’m still amazed I can make it. This coming from the girl who didn’t know how to boil an egg when she first moved out of home. True story. Ask anyone who I had over for dinner, circa 2001, and they’ll tell you about the half-frozen dinners and dodgy meals. Heh.

8. My daughter. You see, Cam was not expected. Like all the wonderful and great things in my life, it is always the unexpected that truly makes my life worth it. And there she was. And there she is, sleeping now. Probably dreaming of princesses, mermaids and cake. Her simple perspective on life at every turn keeps me grounded. She is the biggest blessing I have ever received. Every day, when we get home and recount our best and worst parts of the day, I am awed by her little stories of life. They say that when you become a parent, your heart begins to beat outside of your body. It’s entirely true.

9. Hope. Even when life gets hard, there’s always hope.

10. Learning. The opportunity of learning lurks around the corner in every day. Within the ability to learn and gain new knowledge, in whatever form, lies an immense joy.

11. Attitude. Being able to choose your approach to whatever situation. It’s you that determines your attitude, every day.

Excuse the rhyme but…

Today my attitude is gratitude.


if there is only one thing you ever say.

if there is only one thing you ever cast your eyes up to the sky and think.

if there is only one thing you ever feel within you.

if there is only one thing you ever let overwhelm you.

let it be the words thank you.


honesty…it’s not just a policy.

I’m reminded today of why honesty is the way forward. Fact is, I got lied to…Now, anyone who knows me, knows what a stickler I am for the truth. Even if you think the truth is going to hurt, tell it anyway. It’s better to live with the actual consequences of truth, than let a lie fester. The truth always outs, anyway.

Moving beyond a lie? It’s not so easy. But, thing is, back in 2008, I resolved to try and be more forgiving. More understanding. Mostly of myself. That’s the hardest. I’m going to forgive myself for taking something that I thought was the truth and running with it. Defending it. It was all I had to work on. I forgive the untruth too. I seperate the behaviour from the person, and forgive. Let’s move on.



So, my Monday gratitude?

My Monday gratitude is simple.

My Monday gratitude is my ultimate thanks for Shmooshy. Always honest, to the intricate point. He gives me no reason to ever doubt him, and he trusts me. Moreover, he lets me trust him.

Note: I have gigantic trust issues. These are because I’ve been lied to alot in my life. This wonderful man accepted them, understood them, and won straight past them.

I trust him with my heart, I trust him with my daughter’s love.

I was watching them last night. Their little club of two, to which I am only sometimes invited. Sometimes, I am spurned and sent to the kitchen to do something other than ‘disturbing’ their inner circle.

They talk, they laugh, he lets Cam love him. The exact way she wants to love people – without boundary. He loves her straight back. In that way, that way where she gets to trust him. Lean on him.

A conversation he doesn’t know about happened yesterday. Someone very close to Cam and I remarked on their mutual open love for each other and smiled. How she ran off into the garden with Shmooshy when she got home from her dad. The person who remarked on their little inner circle of Cam-Shmoo-ness? Twas the one person on the planet who loves his daughter the most. Yep, her very own dad.

That was possibly one of the most powerful things he has ever done or said. Considering that I’ve known him since I was a foetus (yes, really), for him to turn around and tell me that…that it makes him smile to know that our daughter has another safe soul to come home to…

Not even if he had handed me a winning lottery ticket, could my heart have sung any higher.

My soul at rest watching the Cam-Shmoo duo playing Angry Birds together. And in my heart, I feel full circle. 360 kick-flipped, full circle.

In a world beleaguered by lies, deception and backstabbing, I have a circle of love that is founded on trust and littered with glitter.

All I am is gratitude.  Thank you my love. Big big up to the sky.

two exhalations in gratitude

in the midst of life’s current unfairness, i am still thankful. i have a lot to be thankful for. more than i could ever imagine.


boots that could kick ass, and which mean i escape a funcrazy night without bruises. friends. smiles. watching you in your brilliance, that you do with such ease. laughing. sleeping in. you holding my hand in the middle of the scary things. dinner. grinning. random adventures where we get lost and it’s okay. silly shopping and level four hunger. playtime. bathtime. sleeptime. sunshine. cars that sound scarily like South Park motorcycles. “keep your socks on”, Cam says, from the backseat. you understand what i mean when i say gehpess. cows on the side of the road. heh. friends. warm. when you’re asleep, you fling your arm over me. whenever you say something, whatever it is, you mean it. a little smile from a little face you love so much becomes a grin wider than the sky. in talking with a friend, i am reminded, again, of how lucky i am. i tell you, and i’m reminded again because you don’t shy away from me telling you the way i feel. you reciprocate and i am awed. every day, an adventure and every night, the peace.


open-eyed and smiling. talking and telling of a weekend where you were happy. your katy perry and big bang theory impersonations. the aplomb with which you tackle each new thing. in putting together this puzzle of life, you confidently know where the pieces should go. but, you decide, in your own way, how to arrange them. you open up to the world and love every second. i’ve seen you give love, receive love, jump for joy for love. i watched you today, drawing on a chalkboard, and negotiating your way towards the pink chalk, through other children. i was awed by your politeness and charm. my child. that little baby girl, playing with other kids and smiling over a milkshake with sprinkles. i am, every time i see you smile, simply blown away that you chose me to be your mama.

oh and ps…

now that i have that rant out of the way (it’s below this post. if you want the password, please feel free to ask for it. i’m more than willing to share it with a selection of you).

i have a pretty busy week ahead of me so i may be a little scarce round these parts.

i wanted to just take a moment, post-rant-after-something-made-me-so-angry-i-could-not-sleep…to say one thing.

i woke up this morning, ridiculously early, and was determined to have a thankful day.

that rant below, swayed me from it a bit.

tonight, at this insane hour, i am determined and i am ending this day thankful.

i count my blessings and i run out of fingers and toes.


Thank you.

Thank you to you for making me laugh so hard with a single arm movement that i am still busting a proverbial gut right now.

Thank you for listening and not trying to fix everything, just because i told you about it.

Thank you for creating our own codespeak.

Thank you for being my toemate. 🙂

Thank you for laughing at my lame jokes and stories from friends that i am probably going to tell for at least the next ten years so i really hope you don’t get bored of it.

Megan and Larcy and Sheena…

Thank you for “don’t tell ****” dinners and messaging me at midnight because you’re worried about me and sharing the minutiae of life that we hold so secretly important and don’t tell anyone about because it means we would like a little uncool. Thank you for always being there, beyond your own lives, even when yours has been in disarray.

For some of you reading this who I will not name but you know very well who you are…

For letting me bounce my ideas off you. For letting me in and reassuring me in a life-space where I sometimes still feel foreign. For your little secret messages to me that remind me that I am doing okay. That, in fact, sometimes, I can be brilliant.

Your love. Your love keeps me going. Your love keeps me doing this. Your love is what makes all of it feel okay.

Your courage. Your brave sharing of you. Is what keeps me sharing this little me too.